Calling All Warped Weirdos, Help Needed

Well kids, here it is. The answer we were waiting for from Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church (Or as I like to call them, The Westboro Brainless Cult). Unfortunately, this one also, for some unknown reason, completely side stepped my question. Again, I have added my personal commentary in blue text.




Freddy,

God hates Cincinnati because it is full of fags and sinners calling themselves Christians but don’t preach against those who have soiled this city with the semen of fags. [Yuck, remind me not to touch anything next time I am downtown.] If you were a faithful follower of God’s word you would already be in the streets in front of city hall preaching against the abominations and lewd behavior of the fags that you instead tolerate. [How do you know I am not doing that? I didn’t mention that in my e-mail.] Because from Falwell to Robertson, the Episcopalians to the Lutherans, you're all preaching the same thing, [What do you mean “I am preaching”? You just said I wasn’t preaching.] that grand message delivered by the Serpent in the Garden of Eden -- "ye shall not surely die". [Are you retarded or something? Jerry Falwell talked down gays as much as you. He was your kind of people.] You don't hear hell preached from America's pulpits anymore! [What pulpits besides your own have you heard sermons from?] There is no accountability for sin in this place, [except maybe a $10.9 million dollar lawsuit for picketing a soldiers funeral.] and therefore, there is no abstinence from sin, which wars against your soul (1 Peter 2:11). [What’s funny is; the very next verse refers to living peacefully with the pagans as an example as opposed to slandering them outright.]

Rev. Fred Phelps




Well alright then. I guess I am going to have to start thinking like a crazy person. I am going to write my next e-mail in a manner that will be as close to an impression of him as I can possibly get. DUDE! I know what to do! I should invite him to come to Cincinnati to picket a City Council meeting! But then what would I do if they did come to town? Why don’t I just leave this open for suggestions? I will take any and all ideas regarding what to with these nut jobs if they actually came to Cincinnati.