The Tear Jerk Journal - Gettin' Jiggy Wit' It

Well, jig-saw-y with it anyways. I am pleased to announce that after getting the right scrolling blade and taking it one sheet at a time, that the sides turned out rather nice. Apparently Iron Chef's experience with sewing machines made her better than me at working the jig saw.

We just couldn't resist putting a fully cut side up on the trailer to see what it looked like.

The Tear Jerk Journal - The Bad Side Of Teardrop Campers

My wife has all these plans for the teardrop. Plans like what colors it will be, what cabinets will be in the galley hatch, what spaces will be available for everything to have it's own place, and what kind of bed will be in the sleeping compartment. Where as I just have one goal in mind; keep the thing from looking like a turd on wheels. Lately, it seems as if everything is completely working against me.

Bad Side #1

Lumber (good lumber I mean) is clearly a rarity in the Cincinnati area. There is of course the low quality stuff at the big box stores, but after minimal thought I decided I should go with a higher grade (or at least stain grade) of material that won't look like crap when it's done. So I stepped up to what used to be a good lumber yard, 84 Lumber, because I can actually get there before they close without leaving work early. Everything else closes at like 4pm and is only open week days which is retarded because that cuts out all the home builders with serious projects. After 2 visits to 84 Lumber, I discovered why they have been on the verge of bankruptcy; off an on for the last 20 years. They try (and succeeded the 2nd time) to slip inferior grade plywood past you. So anyways, it looks like will have to take a half day from work after all just to go to another lumber yard. I think I will check out Paxton this time.

Bad Side #2

I started cutting out the door opening in 2 sheets of good plywood when I discovered that the jigsaw, despite being a bad-a** Dewalt jigsaw, can't hack cutting through 2 sheets of 3/4 inch birch plywood. The blade uncontrollable skips out of the guide wheel and flex's to the side of the saw.

Thereby causing it to veer off course and then refuse to go in any other direction except that one.

If that was the outer edge instead of the door opening, I could have just left it and sanded to the line, but because the there was more than what's acceptable for the door gap between front and back side of each sheet, I gotta start all over again. So let that be a lesson to you kids. Don't attempt to cut 2 sheets of plywood at once or you'll end ruining 2 sheets of plywood at once. Now you know. And remember, "knowing is half battle".

The Tear Jerk Journal - Totally Floored

Hey kids! I just thought I would update you on the building of the teardrop. We finally got some more money scraped together in order to resume construction. We spent a few of the nicer days last week getting a finished floor assembled to the tar baby subfloor, which by the, is still mildly tacky.

Here is the floor that we got cut to the right width with the help of our friend America. For some reason, I didn't realize how difficult it would be to cut a full size sheet of 3/4 inch thick hardwood plywood on a little portable table saw. The stain turned out better than I thought. I am glad I went with the expensive stuff.

It will be good to have this foam insulation between me and the cold ground next time we go camping. You wouldn't believe how much a cold ground can ruin a good nights sleep. You also wouldn't believe what a pain in the butt those Styrofoam "crumbs" were after we cut the strips.

I gotta say I am totally floored at how well the floor came together.

No Comment Please

Have you ever read the comments after news stories on the internet? I am always dumbfounded by how stupid some of these comments can be. You would think these people would have friends who would tell them how stupid they appear by the comments they leave.

I am going to write this post at a risk. I say that because I don’t get many comments at my blog despite the fact that there are still readers here every day. So it probably won’t help any if I write this post that makes fun of the bad comments left at other sites. Even though it might deter people from commenting, I can’t let this comedic opportunity pass.

Let’s start with a story from one of my local news outlets. To paraphrase, the police caught a sex offender who had been throwing cinder blocks at the cars of women. To which this reader had the following opinion.



They then decided to follow it up with this comment.


Is that one typographical correction the only problem they found?

And then if that weren’t enough, the same person felt it necessary to display their clear writing style in the comment for another story about 12 year old thieves.



But you have to give mantan a little credit because they just have trouble writing clearly. This next person can’t even comprehend the story they just read which is about a girl’s soccer coach that raped some of the players because this is their comment.



This next person may have comprehended the story about the soccer coach, but who the heck is gonna know since nobody is going to read a comment this extensive.



I mean seriously, if you were supposed to write that much then the news website would put at the end of the story “leave dissertation” instead of “leave comment”.

I think this next commenter makes a great point about the posting of a DUI checkpoint location.



I think this second person was just as drunk as the first when they wrote this comment.



And lastly there is this comment which sparked the idea for this post. I could tell you what story they are commenting on, but it wouldn’t even matter.


maybe it's a secret code. Is there anyone out there that can decode this for me?

Well anyways. At least there aren't any people this stupid commenting on my blog.

The Tear Jerk Journal - The Little Guy and the Tar Baby

A couple of posts back I mentioned that we got a kit off the internet which contained a lot of the necessary parts like windows and door handles. Well, one of the things that also came with this kit was a template for cutting the side walls of your teardrop. Since I will be using a jig attached to my saber saw for cutting the radii of the sidewalls, this thing is essentially useless to me as template. So, I get the idea to tape it up on a wall in the garage next to the trailer and make it useful as a way to get a better idea of the size and shape of what we are going to build. As the wife and I stood back and looked at things, there was a feeling of shock, then horror as we suddenly realized exactly how small a teardrop camper really is.

We immediately changed our plans for that Saturday as it was now necessary for us to track down an actual teardrop and see a finished one in person. (Yes, I know it was mildly stupid to start building one without ever seeing one in person) Thus we made the last second decision to drive an hour and a half to Indianapolis.

Good Timin’ Hot Rods was relatively easy to find. We could see the last two teardrops they had for sale as we turned into the parking lot.





They are called Little Guy’s and they looked freakishly small from a distance. We climbed into one of these Little Guy campers, and were relieved to find that they are not as claustrophobic inside as one might think. In probably the same way that the Keebler Elves can fit a whole cookie factory inside the knot of a tree, the makers of the Little Guy Camper were able to use that elfin magic to fit an amazing amount of room inside this little dinky camper. It is unbelievable.

By the way kids, if you are ever in Indianapolis, you should check out Good Timin’ Hot Rods. And then go around the corner to Edwards Drive-in for the absolute best hand battered onion rings and homemade root beer.

So anyways, we got back and were so confident that a teardrop camper is the right camper for us that we finished building the undercarriage.




And then we went as far as to coat the whole thing with roofing tar to protect it from water and salt on the roads.




I was hoping to bolt the undercarriage to the trailer frame this week, but so far, the tar baby is still tacky and will have to remain hovering over the trailer atop the saw horses for another week while I am away on vacation.



Well kids, till next time. See Ya!

The Tear Jerk Journal - Conversations

So I walked into Lowe’s to see what kind of lumber would be available for when we finally do have the money to buy the lumber. And here is the conversation we had.

Lowe’s Employee: “Can I help you find something?”

Me: “Yes, I need to find some hardwood plywood.”

LE: “We have this wood here in stock.”

Me: “Hmm, these aren’t the thickness I need.”

LE: “Really, why not? These sizes are the generally accepted sizes. What exactly are you building? I can tell you if these will work for your project.”

Me: “I’m building a teardrop camper.”

LE: “You’re building a what?”

Me: “A teardrop camper. You know, those little campers from the 1940’s that have like that teardrop shape to them.”

LE: (With an un-sure look on his face) “Oh…OK.”

Me: …

LE: (Looking very skeptical) “So you’re building a camper…like what people take to a campground?”

Me: “Yea...a camper.”

LE: (looking at me like I am a total dumb ass) “I’ve never heard of anyone building their own camper before. Is that even possible?”

Me: “Well actually, lots of people build them.”

LE: “Is it like that e-mail picture of The Redneck Camper where it’s just an outhouse on a flat trailer.”

Me: (Not amused) “No you R-tard! It’s not an outhouse on a flat trailer.”

LE: (slightly offended, very confused) “You’re gonna build a camper?”

Me: (Embarrassed because it does sound silly the way he said it) “Why don’t I try Home Depot for what I need?”

So then I go down the street to Home Depot where I find an employee to ask about lumber.

Me: “Hello, I need to get some hardwood plywood for a project.”

Home Depot Employee: “Sure, what are you building?”

Me: (Calmly) “A large cabinet.”

The Tear Jerk Journal

This week we got the windows, door handles, hinges and trim molding from a supplier off the internet. The reality of this situation is now starting to set in. What have I gotten myself into?




And by the way. The mounting bolt problem will be sufficiently solved with this bronze bushing.



Well that's all I got for now. Since we are about $900 in the hole for all the parts we bought, we won't be able to by the lumber for at least another month. Which of course means I won't be able to start working on it till then-DOH! Oh well, I can resume this journal then.

The Tear Jerk Journal - Bolting Down The Floor

Well kids, it looks like The Tear Jerk Journal was somewhat of a fitting name because this project is already jerking some tears of frustration out of me. I am only on the first part of the build and I am already stuck. I guess that's what I get for buying a 4x8 trailer from Cletus down at Tractor Supply. To explain the problem simply, those hillbilly's expect you to put a round "peg" into a triangular "hole" as seen in the following picture.

The Tear Jerk Journal

Well kids, unfortunately Team Iron Chef is slacking in there training regimen. So, it looks like I will have to start a new blog series since that last one went belly up.

For the last few months, the wife and I had been kicking around the idea of building our own teardrop camper. So, last weekend, we just decided to jump in with both feet and buy a trailer to use as the base for it.



So stick with me for the next few months and you should see our little teardrop camper slowly come to life before your blog reading eyes. Well kids, that's all I got for you now.

The Super Bowl of Corn Hole

(I should probably preface this by informing those who live outside the Southwest Ohio/Southeast Indiana area that corn hole is a game where bags filled with corn are thrown at rectangular shaped boards with a hole in each one. And it is definitely not what many first think of when first hearing the term.)

Every year, at a place called Stricker's Grove, the world’s best corn hole players meet for the chance to play in a contest of strength, endurance, skill and even luck. At the end of the fierce competition, victory is declared for a team that walks away with the coveted title of Corn Hole Champions.

Seeing as they were the best corn hole players that they knew, Iron Chef and the man we call America, decided to pit their corn hole skills against all others. And in the end, they pretty much had their butts handed to them. In the shadow of that painful defeat, the two decided to begin the most intensive training regimen ever adopted by any corn hole team. They will eat, drink, sleep, and breath nothing but corn hole for an entire year. This blog series will be a testament to the perseverance and will of this corn hole team as we follow their progress over the coming months. Let's bid good luck to the team I will christen "American Iron".

Speaking of Text Messages

Last month the wife and I had to switch to a new cell phone provider and in the process we ended up getting these new matching phones. So the other day the wife opens a text message and accidentally hits the space button at the same time; to which she discovers that the phone has a feature where this automated voice will read your text messages to you. So of course, I have had to play with this feature to see what kind of silly things I can do with it.

First I wondered if it would actual say L-O-L, or if it would pronounce lol as “lull”.


This lol knowledge made me wonder exactly how far it would go in reading text acronyms so I tried out lmao.


I was a little confused that it pronounced l-m-a-o like a word instead of “laughing my ass off”. Seriously, I really wanted to hear it say “ass”. So of course the only thing I could do next is to see if it will read the typed out words “laughing my ass off”.


I’d be lying if I said I didn’t giggle a little after that last one. I think I need to hear that a few more times.


Then I started wondering if like the lmao, if it had a limit to the bad words it would say as I recalled a line from one of my favorite movies.


Wow, this thing has quite the potty mouth.

Then I wondered about some other movie quotes.







I’m sure there are many more funny things I could make my phone say, but I seem to have lost interest in this.

Hellooooooo, You've Got Mail

Hey Kids! Guess what? I decided against starting a new blog and to just keep this one. Let's get things started here again with a nice little story from where I work.



I was a little late getting out of work yesterday, and as I was leaving I noticed that my coworker who sits next to me had inadvertently left his computer logged in when he rushed out at the end of the day. So I sat down at his terminal and reached for the mouse that was placed on a charger at the back of his desk and then thought to myself, “You know, I could virtually be him in e-mail form.” So I decided to play a little prank and write an embarrassing e-mail about this guy, BY this guy. I started by sending an e-mail to a buddy of his in sales that he hangs out with a lot. In the e-mail, [he] expressed a secret homosexual love for the buddy in sales. It wasn’t a lengthy or graphic e-mail, but it said enough to be a good prank. I then finished it by saying, “[The guy] wants to send this e-mail to coworker friends because [the guy] no longer wants his love for his buddy to be secret.” I then decided against copying others and just logged him out and anticipated what might happen in the morning.

Not much was said today between the guy and his buddy, but the buddy did eventually bring it to the guy’s attention later in the morning. The guy later asked our IT manager if we were having hacker problems with the e-mail server. Some other people seem to know about “The E-mail”, but I am not sure if the guy told them or if the IT manager secretly passed it on to others. I guess this prank didn’t hurt anyone because it was pretty much forgotten about by the end of the day. Somehow, I imagined this being funnier than it actually was.

Thanks for the Memories

Hey Kids! Sorry I haven't been around lately. I've had so much going on that I can't find the time to blog. And even if I did find the time, I can't seem to think of anything blog worthy to write about. That's right! I got a real bad case of writer's block. All I can do these days is sit around and remember the things I used to write about.

Like remember that time I wrote about needing help with disciplining a 2 pound puppy, so I asked the people at Yahoo! Answers? Those people were so helpful...

Or that one time when I found that picture from some photo journalist and pointed out the 5 things I found funny about it. I can just see that picture now...

Well, do you remember that time I told you all about the business meeting at work that I had to walk out of? I just couldn't contain myself...

And I know you gotta remember that time I wrote about trying to remove a "pest" problem from my back deck. I still can't believe that trap worked the first time...

Here's one I bet you forgot. That time I put my own spin on Fracas' weekly feature about food that looks pornographic. Yep, I almost forgot that one myself...

And of course who could forget that time I got dancing fever and danced all the way across Cincinnati. I can still hear the music playing...

Yep, those are some good memories. There is a large possibility I won't be writing anymore blog posts. It's kind-of this thing that all bloggers go through. They stop blogging when they run out of words. If find more words I may end up starting a new blog all together. If that's the case, then I will definitely link to it from here.

The Justice League

Jury Duty - Day 2

Unfortunately day 2 was less eventful than day one. All I did today was read about half of Catcher In The Rye. I would like to tell you how day 3 and 4 would go, but they have asked me not to return for the rest of the week. Apparently I didn't make the cut to be on a jury. The wosrt part is they didn't even give that Voir Dire interview thing. I guess they could just tell by looking at me that I wasn't jury material. I feel so rejected.

Hopefully week 2 will be better. I'll keep all of you posted.

The Justice League (That's How I Now Like To Refer To The Jury Pool)

Jury Duty Day 1

There was a woman who almost lost her child, a guy who had something really personal to keep from public records and many other Jury-fied things that I didn't have the privilege to weigh in on. That's right kids, the first day of jury duty was a bust. All I got to do was listen to 3 hours worth of B.S. that just happened to contain 10 minutes worth of useful information that I already knew because I had read the stuff on the Jury Commission website, and again in the literature that was sent with the summons, and then again with the brochure they gave me at check-in. Needless to say it was a long and boring day. Hopefully day 2 will have some great stuff worth writing about.

I guess there was a little more to it. I also got to sit for 3 more hours surrounded by strange people with nothing worthwile to do. I guess the only thing noteable was this one young woman who just wasn't getting the concept of "required 2 weeks" and had to ask twice if a specific day, that is only 7 days away, was still technically "required". And then worse made a face like the Judge telling her was the stupid one. I hope this dumb ass isn't on the same Jury I am.

Well, that's all I got for you today.

"Doody" is a funny word

A few weeks back I got the notice to report for Jury Duty. I don’t fit any of the criteria necessary for the legitimate excuses acceptable for getting out of it. For instance, I don’t think I can make myself look like I’m 70 years old. I also can’t adopt a kid to be the guardian of on such short notice. I can’t become a volunteer fire fighter in that time either. I missed sign up for classes at the local community college, so I can’t claim that I’m a student. I have considered breaking my own legs though so I can be exempt for the disability. So if it turns out that I am unable to drive a car over my own legs, I will have no other choice but to show up at the court house this Tuesday.

Now some people tell me that I probably have nothing to worry about because most people selected for this never actually have to serve on a jury, all they have to do is call in and see if their group has to report. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me. My physical presence is specifically requested at the court house at a time later than when the court house websites says that call-ins should happen. I also wasn’t given a number, so this leads me to believe that this is different and may possibly be for a special jury needed for a specific, and possibly high profile court case.

I figure since I got nothing else better to write about these days, that I will present the highlights of each day on this blog.

As many of you may know, I have my vices. Beer, Vodka, Fried Food. And none of those has been a problem for me to give up. Heck, I once used to be a pack a day smoker, but one day I just up and stopped, and haven’t smoked since. I like to have fun, but I am no prisoner to anything.

Recently, I have discovered that there is something even tougher to give up than smoking. I am clearly addicted to it, and the path to kicking it will be an extensive one. I gotta be honest with you; I am kind of getting ‘the shakes’ just thinking about the prospect of giving it up. But, I’m OK. I can give it up any time I want. I think…maybe. Alright. I think I can. I just gotta hang in there. I can give up my DVR if I really have to.

Not A Laughing Matter

Well kids, I am sort of back from a long break from blogging. It looks like things have slowed back down to the normal pace here at work, and the big kitchen remodel is finally finished. So, now I have enough time to get back on my very neglected blog. The only problem is now I don't seem to be able to think of anything to write. Apparently, I have forgotten how to blog. I think I might make some changes to the blog in order to make it more inspiring. I think I might just need some new scenery and a change of pace.

The Dust Chronicles: Part 2 - This and That

As we were excavating through the last of the walls.

And the last of the floor tile.

It became an archaelogical excavation as we happened upon this little artifact. My earliest guess would date this specimen circa 1967. Mainly because that's the year that the house built.

While taking pictures of the remodeling project, we have noticed some strange things in the images. After watching the show Ghost Hunters, we have learned that the things in theses pictures are the visual manisfestation of ghosts as things they call "Orbs".

As the Demolition went on the ghosts became more active and more abundant until the entire house became a torrent of Orb activity.

Well, either that or there is still way too much dust in here. I will have to get one of those special devices that records ghost voices to be absolutely sure.

The Dust Chronicles: Part 1

The wife and I were stricken with what I suspect was a bout of temporary insanity. While most people are dealing with the current financial crisis by stashing money in mattresses and hoarding food; we decided to take this perfectly good kitchen,

Move the appliances to another room as well as pack up all the dishes and cookware, then brutally mutilate it by tearing out the wall it shares with the dining room.

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So, it ended up being a dusty, gutted out skeleton of our former kitchen after the first weekend. I couldn't find a picture of the actual carnage, but this picture shows a close approximation. It was taken after we rebuilt the wall to accommodate a bar top when it's all finished.

Notice the dangling wires and electrical work. Therein lies the cause of frustration for the rest of the week. That means we can only have one working electrical outlet during the entire project. Since the refrigerator requires one of the plugs, we are left with just one single plug for all our kitchen electrical needs. You would think one would be plenty, but it really isn't. It seems like every time I go to plug in something, it's already in use.

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We kept ourselves optimistic that first week by telling each that it's just like camping...just in a really dusty house. Which I probably should have mentioned in order to explain the title. There seems to be no escape from the drywall dust. We sweep and vacuum, but there is still drywall dust everywhere. We have developed a perpetual hack as result of the drywall dust. And not some little dry cough either. It's that really heavy kind of cough that hooks up with a loogy at the end of it. We sound like life long smokers.

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Well kids! I gotta go for now. See ya next time.

Time of the Signs

Has anyone else been keeping up with the string of stories about the pranksters who keep hacking into electronic highway signs? I enjoy these stories because they are clearly about people who are kindred to my own soul. They are these guys who like to change the messages on highway signs to read funny things like "CAUTION! ZOMBIES AHEAD!" Or "RUN FOR COLD CLIMATES!" I think it’s pretty amusing to read these in the midst of all of the other news stories with such bad news like the continuing financial collapse of the world, or the clusterf**k wars we are trapped in over seas. So I’ve waited for an update every week to see what new message these pranksters have come up with. Since these electronic highway signs are pretty useful for displaying highway cautions, I started thinking about what other types of warnings they could be used for.

For example, the American people could really have used one of these concerning the bank bailout that turned out to be more money for government leaders to piss away.

And our last president apparently needed this one:

As well as this one:

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.

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These signs could also help people in their daily life, like this one:

And even closer to home like this one I might like to see while driving home if the situation were to ever happen:

Which if ignored, would of course lead to this one on the day after:

But, I suppose the only one most people really need is this friendly suggestion:

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How to lose readers and alienate your blog

Hey Kids! Sorry I haven’t been around much. I have been totally slammed at work these days, and if that wasn’t enough, the wife and I decided to remodel our kitchen. But I’ll have more about that later. I decided to check good ‘ol Google Analytics to see how many of my readers have gotten tired of checking back for updates and have left for good. I gotta say I was pleasantly surprised to find that I still have a total of eight faithful readers. However, Google states it in a much more depressing “99.06% loss of readership” way. So anyways, while I was there I decided to check out the latest searches that have brought strangers to this blog. Again, I have some entertaining ones to share.

Palestine Retards – I don’t specifically remember referring to any Middle Eastern school of MR/DD, but apparently I must have.

Squeak Makeup – I don’t know what to say about this. Those two words don’t belong in the same term together.

Black Pusses – The sad thing is, this person was probably looking for a particular type of porn, and accidentally misspelled that second word. This of course has me wondering what it is about the name “Andy’s Weird Warped World” that can be mistaken for a black pornographic site.

Chuck Norris College – If I had the chance to go back to school. I would go here. And I don’t even care if I would fail Roundhouse Kicking 101.

Mystique Wheel Squeak – Doesn’t this person know that there’s nothing mysterious about squeaky wheels. They just need oil.

Squeal on Your Employer – Unless they are wasting company time reading my blog, then you should keep their secret.

Well, that's all I got for you now. See you around.

Upon Reaching the Light at the End of the Tunnel

Ladies and gentlemen, the glorious day has arrived when I can start referring to him as "The retard that FORMERLY lived in the White House." Finally, George W. Bush; domestically, financially, and diplomatically the worst president in U.S. history will no longer the leader of the free world.



Now that we are passed that, I can focus on the future.

I can't wait to see the inauguration today. I won't be able to watch it in person, but I got my DVR set up and ready to go. I gotta be honest with you though, I don't give a rats butt about presidential ceremony. I just want to have an unedited account of the ceremony in the likely event that some White Supremacist tries/succeeds at assassinating him before he takes oath.

Do you know what the problem is with President Obama? There is no way anyone can live up to all the hype that's been made about him. People haven't made this big a deal about a leader for over 2000 years. I mean seriously, I actually heard the name Obama more last December than I heard the name Jesus. So basically, no matter what happens over the next four years, people are going to be let down. Then when people find out that he can't turn water into wine or rise from the dead, there will likely be some backlash. But hey, at least he ain't the retard that formerly lived in the White House.

The Weird Warped Diet Plan

Well kids, it’s that time of year again, the time of year when people go on diets. And I unfortunately am pulled into this trend every winter by the wife. Every year I start off by looking around the internet for dieting information and usually find myself overwhelmed by the dizzying array of diets that are out there.

For example, there is this one diet that requires you to consume only juice, or things liquefied in a juicer. I think I would much rather have a diet consisting of another type of liquid, but unfortunately the 100 beers in 100 days adventure has long passed.

Then there is the Atkins diet, where you cut out all carbohydrates. So basically, you can only eat meat and green vegetables which is pretty stupid because you end up being a meat eating vegetarian.

There is also this little known diet that requires you to eat nothing but apples for three days straight. Supposedly, you want to do this because it cleans out your colon. Because everyone knows that the ladies all want a man with a good colon. Frankly, I would rather save a couple of days and just eat nothing but bran one day.

Of course, the big thing in Weight Watcher’s now is this diet plan that prevents you from going through the tedious effort of counting calories, and they accomplish by having you go through the even more tedious effort of counting points. This sounds like a good idea until you find out that a “point” is determined by some bootleg calculation that says fat and calories are proportional to fiber, well at least until you reach 4 grams that is, then fiber no longer matters. So basically, it looks like they got tired of factoring it in and then said “screw the fiber” after 4 grams.

So, the wife and I decided to go with the Weight Watcher’s diet plan called Core. This sounded good to us because it advertises that you can eat as much as you want and still lose weight provided that you only eat certain foods, that you pair certain foods together, and only eat certain foods for certain meals of the day. And then if the planets align just right, some mysterious voodoo magic will make you lose weight.

Clearly, these diets are made up by people who really aren't qualified to make up diets. So, I got to thinking, "I'm not qualified, so why don't I make my own diet?" So that's just what I did. Here's how it works. All you gotta do is eat bacon, sausage, spam, country fried steak and eggs for breakfast. Then eat pizza, chicken wings, chili dogs, tacos, and hamburgers for lunch. And then a sensible dinner.

Well kids, I better get going, I gotta get started on the Weird Warped Diet Plan if I am going to fit into those Speedos this summer.

What are you looking at?

I just gotta ask the question. When did my cojones grow eyes? Was it at the same time that the Geico money grew eyeballs? I’m asking because I just heard a new radio commercial for Diet Pepsi Max where, as the tag line says, “Drink a diet cola that’s so manly you’ll still be able to look your cojones in the eyes.” More importantly, do I want to look my cojones in the eyes? And besides, I don’t think I actually could look my cojones in the eyes without having some ribs removed.