Thursday, November 29, 2007

Tales Of The Possum Hunter

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How I Discovered That Dry Possum Poop Is the Stickiest Substance on Earth

OK, so it’s like this. About a month ago I woke up in the middle of the night with some heart burn and really needed a glass of milk from the kitchen. As I was walking by the sliding doors to the back deck I noticed a silhouette of the wife's retarded cat standing up tall with his back arched. I looked out the door to see what that stupid cat was doing and there was a possum poking his head inside the cats’ house. Now since I built this heated cat house with my own two hands to keep my smart cat from freezing his butt off when the temperature drops, I can’t have some grubby little possum enacting squatter’s rights in it over the winter.

After several attempts at remembering to ask about borrowing an animal trap from my grandpa, I was finally able to get one at the house all ready for me to trap me a possum.

I have to admit, I didn’t think I would catch anything on the first night let alone the first three nights of setting the trap. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t that dang possum that I was trapping. I trapped the same stray cat twice and realized that I couldn’t just let it go or it would keep coming back. So the wife and I “evacuated” it to a much safer place. By the way, if you’re from PETA, the word “evacuated” means we tortured it and then killed it and then hung its dead body on a stick in the ground to act as a warning to any other cats that might come to that deck. If you’re not from PETA, the word “evacuated” just means we relocated it to a secret undisclosed location. The very next night a second stray got in the way of my quest to trap that possum. It didn’t look good for this weary possum hunter.
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Then finally on one glorious night early this week, I actually caught that evil possum! In that triumphant moment I found myself completely enveloped with the smell of victory which in this circumstance means the smell of possum poop. Apparently possums are timid and if you spook one by trapping it in a cage, it totally looses all bowel function.
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What Not To Do With a Possum in a Cage

As it turns out, if you catch a possum in a cage, you have to kill it because of the risk that it might have rabies and will bite you when it’s released. There is only one problem with this requirement. I don’t own a gun or a knife that I can safely kill an animal with. So the wife and I get the idea that we can gas it to death via the exhaust pipe of the car. No big deal, right? So we figure we need to enclose the cage somehow in order to keep the exhaust fumes concentrated around the cage, and isolated from leaking to the rest of the garage.

Everything was going pretty well until the possum jumped toward the door of the cage which startled me and I accidentally dropped the cage. When the trap hit the floor, the catch for the door slipped just enough so that the door came open under the weight of the possum and I watched in disbelief as my prized game had escaped from captivity. The screams of my brave wife echoed off the garage floor as she leaped heroically to safety inside the cabin of the car. As I snapped out of the euphoria of my victorious possum capture, I suddenly thought to myself; “holy crap there’s a possum loose in the garage!”

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Luckily I was able to grab a 15 foot pole. (No really, we have a telescoping paint roller stick that extends to about 15 feet.) And then proceeded to “fish” the possum out from between the freezer and some lumber I had stacked there. After forcing the possum out of its hiding place, it ran under the mower and then finally along the wall to the door of the garage. I then watched with respectful admiration as this worthy adversary waddled off into the darkness. The thrill of this hunt will have to be continued on another day.

4 comments:

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Sneaky Castro, extra sneaky said...

All I got to say is next time try using a turkish snowcone some astroglide and give him the old one two shocker.

peace and chicken grease

Dolomite said...

pimps up hoes down. I guess you could say that possum gave you a philly fake out. Well I got to wipe off this hot carl before it starts to set in.

smell ya

Leon Phelps, The Ladies Man said...

Uh yeaaa, I don't know about using no astroglide on no pothum, but as an espert in the ways of love I can say that astroglide is perfect for when yo sweet thang wants you to whip it all out and do it in dabutt.

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