Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Solution To Bad Drivers

I continually lament over the stupidity of mankind while driving. So therefore I have naturally developed the opinion that many of the accidents and deaths that occur on the road could easily be avoided if drivers were forced to take an IQ test in order to obtain or keep their driver’s license. So I was just wondering; what might that test look like?

1. How often should a pedestrian check the brakes on their car?

2. How many cars are permitted through an intersection when a light is turning red?

3. What is a fifth wheel used for?

4. How many sides are on a hexagonal shaped stop sign?

5. What is the maximum distance that a driver is permitted to drive on the wrong side of the road?

6. What is the slowest speed that can be measured on a tachometer?

7. How much slower must a driver’s car be than the traffic in the slow lane when they are merging onto an interstate highway?

8. What does the yellow light mean?

9. Under what circumstances is a driver permitted to turn left across an unbroken double yellow line?

10. If a driver is drunk, talking on a cell phone and driving recklessly before having a fatal accident with a telephone pole; what infraction of the law will the responding police officer cite the driver for?

Scoring System:
One point for every correct answer.

Reading the score:
10 = We regret to inform you that you will be waiting in line at the DMV for the next 5 hours to pick up your driver’s license.

9 = Congratulations, you only missed obtaining a driver’s license by one point!

8 = Buy a bus pass instead paying as you go, it’s cheaper that way.

7 = You can’t have a license, but we’ll let you pay the fee to take the test again.

6 = Pull up your drooping pants. Nobody wants see your underwear.

5 = At this IQ you are only qualified to drive in the state of Indiana.

4 = You don’t need a license. You can ride the short bus.

3 = How do you even function in society?

2 = They must not have cars in the country you are from.

1 = Good news! Your lobotomy was successful!

0 = Blame the public school system for your illiteracy.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Fun At The Mall

The mall that I shop at has a large bulk sales grocery and home goods store as one of its anchor stores. This store is the only of its type within about a 50 mile radius which means it gets a lot more customers than a normal grocery store. More customers’ means more shopping carts in the lot. As a result, the kid that retrieves the carts from the parking lot gets to use this remote controlled cart lugging thing to make life easier.

So I go to pull into a parking space near the front door and this stupid kid drives his cart lugger into my space and I end up having to go to the far end of the row to park. As I was walking toward the front door of the mall, the kid walks past me to go retrieve this one lone cart that was left out by where I had to park. At the same time I notice what appears to be a key in the back of the lugger that turns it on and off. Yep, you guessed it; I “stole” the key when he wasn’t looking. Well I didn’t really steal it. I just inconspicuously moved it to a new location behind some bushes.

Now seriously, I was just hoping to piss off the kid by making him have to go all the way back to the store to get some theoretical spare key from his angry manager, or so I thought. Yep you guessed it; they only had one key and the lugger is just a useless collection of metal and plastic without it. So what did the kid and the manager do?

They reported it to those fake cops at the mall. (Dude, you knew that was coming) And how do I know this? Because one of the mall cops actually stopped me and asked if I had seen…well…ME! Unfortunately, I am not able tell when too much is too much. So I played the role of a concerned citizen willing to help him find the guy he described as me. Surprisingly, after only about 15 minutes walking the mall beat, we found 5 other guys that he thought for sure were the culprit.
He ended suspecting me though, because I couldn’t stop laughing.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Greetings, My Fellow Warped Weirdos

I am weird. I know it because people have told me. It bothered me when I was young, but I've grown to embellish the uniqueness of my weird nature.

This blog will be a repository of thoughts that will house all the new writings of the messed up things from the world inside my head. It will be a record of crazy things I do, and crazy theories of all the things I observe in the "real" world.

So, to the assumed readership of this blog, be forewarned that what you are soon to see here may be disturbing.

And most importantly, "Thank you for your support."

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