Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Friday, December 14, 2007

My Personality DNA

Mouse over the colors for more insight.

Friday, December 7, 2007

2007 - The Weird Warped Year In Review

Thanks to my wife’s distribution of the Possum story last week, the readership of my blog has more than tripled. To be more specific, my readership has jumped from about 5 regular readers to about 17. I figure just in case these new readers actually want to hang with my blog for awhile, I will give them a few weeks to catch up on all the old stuff. To facilitate their theoretical reading of my past blog entries I want to post a helpful guide for them to use. As it turns out this would also be a good way to recap all of the best entries from Andy’s weird warped year of 2007.

April 9 - Welcome
After being “kicked” off of MSN Spaces, I created Andy’s WWW and posted the first entry to welcome any possible new readers.

April 20 – Fun at the Mall
This is an interesting series of events that happened during last years Christmas shopping season that I decided to revive for my first real entry.

April 25 – The Solution to Bad Drivers
I have had this theory for quite some time. I just decided that this was a good time to put it in writing.

May 3 – Demon Days
This is my little guide to identifying and exorcizing the evil demons that reside in your computer.

May 4 – A Social Experiment
This is probably my favorite entry of the year. It’s the investigation of how Jesse Jackson would handle a racial injustice against a white person.

May 17 – The Bart Simpson Credit Card Scam
I would never try this, but I do use that guys naming system for things I sign up for on the internet.

All of June – The Travelers Guide To London
The things I learned while traveling in London that I felt I must pass on to my reader(s). I posted all the pictures we took also.

July 31 – Fun with PETA
This is my first letter to PETA that I posted on this site. It was a little over the top and probably uncalled for, but I really wanted to rile them up enough to get a response from them.

August 30 – An Oldie But A Goodie
I had writers block so I just re-posted a favorite entry from MSN Spaces. It’s about possible uses for color coded licenses plates in addition to the yellow ones for DUI.

September 17 – 7 Questions
A fictitious interview with Snoop Dogg that is very similar to a real life interview between NY Times readers and Fifty Cent.

October 3 – Breasts Not Boobs
A humorous observation about an organization called Breasts Not Bombs.

October 9 – PET(A) Food
If you liked the previous e-mail to PETA, then you will like this one too.

October 23 – Crack Kills
The modern look at the old joke about people with saggy pants.

November 6 – New Target
Forget PETA, these guys will be much more fun to mess with by sending them e-mails. The potential for Blog material from these guys is really a gift from Heaven.

November 8 – Chris Henry: Player Hater
This pictorial entry was easily the fastest moving entry from conception to posting. I heard the news story about Chris Henry pushing a valet at Newport on the Levee while parking my car, and then posted this within the next half hour.

November 20 – Calling All Warped Weirdo’s, Help Needed
The next installment of hopefully many hilarious replies from the Westboro Brainless Cult.
And that will bring us back full circle to the entry that probably brought you here the “Tales of the Possum Hunter”. Thanks for stopping by this year. I hope to see you all on the first week of January when I come back from a little blog holiday.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

Tales Of The Possum Hunter

How I Discovered That Dry Possum Poop Is the Stickiest Substance on Earth

OK, so it’s like this. About a month ago I woke up in the middle of the night with some heart burn and really needed a glass of milk from the kitchen. As I was walking by the sliding doors to the back deck I noticed a silhouette of the wife's retarded cat standing up tall with his back arched. I looked out the door to see what that stupid cat was doing and there was a possum poking his head inside the cats’ house. Now since I built this heated cat house with my own two hands to keep my smart cat from freezing his butt off when the temperature drops, I can’t have some grubby little possum enacting squatter’s rights in it over the winter.

After several attempts at remembering to ask about borrowing an animal trap from my grandpa, I was finally able to get one at the house all ready for me to trap me a possum.

I have to admit, I didn’t think I would catch anything on the first night let alone the first three nights of setting the trap. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t that dang possum that I was trapping. I trapped the same stray cat twice and realized that I couldn’t just let it go or it would keep coming back. So the wife and I “evacuated” it to a much safer place. By the way, if you’re from PETA, the word “evacuated” means we tortured it and then killed it and then hung its dead body on a stick in the ground to act as a warning to any other cats that might come to that deck. If you’re not from PETA, the word “evacuated” just means we relocated it to a secret undisclosed location. The very next night a second stray got in the way of my quest to trap that possum. It didn’t look good for this weary possum hunter.

Then finally on one glorious night early this week, I actually caught that evil possum! In that triumphant moment I found myself completely enveloped with the smell of victory which in this circumstance means the smell of possum poop. Apparently possums are timid and if you spook one by trapping it in a cage, it totally looses all bowel function.

What Not To Do With a Possum in a Cage

As it turns out, if you catch a possum in a cage, you have to kill it because of the risk that it might have rabies and will bite you when it’s released. There is only one problem with this requirement. I don’t own a gun or a knife that I can safely kill an animal with. So the wife and I get the idea that we can gas it to death via the exhaust pipe of the car. No big deal, right? So we figure we need to enclose the cage somehow in order to keep the exhaust fumes concentrated around the cage, and isolated from leaking to the rest of the garage.

Everything was going pretty well until the possum jumped toward the door of the cage which startled me and I accidentally dropped the cage. When the trap hit the floor, the catch for the door slipped just enough so that the door came open under the weight of the possum and I watched in disbelief as my prized game had escaped from captivity. The screams of my brave wife echoed off the garage floor as she leaped heroically to safety inside the cabin of the car. As I snapped out of the euphoria of my victorious possum capture, I suddenly thought to myself; “holy crap there’s a possum loose in the garage!”


Luckily I was able to grab a 15 foot pole. (No really, we have a telescoping paint roller stick that extends to about 15 feet.) And then proceeded to “fish” the possum out from between the freezer and some lumber I had stacked there. After forcing the possum out of its hiding place, it ran under the mower and then finally along the wall to the door of the garage. I then watched with respectful admiration as this worthy adversary waddled off into the darkness. The thrill of this hunt will have to be continued on another day.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Dealing With Unlimited Music Service Withdrawl

I totally gotta give a shout out to Yahoo's 'Y!Music LaunchCast Radio'. This totally rocks! You can customize your own radio station for FREE! All you do is set up your radio station by specifying your favorite artists. Then, when they play a song, you rate the song, the artist, and the album. This way you end up getting the music you like played randomly. and they throw in new stuff that they think you will also like so the music never gets stale.

This is of course a stark contrast to Yahoo's 'Y!Music Unlimited' service which was actually very limited in what it can do and was just riddled with bugs and management problems.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Calling All Warped Weirdos, Help Needed

Well kids, here it is. The answer we were waiting for from Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church (Or as I like to call them, The Westboro Brainless Cult). Unfortunately, this one also, for some unknown reason, completely side stepped my question. Again, I have added my personal commentary in blue text.


God hates Cincinnati because it is full of fags and sinners calling themselves Christians but don’t preach against those who have soiled this city with the semen of fags. [Yuck, remind me not to touch anything next time I am downtown.] If you were a faithful follower of God’s word you would already be in the streets in front of city hall preaching against the abominations and lewd behavior of the fags that you instead tolerate. [How do you know I am not doing that? I didn’t mention that in my e-mail.] Because from Falwell to Robertson, the Episcopalians to the Lutherans, you're all preaching the same thing, [What do you mean “I am preaching”? You just said I wasn’t preaching.] that grand message delivered by the Serpent in the Garden of Eden -- "ye shall not surely die". [Are you retarded or something? Jerry Falwell talked down gays as much as you. He was your kind of people.] You don't hear hell preached from America's pulpits anymore! [What pulpits besides your own have you heard sermons from?] There is no accountability for sin in this place, [except maybe a $10.9 million dollar lawsuit for picketing a soldiers funeral.] and therefore, there is no abstinence from sin, which wars against your soul (1 Peter 2:11). [What’s funny is; the very next verse refers to living peacefully with the pagans as an example as opposed to slandering them outright.]

Rev. Fred Phelps

Well alright then. I guess I am going to have to start thinking like a crazy person. I am going to write my next e-mail in a manner that will be as close to an impression of him as I can possibly get. DUDE! I know what to do! I should invite him to come to Cincinnati to picket a City Council meeting! But then what would I do if they did come to town? Why don’t I just leave this open for suggestions? I will take any and all ideas regarding what to with these nut jobs if they actually came to Cincinnati.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Still Waiting

Well kids, I still haven't gotten any reply from Fred Phelps of that hate group from Topeka Kansas. So I decided I would share this weird little tidbit with you on a similar subject. This is from a guy named Donnie Davies who has pretty much the same views of Fred except he doesn't picket Iraq War Veterans funerals. He has a much gentler approach to spreading his beliefs. He writes songs about his beliefs. Unfortunately he doesn't get it either because this song is called "God Hates Fags".

Click here to hear it.

I should clarify what I mean by these guys not getting it. I don't accept or agree with gay behavior any more than I accept or agree with the behavior of murderers, but I consider the members of both groups to be redeemable by Christ under the same conditions as the rest of this sinful world that God so loved. So therefore gays shouldn't be referred to in derogatory terms any more than a Christian should be referred to as a "brain washed religious nut", nor should we suspect that God hates them. He just hates what they do.

OK! Everybody sing! God hates fags....God hates fags....if your a fag then God hates you too...

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Don't Drink The Water

I just read this story about an "epidemic" at a high school in Roanoke, Virginia. Apparently people are acquiring some illness where they get these uncontrollable twitches and spasms. After the local health department officials found nothing contagious that would cause the twitching, the schools principal decided not to close the school.

Being curious of what kind of illness could possibly have twitching as a symptom, I decided to look it up at WebMD because seriously, I have never caught any kind of illness that caused twitching. So anyways I spend like 20 seconds finding that there are no contagious illnesses that cause twitching. Let me repeat that. There are no contagious illnesses that cause twitching. So why were the health officials looking for one? Are there health officials in my city that are stupid enough to look for something that doesn't exist. So after like another 5 seconds I discover that even though there is no illness, there is a condition triggered by an excess of Chloride in the body that actually does cause twitching. After another 5 seconds, a google search shows that excessive amounts of Chloride are common in heavily worn plumbing.

Seriously people, it took me like 30 seconds to figure out that the problem was in the water. I bet you probably jumped to that conclusion too. These people couldn't even suspect this after testing for weeks. How do people like this function in society? More importantly, why are they in charge of peoples children? Hmm, maybe I should go back and check if Chloride also causes brain damage.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

New Target

Those who have read my blog for any period of time can tell that I like to mess with the organization PETA in e-mail form. I think I will forgo any further e-mails to PETA for 2 reasons. One, they don’t send me any goofy replies back anymore. And two, they are just a minor annoyance in the world whereas this cult in Topeka Kansas called the WBC is an internal threat to Christians. (See the Weekly Squeak for the blog I wrote about them: ) I will admit that I am not the best person in the world with my occasional off color language and such, but I still think I really need to send them some e-mails. I have begun by sending them the below e-mail to test how far I can go with them. The ‘contact us’ part of their website gives you a very vague response to your message which makes it difficult to tell if they even got the message, so we will have to wait and see if we get a reply.

Dear Rev. Phelps,

I am a faithful follower of God’s true word and I support all of your work and effort in educating the world of God’s clear commandments condemning homosexuality. It has been my belief for many years that America was in a downward spiral into Hell with seemingly no chance of redemption. I want to believe that it’s possible to change America from its sinful ways. I think something needs to be done soon.

While I don’t think I can change America, I would like to try to change the city I was born and raised in. The city of Cincinnati is in a state of crisis today as the misguided city government has recently placed a gay woman on City Council. In addition to city government, large companies like Cincinnati Bell Telephone have also fallen under the sinful leadership of gays in their upper management. If something isn’t done soon, I am concerned these leaders’ gay agenda will have a negative impact on the city of Cincinnati.

I am writing to you today to ask for your guidance on how best to try to change the city of Cincinnati’s evil ways and hopefully turn it in a God fearing direction. Any and all advice in this matter is needed.

Freddy A. Heddar
My hope is that I can get lots more crazy crap from this guy to use against him in future e-mails.

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Crack Kills

Do you know what's more stupid than baggy pants wearing butt pirates? The leaders in the city hall in Dallas who think that a couple of billboards are a suitable substitute for a belt. That's as stupid as the people who drive up behind you at like a hundred miles an hour and then flash their headlights at you as if for some reason their headlight switch is somehow connected to your gas pedal. These billboards aren't gonna have any affect on people who probably can't even read them in the first place. I should know, they wrote me e-mails after a previous blog I wrote and many were indecipherable.

Seriously, are a couple of billboards gonna make the dumb ass baggy pants wearers smart enough to figure out that they could actually walk if they would just pull up their pants. Heck no! But you know what would? A "Billy Club". That's right, all they really had to do was make a law allowing Police officers the right to pummel any gay wad with his baggy pants hanging down below his butt. There you go, problem solved.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

From The News Desk Of Sneaky Pete

In world news this week, the ‘functionally retarded’ President George W. Bush actually did something right for the first time in his presidency by pushing for tougher sanctions against the country of Iran while at the same time doing the wrong thing by not giving the orders to bomb the crap out of Iran. After returning from a trip to Tehran to visit the ‘Israeli hating’ Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the ‘two faced’ Russian president Vladimir Putin declared that Russia will continue to build an atomic power plant for use by the country of Iran despite agreeing with Bush that it was not in the best interest of the entire world for Iran to have the capacity to make a nuclear weapon. In this Anchorcat’s opinion, the US should assume that everything Russia is doing is part of plot to attack America.
In U.S. News this week, Congress passed a new law making it illegal for cat owners to feed their cat anything but raw tuna.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

PET(A) Food

After reading an article about PETA's protest at a Procter and Gamble board meeting, I find myself having to send yet another e-mail to PETA.

Dear PETA,

We are delighted to be able to take you up on your recent offer that was strongly implied through yesterdays protest at a Procter and Gamble board meeting in Cincinnati. We would like to commend your volunteers for their selfless contributions, and without whom many animals would suffer needlessly.

Over the last few years we at P&G have searched for new alternatives to using dogs and cats for the testing of Iams pet food. While the testing of pet foods on pets in the home is currently in practice today through our test marketing process, it has been determined to be rather unfeasible for pet foods that are in the early stages of development. Therefore testing is still required to be done on large scale sample groups within the confines of the development facility.

Thanks to the inspiration from your protesters and their strong interest in the testing performed at our Iams plant, we are proud to say that we will no longer have to perform animal testing at any of our facilities worldwide.

In preparation for the implementation of the new plan we have several requirements that will be required of your volunteers. First, we will need between 50 and 60 of these individuals to conduct scientific studies. Second, we would require that they be of rather small stature as the cages they will be kept in were originally meant for canines. And most importantly, the volunteers must be devoid of any allergies to rodents, insects, horses, fish oils, pig entrails, formaldehyde, and phosphates as these may be commonly found in many pet foods.

We will expect to see the PETA test subjects at our Dayton Iams facility in about two weeks. By that time all of the pets should be completely removed and completely relocated to their new homes in the testing labs of our newly acquired rat poisoning plant.

On behalf of all of the management of P&G we would again like to thank PETA for such a generous offer for help in eliminating the testing at our Iams plant.

J.R. (Bob) Downs

I as always won't expect to hear back from them because sure they will moan about not wanting animals for necessary tasks, but they wouldn't even be remotely committed enough to take the place of the animals.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Breasts Not Boobs

Have you heard of this unusual anti-war campaign called “Breasts Not Bombs”? At first I thought this had to be a good thing because hey, how could I possibly have any problem with naked boobs. But then it occurred to me that these people are really confused. First of all, the radical Islamists we are fighting are going to be angered that much more by American women flashing their boobs because it only furthers their belief that ‘Idealistic Americans' are trying to “destroy” their religion. But more importantly, what would happen if we took them seriously? That’s right. What if we took these topless protesters, put them inside a couple of Air Force bombers and then dropped them over Iraq? I really don’t think these breasts would have nearly the destructive power of the bombs they would replace. So therefore these women need to start flashing their boobs for campaigns that would make a lot more sense, like maybe gun control. Yep, I’d much rather hold a breast than a gun.

Friday, September 14, 2007

7 Questions

This week on the NY Times website they posted an interview in which the white upper class readers of the NY Times submitted questions for rapper 50 cent. I think this is a great idea and would to like to follow suit with a similar interview of my own. So…ladies and gentlemen allow me to introduce to you for this exclusive Weird Warped World interview; Snoop Dogg.

What republican presidential candidate do you favor most?

Shiz dem b-jobbys don’t roll with no cavy sack.

Is there any connection, as your name would suggest, between you and the peanuts character Snoopy?

Shiz! yo jockin’ my style?

How has the music industry changed since you first began recording albums?

Dam, it be buck wild fro da shit to be rollin deep fo da jonx.

Seeing how both of us have spent time in prison, would that make us Homies?

Jigga some busta white ho.

Do you think the housing bust will push the country into economic recession?

Shiiee, no gank from no gansta fly shit. Jes B rollin wit a foty.

Can you score me some weed?

B up with some sticks and stems, keep da sticky-icky shit fo me.

Do you support or oppose the war in Iraq?

Niggas steppin’ yall. Need to roll wit da gats.
Yo, it’s time for me to ball. Peace out.

Well, I guess that concludes this interview with our special guest Snoop Dogg. Join us next time when we conduct a much more coherent interview with Snoop Doggs bag of weed.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Prophet See

On rare nights I have some pretty weird dreams. But, sometimes they stop being abstract and become very realistic. Time will move as it should and everything will properly obey the laws of physics. In these types of dreams I will also see people and places in just the same way they are in real life. The only difference between real life and these dreams is WHEN they take place. Sometimes I remember the dream all the way till the point where it happens, and other times I forget about the dream until I am reminded of it in some déjà vu type occurrence.

Normally the prophetic dreams I have are nothing but normal everyday activities. I had a dream about a church picnic once. It ended up being déjà vu. I had several about my wife before we even met. I actually didn’t have to wait very long for the actualization of some rather odd dreams of me and this unknown woman.

Usually they are nothing to be alarmed about, but this recent couple of dreams has been rather disturbing to me. Not only does the world around me just seem different in the future they depict, but the activities are also very disturbing. In one dream, I am driving along following a tractor trailer. As we make the left turn from Columbia St. to Reading Rd. I can just barely see the spray painted word “LIVE” despite the fact that a large part of the trailers side has been damaged heavily. I don’t know why am following this truck, but there seems to be a lot of people following this truck as well. This didn’t really freak me out as much as it made me wonder how close in the future it is because I am driving the same 15 year old Ford Ranger that I currently drive. In another dream, I am walking between two fenced off areas where people have been herded into groups that are gradually being loaded into the cargo areas of moving and storage type trucks. There is a corral with a larger group of weak old people that seem very hesitant to get on the trucks. Some of them appear to prefer starving on the ground rather than getting into the trucks. There is a smaller group in the other corral. They are younger and don’t seem to mind standing in line in a single file while waiting to ascend the gang planks into the backs of the trucks.

What’s going on in these dreams? Are these events that are really going to happen or are they just something out of my subconscious? I don’t know. I guess if they do happen then I will update the blog, and if they don’t then we will all just forget about them.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

An Oldie But A Goody

Here is little blast from the past for everyone to read while I continue my mental vacation for another week.

When asked what I thought about Ohio's new use of bright orange license plates issued to drivers after only one DUI, I thought...

I wonder what else we could use color coded license plates for.

Yesterday morning I was driving to work behind what appeared to be the gold Toyota Camry of a competent driver. Or at least I thought so before we got to the on ramp of the expressway. Clearly, this person did not see a single thing wrong with merging onto a 70mph expressway going less than 30mph. So there I was, dodging the high speed traffic that came up behind us, and by some miracle of God I actually made it safely to an open space in the middle lane of the 3 lane expressway. So I go back to driving along like nothing happened, but what should I see in my rear view mirror? The driver of that gold Toyota Camry is flipping me the bird! So then the guy drives around me at like 100mph and tears off down the road. Not even 2 exits away from that I see the Camry swerve back into the middle lane and an Audi that was already in that lane slams right into the passenger door of the Toyota. Why? Because the driver of the Audi didnt know that the driver of the Camry was incompetent. So, I propose that all people who are determined to be incompetent by the rest of us be required to use the special license plate design I have displayed below. I believe that if the driver of the Camry was displaying these plates, then the driver of the Audi could have avoided the accident.

Occasionally there are news stories about children being abducted after approaching the car of some sexual predator. In most cases the sexual predator is a repeat offender of this type of behavior. I truly believe that this could be avoided if known sexual predators are required to display a license plate like the one shown below.

I hate when I am sitting at a busy red light and one of the cars around me has that loud bass thing going on and I cant figure out which car it is because it's loud enough to be coming from any of them. I think people who break loud noise ordinances should be required to have the below license plate.

How about this special one for people who like to tailgate you?

Well anyways you get the picture. There are thousands of possibilities for the color coded license plates.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Blonde Jokes

I had started gathering jokes to post on my previous blog every Friday, but since I was kicked out of MSN Spaces I don’t really know what to do with these anymore. So I figure I will post them here when I can’t think of anything else to write. Here is a collection of all my blonde jokes.

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell ... she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

What's the difference between a blonde and your job?

Your job still sucks after 6 months.

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?

"The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ...?"

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?


What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?

Some traffic signs say stop.

How does a blonde kill a fish?

She drowns it ...

How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?

Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

What's the difference between a blonde and a light bulb?

The light bulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

Why do blonde chicks have cum in their navels?

Because blonde guys aren't too bright either!

How do you make a blonde’s eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in her ears.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Monkey See, Monkey Do

There is a news story today about a man who smuggled a monkey into the country by hiding it under his hat. Hmmm, why................

does this........

sound so........

... familiar?

Friday, August 3, 2007

The 51st State?

Does anyone who reads this blog use Google Analytics for tracking their own blogs? I just noticed something funny about the US map that tracks what states readers are from. It is not only missing Michigan and several of the great lakes, but most importantly it includes a mysterious kidney shaped state in place of where Michigan should be. I am going to call this new state Andyland.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Fun with PETA

I don't know why, but I just really felt like writing this e-mail to PETA. They didn't respond to my last e-mail asking if it was OK to use the hides of PETA members to make leather, so I don't really expect to hear back from them.

Dear PETA,

As acting commissioner of the NDFA (National Dog Fighting Association), I am displeased with your smear campaign against our organization.

The NDFA is an organization that is deeply rooted in the strong traditions that are highly regarded by many in this country. Dog fighting was first known to exist within the early protestant church as a representation of the ongoing battle between righteousness and depravity inside all mankind. Then, 200 years ago, the spectator sport of dog fighting was first introduced in this country by our forefathers Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson as a more humane substitute to the Negro fighting that was, at that time, enjoyed by many slave owners. In later years, President Abraham Lincoln praised the early form of the NDFA for reducing the abuses of slave owners, and for continuing the American spirit to fight to the end for what they believe is right. During WWII, the NDFA used it’s expertise in training animals for the service of the US army in their fight against the Nazi regime. Since then, dog fighting has become a symbol of the life, liberty and happiness that our forefathers fought so hard to secure for all freedom loving Americans.

As a spokesperson for true Americans, Veterans, faithful Christians, and Civil Rights activist everywhere; I can declare that the recent smear campaign against the NDFA is a clear indication of the hidden satanic, racist and communist motives of PETA. While you at PETA may appear to be helping animals, this is apparently just a front for your campaign against American values, Civil Rights, and the word of God that declared man’s dominion over all animals. This declaration is supported by the following report from the Journal of the American Medical Association. In a John’s Hopkins University study, it was found that people who didn’t eat sufficient amounts of animal protein would be stricken with a mild form a mental retardation that would prevent them from having a firm grasp of ephemeral concepts such as Freedom, Heaven, and God given rights.

So it is with my support from Christians, Civil Rights Activist, Veterans and the Medical community that I write this letter of condemnation to the PETA organization.

J.R. “Bob” Downs

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Top 10 Little Known Things About London

It’s apparently illegal to sit down in public within Central London as there are virtually no park benches, and any other place where you could sit has metal spikes mounted to it.

There is a reason why the British haven’t taken over the American Automotive market like the Japanese have; because their cars are crap.

Any Londoner you meet is more likely to be from France, Spain or The Middle East rather than from the UK.

Even though British beer makers should be rebuked for making cruddy tasting beer, they should also be praised for making it with like double the alcoholic content.

Contrary to popular belief, Londoners do not stop everything at noon and drink tea... they actually have tea at 3.

African Americans have nothing on the British when it comes to plating things with gold.

Some places serve fish with the scales still on it.

They don’t have English Muffins in England.

For a city with such an extensive public transportation system, you sure have to walk some great distances to get to everything.

Real English people don’t sound anything like the Monty Python guys

Friday, June 29, 2007

All the Pics

I decided to add all the rest of the pictures from the London trip to the slideshow.
Click Here

Monday, June 25, 2007

The Travelers Guide To London: Chapter Four

Welcome back to my American guide to London. Here is a list of all the places I would either recommend that you visit or skip followed by the reasons for each.

Where to go:

Madame Tussaud’s
Where else can you get a picture of yourself kicking Saddam Hussein in the nuts? We were pleased that it was more than just wax figures in a room and thought you got pretty much for the ticket price.

The Royal Albert Memorial
You just can’t understand the ornate grandeur of it without seeing it up close.

Changing of the Guards
Even though it’s just the Guard guys marching, it’s still pretty neat. The guards on horses provided another unique little show.

Piccadilly Circus
Since walking and looking at things is mostly all that London has to offer, the fun atmosphere of this area was a nice change of pace. The incredibly expansive Trocadero Arcade was pretty fun. And according to restaurant signs, it is the home of London’s best fish and chips.

Trafalgar Square
The National Portrait Gallery is here, as well as some famous statue that is so far up on this column that you can’t really see it. I especially like the view of Big Ben and the Admirals Arch from here. And according to restaurant signs, it is the home of London’s best fish and chips.

Hyde Park Corner
The original Hard Rock Café, and the Hard Rock Vault are here, so of course I liked this area. This is also a good picture spot for the Wellington Arch. And according to restaurant signs, it is the home of London’s best fish and chips.

Oxford Circus
This wouldn’t be on the list except there are some real good places to eat in this area. We got great Italian and Spanish food here. And according to restaurant signs, it is the home of London’s best fish and chips.

The Natural History Museum
The Awe inspiring building alone is worth the trip there.

The Tower Bridge Exhibition
I was simply expecting a small wall with some documents, sketches and blurry black and white pictures. So when we found the well produced movies at each tower along the self guided tour across the top walkways of the bridge, we were very pleased.

Tower of London
It’s an old castle, so you can talk like the Monty python comedians and nobody even thinks twice. It’s sort of like the middle ages version of Colonial Williamsburg.

Paul Patisserie’s
It’s a chain of deli-like bakeries and the only restaurant in London that I wish we had in Cincinnati as well. Try a "Le Croque", the are very tastey ham and cheese croisants that make a great breakfast.

The Orangery Tea Room
The fancy scenery and building are worth seeing. The fancy food was pretty good too.

Where not to go:

The Orangery Tea Room
You got there expecting a truly fine British experience, and are totally let down. Debby was seconds away from pimp slapping one of the Czech or Romanian servers that didn’t really know how to speak English.

London Dungeon
Apparently you wait 6 hours in line just to go through a haunted house. I was happy with just going through the one at Madame Tussaud’s.

The Science Museum
They actually perfected a method of portraying science to be more boring than even a nerd boy like me can take.

The Geology Museum
See the above Science Museum explanation. We stumbled into this one by accident thinking it was the Natural History Museum. I especially hate this one because it’s a one way trip through this museum and we lost all of our museum time trying to get out of it, and therefore ended up not having time for the really cool looking Natural History Museum.

The Apsley House
A dusty and musty old house with boring antique looking stuff. It was just plain boring.

Hyde Park
It may as well be [insert county park here] back home.

The Medieval Banquet at the Beefeater restaurant
The horribly high price seemed like a pretty good deal because it included unlimited beer and wine until we found out the beer was authentic, non-carbonated, nasty tasting “ale” and the wine was almost literally vinegar. They didn’t really try to make it authentic either, because the wenches were Hispanic and French, and the minstrels played Irish Christmas songs.
That's pretty much all I got for attractions. Tune in next time when I wrap up the American Travelers Guide for London with random nuggets of advice.

Friday, June 22, 2007

London Slideshow

You can find this slideshow with larger pictures by clicking on this link

Monday, June 18, 2007

The Travelers Guide to London: Chapter Three

Welcome back to my blog type travel guide for Americans visiting London. In this week’s installment, we will look at transportation to all of the fun places and historic sites that London has to offer.

The recommended way to get around London according to the London Transportation authority is by the underground train system called The Underground. The first thing you will need to effectively utilize “The Tube” is to familiarize yourself with the simple and easy to read tube maps like the one displayed here.

Access to “The Tube” can best be obtained by first acquiring a London Transport Travel Card. This very versatile card can also be used for access to the red double-decker buses, the short route trams, the river crossing ferry boats, the Heathrow Airport rail system, National railways light rail system, the Docklands light rail system, and passage on pretty much everything just short of the space shuttle. Although if you look close enough at the fine print, you may find that to be included also.

The underground trains are apparently environmentally conscious because by the strong odor emitting from the tunnels, one can easily reason that the engines must burn human urine for fuel instead of oil or coal.

For those of us who would rather kill the earth in order to breathe fresh air, I highly recommend the red double-decker buses. These not only provide you with better scenery while in route to your destination, but also an exciting thrill ride. There is nothing more invigorating about riding with a crazy driver weaving through traffic and dodging crossing pedestrians, than to experience it from 20 feet above the ground. It’s so much fun they could actually charge for it. Oh wait a minute, they do charge for it.

That’s all I got for you concerning transportation. Tune in next week when I reveal all the best and worst attractions in the greater London area.

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

The Traveler's Guide To London: Chapter Two

Welcome back to this weeks guide to travel in Britain. In this installment we will look at British currency.

The base unit of British currency is of course the Pound. Which is also called a Sterling, but can also be called a quid. Which is not short for “quid pro quo” the Latin phrase meaning something for something as any dead Roman might think. It is short for Quidhampton, the place where the British mint their coins.

Apparently, the British like to make Americans feel stupid with their impossible to figure out monetary system. For example, the pound is equal to 100 pennies called pence, and at the same time is also equal to 20 shillings whereby a shilling is equal to 12 pence. This according to my math is 240 pence. Go figure? There are also many coins in the British currency. These coins are the 1 penny, 2 pence, 5 pence, 10 pence, 20 pence, 50 pence, 1 pound, 2 pound and the lesser used Half pence, 6 pence, 12 pence, Farthing, Shilling, Bob, Guinea, and Half a Crown. With all these coins and value discrepancies, who can keep up with them? Exactly! So for that reason, the British don’t really count out change. They just simply give you a small handful of coins that looks like a believable amount of change from your transaction. And like any other stupid American, you just let it go because by the time you get an exact count of the change, you’ve forgotten how much change you should have gotten in the first place. Doh!

So take my advice. Use a credit card wherever you go. That way, you only get ripped off from the horrible dollar to pound exchange rate.

Well, that’s all I got for now. Don’t miss the bus next week when I talk about transportation in London.

Wednesday, June 6, 2007

The Travelers Guide To London: Chapter One

Now That I have returned from a trip to London, I would like to write a series of blogs dedicated to making all the future American travelers to Britain a little more informed. In the first part of this series, I would like to focus on the differences between American and British terminology.

Let’s first take a look at food terms so that the average American traveler will know what they are getting when they order in a restaurant. For example, what we call French fries the British call chips. And what we call chips, they call crisps. So obviously what we call crisps, they call French fries. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? It should also be known that what the British call cider we call wine, and what they call wine we call vinegar, and I think that what they call vinegar might actually contain malt liquor, but I’m not sure. At breakfast time you will notice that what we call ham, they call bacon, and what we call bacon, they call a rasher. They will also refer to sausage as a banger, and what we call sausage, for some ungodly reason, they think it should be eaten with blood in a pie form. And just so you know, “spotted dick” is not a crude term in the UK. It’s actually a meat product.

Speaking of spotted dicks, it should also be noted that if you ask for directions to the bathroom, you may have to pee in a bath tub. That’s because in the UK, they don’t have toilets in bathrooms. And what’s even worse is they don’t even have any restrooms! Apparently in the UK you can find a toilet; inside a toilet. I guess that’s so if you are standing there peeing, and you miss the inside toilet, then you got the outside toilet for backup. I am not sure how things would work out if you sit down, but luckily, everywhere we went they had a room called a loo which just has normal American toilets in it. I’d bet money that if they built more of those loo’s, they would have less people peeing in bath tubs.

Speaking of money, it’s necessary for the American traveler to know that what we call a dollar, they call a pound, which is strange because it is a real small coin that doesn’t even come close to weighing a pound. Unless of course their system of weight has a lighter definition of what a pound weighs, which of course means that a normal sized person would weigh like 10,000 pounds! If that’s the case then I can understand why they switched to the metric system of Kilograms. It’s much more flattering to those on a diet.

Well, that’s all I got for this week. Stay tuned next week when I delve farther into the mystery of British currency.

Friday, May 18, 2007

Just So You Know

Hey Kids! I will be gone for the next 2 weeks, so there won't be any Weird and/or Warped entries added!

But you can check out
The Weekly Squeak in the mean time!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Bart Simpson Credit Card Scam

I was reminded yesterday of this old telephone number I had that was frequently used by a credit card scammer on some false credit card applications. The guy was also somewhat of comedian because the names were almost as funny as the name Santos L. Halper on Bart Simpson’s card. Usually he used the same double letters in the first and last names when fabricating them. So I would get these phone calls from collections agency’s asking for Gabby Gabbard. Dude, you have got to be kidding me. You mean to tell me that Discover, CitiBank, or some other credit card company actually took this name seriously. The guy absconded with a couple of thousand dollars from each of about three different credit card companies. I estimated he got about $8000 and authorities are still probably trying to find him because they were clueless about the number not being connected to an address in (notice the double letters) Kipssissle, Mississippi.

So I got to thinking, if credit card companies really are this stupid, then why am I still slaving away at a 9 to 5 job like the rest of the working class?

The first part of the scam would be easy. I get credit card applications in the mail all the time. All I got to do is make up several fake identities with names that are at least as believable as Gabby Gabbard, and make sure they are not actual names so there’s no actual person to cause the situation to be mistaken for identity theft which would tip off the credit people. It doesn’t matter if nobody has heard of these people. There are lots of smaller credit card companies, like Discover and Citibank, which give out cards to people with no credit history all the time.

The second part of the scam would not only be a good test of the fake identity, but also a good way to build trust with the credit companies thereby building credit. After making a withdrawl from one fake persons low limit card, pay it off with another fake persons low limit card. Never using more than 10% of the limit per withdraw. Eventually cards will be maxed out and payed no more than a month apart. Once credit card companies see that the fake people not only max out the cards, but they pay them promptly, the credit people will quickly bump up the limits to about triple of the original limits. I can do this as many times as needed until I end up with a bunch of Gold Cards.

Now granted, by the time the cards were Gold level, I would have to haul some serious butt to hit enough ATM’s to get the money to keep obtaining the money to pass to each card company, but It shouldn’t be unusual to the credit companies at this point to see multiple trips to multiple ATM’s over the course of multiple days. It’s just a gradual increase each time.

I figure if I get up to about a $500,000 limit on 10 cards, then I can get about $15,000 worth of cash withdraw limit from each. That would mean I would have a maximum of $150,000 in cash and $4,850,000 of charging power at my disposal. That should be plenty to cover the expenses of anything I want. As long as everyone gets their money in a timely manner nobody will expect anything. Then I can live off the difference between one cards limit and another cards limit. If I never spent more than 10% of a cards limit per month or 5% less than standard 15% interest just to be safe, then I would never have trouble. By the time the 10 cards get up to $500,000 limit, I could spend $500,000 per month. I calculate that it would take 5 years for 2 cards alternating, so 10 cards together would work for 25 years.

I can’t live a whole life like this, but I could have a much better retirement from this than from the NOTHING that I expect to get from Social Security.
The last part of the plan is the hardest. I have to grow a sack of balls big enough to actually try this.

Friday, May 4, 2007

A Social Experiment

There were alot of people on the web that said that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would treat the Don Imus situation differently if it was about a Black person making a slur about a white person. So I thought, maybe we should give them the benefit of the doubt. Has any white person ever contacted them about the reverse situation? So I sent the following e-mail to the office of Jesse Jackson.

Dear Rev. Jackson,

I have been following your Christian work for many years and I am a strong supporter of your work to end all Civil Rights violations in the World. I know you have been involved with issues around the Cincinnati area in the past that involved Cincinnati Police officers and innocent citizens. I feel it is my Christian duty and moral obligation to inform you of a personal experience I had with a Cincinnati Police officer targeting my wife on account of her skin color. In the specific incident that I am referring to, the officer harassed my wife by throwing a roll of clear packing tape at her while pointing out her ethnicity. I feel that the degradation of my wife based on her skin color would be a prime opportunity for you to revisit the Cincinnati area to address this new Civil Rights case.

Thank you for your continued efforts to end racism.


The story above is totally true. But, what I didn’t mention is the fact that not only have my wife and this officer been good friends for about 15 years, but they are the opposite color that one would presume from the above e-mail. I also didn’t mention that the officer only called her a “White Woman” and that he only had possession of a tape roll because my wife threw it at him, thereby hitting him in the head. I don’t necessarily get it, but they just laugh and have the best time when they are like that. Basically, I made the e-mail race neutral to insinuate that race should never matter.

Please notice the form letter nature of the re-written first response. I should probably give a shout out to for the free law dictionary I needed to decode these. I should also tell you that I removed names or put things into my own words to make this post less crappy.

Dear ,

We at the this organization are absolutely outraged by such abhorrent behavior of an officer of the law in Cincinnati .

(Blah, blah, blah.)

The Reverend Jesse Jackson will gladly represent your Civil Rights case before Local Police Precinct upon receipt of your official request.

(Blah, blah, blah.)

Please send a processing fee of $250.00USD to our organization along with a letter that outlines the full details of your Civil Rights violation case.

Blah, blah, blah.

(The small print included this)
Please be advised that the Plaintiff Party will be required to provide full reimbursement of all travel and lodging costs of The Reverend Jesse Jackson’s visit.

Please note the annoyed ambiance and non-form letter style of the re-written second response.

Dear Mr. ,

After reviewing your Civil Rights case, we were unsuccessful in finding any documented evidence of the incident within the court house records.

(More blah, blah, blah than you would think possible.)

The services of the "public figure in question" this organization represents are strictly for the use of everyone but you honkys.

(Blah, blah, blah that clearly moves in a very bad direction for me.)

You may never use the name of “the public figure in question” at the request through this letter. We are now going to lie and tell you that reprinting a true previously written letter by or about “the public figure in question” is against the law. Then we will tell you how many lawyers work for this organization that will definitely take your butt to court if you use our name.

And there was actually more but I preferred to delete the e-mail rather than finish reading it.

So, I guess “the public figure in question” doesn’t care about equality. He just cares about making a buck off Black People.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Demon Days

Did you know that anybody can “play” God? No, no, I don’t mean aborting babies and cloning sheep. That’s not playing God, that’s just merely playing abortion clinic doctor, and genetic scientist. I’m talking about taking on powers that are above the laws of the physical universe. I’m talking about powers that allow you to drive out demons.

Dude, what do you want me to tell you? Sometimes the truth is weird and warped.

OK, so you may find it difficult to believe, but there are demons all around us. They might be in your home, your car, even your church. There’s probably one in your computer right now even as you read this. Trust me; you just have to learn to identify them. Since they are invisible to the human eye, you actually have to look for signs of their presence. You can find them anywhere you see negative changes and activity occurring in people and things. Sometimes it’s easy to mistake stupid human behavior with demon possession, but that’s understandable since they can be similar.

Demons are everywhere, and you can drive them away.

All you have to do is verbally acknowledge that the power is from God, and then command the demons to leave.

There is however a few catches. You have to do the will of God. So you can’t drive the Demons out of a person you like and then into someone you don’t like. You have to humble yourself. So that means those evangelist on TV don’t really have the power. Your soul has to be clean of sin which means you have to ask God to cleanse it before He will bestow the power upon you. Do this immediately before using your power. We tend to dirty our souls pretty quickly, so you can’t let any time elapse in the middle. And lastly, you have to have the Holy Spirit in you in order to keep the demons out of you.

So repeat after me; “With the power of God, I command the demons to leave my computer!”

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

The Solution To Bad Drivers

I continually lament over the stupidity of mankind while driving. So therefore I have naturally developed the opinion that many of the accidents and deaths that occur on the road could easily be avoided if drivers were forced to take an IQ test in order to obtain or keep their driver’s license. So I was just wondering; what might that test look like?

1. How often should a pedestrian check the brakes on their car?

2. How many cars are permitted through an intersection when a light is turning red?

3. What is a fifth wheel used for?

4. How many sides are on a hexagonal shaped stop sign?

5. What is the maximum distance that a driver is permitted to drive on the wrong side of the road?

6. What is the slowest speed that can be measured on a tachometer?

7. How much slower must a driver’s car be than the traffic in the slow lane when they are merging onto an interstate highway?

8. What does the yellow light mean?

9. Under what circumstances is a driver permitted to turn left across an unbroken double yellow line?

10. If a driver is drunk, talking on a cell phone and driving recklessly before having a fatal accident with a telephone pole; what infraction of the law will the responding police officer cite the driver for?

Scoring System:
One point for every correct answer.

Reading the score:
10 = We regret to inform you that you will be waiting in line at the DMV for the next 5 hours to pick up your driver’s license.

9 = Congratulations, you only missed obtaining a driver’s license by one point!

8 = Buy a bus pass instead paying as you go, it’s cheaper that way.

7 = You can’t have a license, but we’ll let you pay the fee to take the test again.

6 = Pull up your drooping pants. Nobody wants see your underwear.

5 = At this IQ you are only qualified to drive in the state of Indiana.

4 = You don’t need a license. You can ride the short bus.

3 = How do you even function in society?

2 = They must not have cars in the country you are from.

1 = Good news! Your lobotomy was successful!

0 = Blame the public school system for your illiteracy.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Fun At The Mall

The mall that I shop at has a large bulk sales grocery and home goods store as one of its anchor stores. This store is the only of its type within about a 50 mile radius which means it gets a lot more customers than a normal grocery store. More customers’ means more shopping carts in the lot. As a result, the kid that retrieves the carts from the parking lot gets to use this remote controlled cart lugging thing to make life easier.

So I go to pull into a parking space near the front door and this stupid kid drives his cart lugger into my space and I end up having to go to the far end of the row to park. As I was walking toward the front door of the mall, the kid walks past me to go retrieve this one lone cart that was left out by where I had to park. At the same time I notice what appears to be a key in the back of the lugger that turns it on and off. Yep, you guessed it; I “stole” the key when he wasn’t looking. Well I didn’t really steal it. I just inconspicuously moved it to a new location behind some bushes.

Now seriously, I was just hoping to piss off the kid by making him have to go all the way back to the store to get some theoretical spare key from his angry manager, or so I thought. Yep you guessed it; they only had one key and the lugger is just a useless collection of metal and plastic without it. So what did the kid and the manager do?

They reported it to those fake cops at the mall. (Dude, you knew that was coming) And how do I know this? Because one of the mall cops actually stopped me and asked if I had seen…well…ME! Unfortunately, I am not able tell when too much is too much. So I played the role of a concerned citizen willing to help him find the guy he described as me. Surprisingly, after only about 15 minutes walking the mall beat, we found 5 other guys that he thought for sure were the culprit.
He ended suspecting me though, because I couldn’t stop laughing.

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