It Does A Booby Good

Hey Weirdos, with a show of hands, how many of you thought I would never write another e-mail to PETA? Since I can't see you, I can only assume all of you because I had vowed to never waste time with them again if they weren't gonna send any of their funny replies. However, this one was just begging to be sent. Besides, it also had a specific person to receive it, so there was high probability of a reply. This is the e-mail I sent in regards to the story about PETA asking Ben and Jerry's to use human breast milk in thier ice cream.

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Dear Tracey Reiman,

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I would like to ask 1) that you cease and desist in your recent campaign involving Ben and Jerry’s homemade Ice Cream, and 2) to thank you for bringing to our attention the actions of the Storchen restaurant concerning the proprietary practice of using human breast milk in dairy foods.

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As the owner and operator of Jugs Dairy and Topless Bar (TM), I regret to inform you that both the equipment to efficiently extract human breast milk and the process which the milk is extracted have been utilized by Jugs Dairy (TM) for the last 14 years, and therefore any company extracting milk in such fashion would be committing a theft of our intellectual property.

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Here at Jugs Dairy and Topless Bar (TM), we pride ourselves in providing fine adult entertainment while at the same time producing a niche product for many Lactation enthusiasts. We have painstakingly developed state of the art equipment for the purpose of “milking” women that is clearly the only conceivable method for doing so. We first place the breasts into notched stands known as Boob Grooves. Then our proprietary coupling device, known as The Suckler, provides the necessary “hook up” of the breast to the pump powered extraction hoses before being sent through the same homogenizing and pasteurizing processes used by today’s dairy farms. So again, I would like to thank you for your help in pointing out the perpetrators of intellectual property theft.

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Thank you for your cooperation,

Chap Buknasti

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The following is the reply, and of course I put my [smart ass comments in brackets.]

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Dear Mr. Buknasti,

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We are pleased to find out that you have similar goals as PETA however; we find your business to be very degrading and exploiting to women. [Don’t look at me. You hypocrite sickos were the ones who first suggested that people treat women like livestock. Chap Buknasti is at least bringing them up to the level of stripper. BTW-Is it anymore degrading than this?]

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We find the behavior you describe at this business to be appalling to say the least. [Do you mean appalling like going nude in public places, or appalling like covering yourself with blood and wrapping yourself in saran wrap to protest packaged meat?]

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Not only will we be unable to meet your demands, but we have our own demands for you Mr. Buknasti. [It cracks me up that she doesn’t notice that I modeled his name after the character Buck Nasty from Chappelle’s Show.] We demand that you 1) cease and desist in your treatment of women like animals. [I don’t understand. It’s OK to treat animals like people, but not OK to treat people like animals. Wouldn’t the lack of reciprocity in your philosophy be disproof of its validity?-sorry readers, sometimes my nerd thoughts slip out] 2) That you cease and desist in sending further e-mails to PETA that we may find offensive. [Good luck with that one.] We refuse to be insulted by unscrupulous people like you. [How nice of you to judge someone you don’t know. The e-mail portrays a perv, not a cheat. How would you like it if people who didn’t know you judged you as a total nut-job? Oh…nevermind.] And we wonder how you can think that by annoying people with preposterous ideas would have the slightest impact on a large organization. [You can’t be this stupid. Clearly you forgot that this began with a preposterous letter sent to Ben and Jerry’s.] So if you have anything else you want to say, please keep it to yourself. [Likewise, but since I know YOU won’t be able to keep from cramming your ideals down peoples throats, I will probably end up sending more e-mails.]

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Signed,

Tracey Reiman

[Certified Whacko]

Fun with PETA

I don't know why, but I just really felt like writing this e-mail to PETA. They didn't respond to my last e-mail asking if it was OK to use the hides of PETA members to make leather, so I don't really expect to hear back from them.

Dear PETA,

As acting commissioner of the NDFA (National Dog Fighting Association), I am displeased with your smear campaign against our organization.

The NDFA is an organization that is deeply rooted in the strong traditions that are highly regarded by many in this country. Dog fighting was first known to exist within the early protestant church as a representation of the ongoing battle between righteousness and depravity inside all mankind. Then, 200 years ago, the spectator sport of dog fighting was first introduced in this country by our forefathers Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson as a more humane substitute to the Negro fighting that was, at that time, enjoyed by many slave owners. In later years, President Abraham Lincoln praised the early form of the NDFA for reducing the abuses of slave owners, and for continuing the American spirit to fight to the end for what they believe is right. During WWII, the NDFA used it’s expertise in training animals for the service of the US army in their fight against the Nazi regime. Since then, dog fighting has become a symbol of the life, liberty and happiness that our forefathers fought so hard to secure for all freedom loving Americans.

As a spokesperson for true Americans, Veterans, faithful Christians, and Civil Rights activist everywhere; I can declare that the recent smear campaign against the NDFA is a clear indication of the hidden satanic, racist and communist motives of PETA. While you at PETA may appear to be helping animals, this is apparently just a front for your campaign against American values, Civil Rights, and the word of God that declared man’s dominion over all animals. This declaration is supported by the following report from the Journal of the American Medical Association. In a John’s Hopkins University study, it was found that people who didn’t eat sufficient amounts of animal protein would be stricken with a mild form a mental retardation that would prevent them from having a firm grasp of ephemeral concepts such as Freedom, Heaven, and God given rights.

So it is with my support from Christians, Civil Rights Activist, Veterans and the Medical community that I write this letter of condemnation to the PETA organization.

Disgustfully,

J.R. “Bob” Downs

A Social Experiment

There were alot of people on the web that said that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would treat the Don Imus situation differently if it was about a Black person making a slur about a white person. So I thought, maybe we should give them the benefit of the doubt. Has any white person ever contacted them about the reverse situation? So I sent the following e-mail to the office of Jesse Jackson.

Dear Rev. Jackson,

I have been following your Christian work for many years and I am a strong supporter of your work to end all Civil Rights violations in the World. I know you have been involved with issues around the Cincinnati area in the past that involved Cincinnati Police officers and innocent citizens. I feel it is my Christian duty and moral obligation to inform you of a personal experience I had with a Cincinnati Police officer targeting my wife on account of her skin color. In the specific incident that I am referring to, the officer harassed my wife by throwing a roll of clear packing tape at her while pointing out her ethnicity. I feel that the degradation of my wife based on her skin color would be a prime opportunity for you to revisit the Cincinnati area to address this new Civil Rights case.

Thank you for your continued efforts to end racism.

Sincerely,


The story above is totally true. But, what I didn’t mention is the fact that not only have my wife and this officer been good friends for about 15 years, but they are the opposite color that one would presume from the above e-mail. I also didn’t mention that the officer only called her a “White Woman” and that he only had possession of a tape roll because my wife threw it at him, thereby hitting him in the head. I don’t necessarily get it, but they just laugh and have the best time when they are like that. Basically, I made the e-mail race neutral to insinuate that race should never matter.

Please notice the form letter nature of the re-written first response. I should probably give a shout out to FindLaw.com for the free law dictionary I needed to decode these. I should also tell you that I removed names or put things into my own words to make this post less crappy.

Dear ,

We at the this organization are absolutely outraged by such abhorrent behavior of an officer of the law in Cincinnati .

(Blah, blah, blah.)

The Reverend Jesse Jackson will gladly represent your Civil Rights case before Local Police Precinct upon receipt of your official request.

(Blah, blah, blah.)

Please send a processing fee of $250.00USD to our organization along with a letter that outlines the full details of your Civil Rights violation case.

Blah, blah, blah.

(The small print included this)
Please be advised that the Plaintiff Party will be required to provide full reimbursement of all travel and lodging costs of The Reverend Jesse Jackson’s visit.

Please note the annoyed ambiance and non-form letter style of the re-written second response.

Dear Mr. ,

After reviewing your Civil Rights case, we were unsuccessful in finding any documented evidence of the incident within the court house records.

(More blah, blah, blah than you would think possible.)

The services of the "public figure in question" this organization represents are strictly for the use of everyone but you honkys.

(Blah, blah, blah that clearly moves in a very bad direction for me.)

You may never use the name of “the public figure in question” at the request through this letter. We are now going to lie and tell you that reprinting a true previously written letter by or about “the public figure in question” is against the law. Then we will tell you how many lawyers work for this organization that will definitely take your butt to court if you use our name.

And there was actually more but I preferred to delete the e-mail rather than finish reading it.

So, I guess “the public figure in question” doesn’t care about equality. He just cares about making a buck off Black People.

Demon Days

Did you know that anybody can “play” God? No, no, I don’t mean aborting babies and cloning sheep. That’s not playing God, that’s just merely playing abortion clinic doctor, and genetic scientist. I’m talking about taking on powers that are above the laws of the physical universe. I’m talking about powers that allow you to drive out demons.

Dude, what do you want me to tell you? Sometimes the truth is weird and warped.

OK, so you may find it difficult to believe, but there are demons all around us. They might be in your home, your car, even your church. There’s probably one in your computer right now even as you read this. Trust me; you just have to learn to identify them. Since they are invisible to the human eye, you actually have to look for signs of their presence. You can find them anywhere you see negative changes and activity occurring in people and things. Sometimes it’s easy to mistake stupid human behavior with demon possession, but that’s understandable since they can be similar.

Demons are everywhere, and you can drive them away.

All you have to do is verbally acknowledge that the power is from God, and then command the demons to leave.

There is however a few catches. You have to do the will of God. So you can’t drive the Demons out of a person you like and then into someone you don’t like. You have to humble yourself. So that means those evangelist on TV don’t really have the power. Your soul has to be clean of sin which means you have to ask God to cleanse it before He will bestow the power upon you. Do this immediately before using your power. We tend to dirty our souls pretty quickly, so you can’t let any time elapse in the middle. And lastly, you have to have the Holy Spirit in you in order to keep the demons out of you.

So repeat after me; “With the power of God, I command the demons to leave my computer!”

Greetings, My Fellow Warped Weirdos

I am weird. I know it because people have told me. It bothered me when I was young, but I've grown to embellish the uniqueness of my weird nature.

This blog will be a repository of thoughts that will house all the new writings of the messed up things from the world inside my head. It will be a record of crazy things I do, and crazy theories of all the things I observe in the "real" world.

So, to the assumed readership of this blog, be forewarned that what you are soon to see here may be disturbing.

And most importantly, "Thank you for your support."