It Does A Booby Good

Hey Weirdos, with a show of hands, how many of you thought I would never write another e-mail to PETA? Since I can't see you, I can only assume all of you because I had vowed to never waste time with them again if they weren't gonna send any of their funny replies. However, this one was just begging to be sent. Besides, it also had a specific person to receive it, so there was high probability of a reply. This is the e-mail I sent in regards to the story about PETA asking Ben and Jerry's to use human breast milk in thier ice cream.

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Dear Tracey Reiman,

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I would like to ask 1) that you cease and desist in your recent campaign involving Ben and Jerry’s homemade Ice Cream, and 2) to thank you for bringing to our attention the actions of the Storchen restaurant concerning the proprietary practice of using human breast milk in dairy foods.

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As the owner and operator of Jugs Dairy and Topless Bar (TM), I regret to inform you that both the equipment to efficiently extract human breast milk and the process which the milk is extracted have been utilized by Jugs Dairy (TM) for the last 14 years, and therefore any company extracting milk in such fashion would be committing a theft of our intellectual property.

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Here at Jugs Dairy and Topless Bar (TM), we pride ourselves in providing fine adult entertainment while at the same time producing a niche product for many Lactation enthusiasts. We have painstakingly developed state of the art equipment for the purpose of “milking” women that is clearly the only conceivable method for doing so. We first place the breasts into notched stands known as Boob Grooves. Then our proprietary coupling device, known as The Suckler, provides the necessary “hook up” of the breast to the pump powered extraction hoses before being sent through the same homogenizing and pasteurizing processes used by today’s dairy farms. So again, I would like to thank you for your help in pointing out the perpetrators of intellectual property theft.

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Thank you for your cooperation,

Chap Buknasti

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The following is the reply, and of course I put my [smart ass comments in brackets.]

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Dear Mr. Buknasti,

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We are pleased to find out that you have similar goals as PETA however; we find your business to be very degrading and exploiting to women. [Don’t look at me. You hypocrite sickos were the ones who first suggested that people treat women like livestock. Chap Buknasti is at least bringing them up to the level of stripper. BTW-Is it anymore degrading than this?]

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We find the behavior you describe at this business to be appalling to say the least. [Do you mean appalling like going nude in public places, or appalling like covering yourself with blood and wrapping yourself in saran wrap to protest packaged meat?]

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Not only will we be unable to meet your demands, but we have our own demands for you Mr. Buknasti. [It cracks me up that she doesn’t notice that I modeled his name after the character Buck Nasty from Chappelle’s Show.] We demand that you 1) cease and desist in your treatment of women like animals. [I don’t understand. It’s OK to treat animals like people, but not OK to treat people like animals. Wouldn’t the lack of reciprocity in your philosophy be disproof of its validity?-sorry readers, sometimes my nerd thoughts slip out] 2) That you cease and desist in sending further e-mails to PETA that we may find offensive. [Good luck with that one.] We refuse to be insulted by unscrupulous people like you. [How nice of you to judge someone you don’t know. The e-mail portrays a perv, not a cheat. How would you like it if people who didn’t know you judged you as a total nut-job? Oh…nevermind.] And we wonder how you can think that by annoying people with preposterous ideas would have the slightest impact on a large organization. [You can’t be this stupid. Clearly you forgot that this began with a preposterous letter sent to Ben and Jerry’s.] So if you have anything else you want to say, please keep it to yourself. [Likewise, but since I know YOU won’t be able to keep from cramming your ideals down peoples throats, I will probably end up sending more e-mails.]

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Signed,

Tracey Reiman

[Certified Whacko]