Saturday, December 27, 2008

Should I be Offended?

First I try to go to one of my favorite blogs on the internet, A Funny Thing, but get the following message; "It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog."

Then, I try to go to one of my other favorite blogs on the internet, That Slick Sumbich, but end up finding nothing more than the following message there; "There's nothing more to see, move along you heathens!"

I'm really starting to feel slighted here.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Next Year

I have been a little busy trying to track down some spyware that keeps redirecting me to different sites when I click on a link, as well as preventing Mcafee from connecting to the internet for updates. So, I haven’t really been able to post very much in the blog lately, nor have I really been inspired to write any more posts during this hectic Christmas Season. However, upon my triumphant return to the blogosphere next year, I should have some good posts for you.
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First, I hope to kick off the year with a few more episodes of Tales from the Possum Hunter for you. Because as the temperatures drop, the more frequently the possums to try to evict Sneaky Pete from his house like some home owner defaulting on his mortgage.
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It should also be interesting later in the year as I am planning to have my friend Knowstradamus drop by to share with us some insight into the future.
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I have also got some more ideas for the Funny Forums that will hopefully provide us with some funny responses from unsuspecting web surfers.
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And of course I am planning to do another beer drinking series like I did last Summer/Fall. Except this time I think it should be more organized and less lengthy. I am thinking the series could be called “Around the World in 80 Beers”.
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So, with those plans made, I bid you all farewell until 2009. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Dastardly Despicable Plans: Revisited

Since I haven't had time to really think about any new blog posts what with the stupid URL changer that infected my computer the last few weeks and all, I have decided to at least post something from the past that could be relavent today. The stupidity of banks and mortgage companies today reminds of this blog post from the early days of the Weird Warped World about the stupidity of credit card companies.
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The Bart Simpson Credit Card Scam
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I was reminded yesterday of this old telephone number I had that was frequently used by a credit card scammer on some false credit card applications. The guy was also somewhat of comedian because the names were almost as funny as the name Santos L. Halper on Bart Simpson’s card. Usually he used the same double letters in the first and last names when fabricating them. So I would get these phone calls from collections agency’s asking for Gabby Gabbard. Dude, you have got to be kidding me. You mean to tell me that Discover, CitiBank, or some other credit card company actually took this name seriously. The guy absconded with a couple of thousand dollars from each of about three different credit card companies. I estimated he got about $8000 and authorities are still probably trying to find him because they were clueless about the number not being connected to an address in (notice the double letters) Kipssissle, Mississippi.
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So I got to thinking, if credit card companies really are this stupid, then why am I still slaving away at a 9 to 5 job like the rest of the working class?
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The first part of the scam would be easy. I get credit card applications in the mail all the time. All I got to do is make up several fake identities with names that are at least as believable as Gabby Gabbard, and make sure they are not actual names so there’s no actual person to cause the situation to be mistaken for identity theft which would tip off the credit people. It doesn’t matter if nobody has heard of these people. There are lots of smaller credit card companies, like Discover and Citibank, which give out cards to people with no credit history all the time.
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The second part of the scam would not only be a good test of the fake identity, but also a good way to build trust with the credit companies thereby building credit. After Maxing out one fake persons low limit card, pay it off with another fake persons low limit card. Once credit card companies see that the fake people not only max out the cards, but they pay them promptly, the credit people will quickly bump up the limits to about triple of the original limits. I can do this as many times as needed until I end up with a bunch of Gold Cards.
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Now granted, by the time the cards were Gold level, I would have to haul some serious butt to hit enough ATM’s to get the money to keep obtaining the money to pass to each card company, but It shouldn’t be unusual to the credit companies at this point to see multiple trips to multiple ATM’s over the course of multiple days. It’s just a gradual increase each time.
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I figure if I get up to about a $500,000 limit on 10 cards, then I can get about $15,000 worth of cash withdraw limit from each. That would mean I would have a maximum of $150,000 in cash and $4,850,000 of charging power at my disposal. That should be plenty to cover the expenses of anything I want. As long as everyone gets their money in a timely manner nobody will expect anything. Then I can live off the difference between one cards limit and another cards limit. If I never spent more than 10% of a cards limit per month or 5% less than standard 15% interest just to be safe, then I would never have trouble. By the time the cards get up to $500,000 limit, I could spend $50,000 per month. I calculate that it would take 5 years for 2 cards alternating, so 10 cards together would work for 25 years.
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I can’t live a whole life like this, but I could have a much better retirement from this than from the NOTHING that I expect to get from Social Security.
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The last part of the plan is the hardest. I have to grow a sack of balls big enough to actually try this.
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Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Weird Warped Financial Crisis


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I thought that the auto industries request for government money was the worst case scenario for this bailout. Then, I read an article today about an Ohio school district that is also asking for a slice of the $700 Billion dollar government bailout pie. Theoretically, if one school district gets assistance, then they all would. Considering how many short budgeted school districts there are in this country, this could really turn out bad. Apparently the situation is only going to get worse. And unfortunately that “worse situation” includes me.
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That’s right folks; the financial crisis has hit the Weird Warped World blog pretty hard. The prognosis is far worse than that of the big 3 auto makers. Whereas the auto makers claim that they will be bankrupt by the end of the year, Andy’s Weird Warped World is already, financially speaking, “tapped out”. At this point, I don’t know any other way to save it than to ask for $10 Billion dollars of the bailout money. If action isn’t taken soon, there could be a total collapse of all operations here at the Weird Warped World blog.
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Sure, you might argue that I have made some bad financial decisions like NOT displaying any products I could possibly sell, but that doesn’t mean I should automatically be disqualified. As I see it, the very fact that my blog has nothing that people want to buy would make it no different than the big 3 auto makers.
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So here is my bailout plan for 2009.
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First, I will opt to drive my 1992 Ford Ranger to Washington DC instead of flying in a corporate jet. Mainly because I don’t have a corporate jet, but seriously, those Congressional leaders don’t need to know that.
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Second, I will offer to continue producing the blog for a 2009 annual salary of just $1 while at the same time canceling all CEO raises, and bonuses.
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Third, I will renegotiate contracts with all labor unions which include the LJWG (Lame Joke Writers Guild), the BIGA (Bad Idea Generators of America) Local 1, the UBA (United Blog workers of America) Local 1, and the IBT (What can I say? Those Teamsters got their hands in just about every industry.).
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Lastly, I will ensure Congress that the government will have a secure majority share in Andy’s Weird Warped World.
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With that $10 Billion dollars, I am sure that I will be able to revitalize this blog and make a profit of at least $10 Billion dollars in 2009. In the mean time, you can help make it popular as well by voting for it at Humor-Blogs.com and Humorbloggers.com.
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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Backwards Bush Update

On December 1st there were exactly 50 days till the retard that lives in the White House has to leave.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

It Does A Booby Good

Hey Weirdos, with a show of hands, how many of you thought I would never write another e-mail to PETA? Since I can't see you, I can only assume all of you because I had vowed to never waste time with them again if they weren't gonna send any of their funny replies. However, this one was just begging to be sent. Besides, it also had a specific person to receive it, so there was high probability of a reply. This is the e-mail I sent in regards to the story about PETA asking Ben and Jerry's to use human breast milk in thier ice cream.
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Dear Tracey Reiman,
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I would like to ask 1) that you cease and desist in your recent campaign involving Ben and Jerry’s homemade Ice Cream, and 2) to thank you for bringing to our attention the actions of the Storchen restaurant concerning the proprietary practice of using human breast milk in dairy foods.
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As the owner and operator of Jugs Dairy and Topless Bar (TM), I regret to inform you that both the equipment to efficiently extract human breast milk and the process which the milk is extracted have been utilized by Jugs Dairy (TM) for the last 14 years, and therefore any company extracting milk in such fashion would be committing a theft of our intellectual property.
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Here at Jugs Dairy and Topless Bar (TM), we pride ourselves in providing fine adult entertainment while at the same time producing a niche product for many Lactation enthusiasts. We have painstakingly developed state of the art equipment for the purpose of “milking” women that is clearly the only conceivable method for doing so. We first place the breasts into notched stands known as Boob Grooves. Then our proprietary coupling device, known as The Suckler, provides the necessary “hook up” of the breast to the pump powered extraction hoses before being sent through the same homogenizing and pasteurizing processes used by today’s dairy farms. So again, I would like to thank you for your help in pointing out the perpetrators of intellectual property theft.
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Thank you for your cooperation,
Chap Buknasti
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The following is the reply, and of course I put my [smart ass comments in brackets.]
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Dear Mr. Buknasti,
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We are pleased to find out that you have similar goals as PETA however; we find your business to be very degrading and exploiting to women. [Don’t look at me. You hypocrite sickos were the ones who first suggested that people treat women like livestock. Chap Buknasti is at least bringing them up to the level of stripper. BTW-Is it anymore degrading than this?]

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We find the behavior you describe at this business to be appalling to say the least. [Do you mean appalling like going nude in public places, or appalling like covering yourself with blood and wrapping yourself in saran wrap to protest packaged meat?]

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Not only will we be unable to meet your demands, but we have our own demands for you Mr. Buknasti. [It cracks me up that she doesn’t notice that I modeled his name after the character Buck Nasty from Chappelle’s Show.] We demand that you 1) cease and desist in your treatment of women like animals. [I don’t understand. It’s OK to treat animals like people, but not OK to treat people like animals. Wouldn’t the lack of reciprocity in your philosophy be disproof of its validity?-sorry readers, sometimes my nerd thoughts slip out] 2) That you cease and desist in sending further e-mails to PETA that we may find offensive. [Good luck with that one.] We refuse to be insulted by unscrupulous people like you. [How nice of you to judge someone you don’t know. The e-mail portrays a perv, not a cheat. How would you like it if people who didn’t know you judged you as a total nut-job? Oh…nevermind.] And we wonder how you can think that by annoying people with preposterous ideas would have the slightest impact on a large organization. [You can’t be this stupid. Clearly you forgot that this began with a preposterous letter sent to Ben and Jerry’s.] So if you have anything else you want to say, please keep it to yourself. [Likewise, but since I know YOU won’t be able to keep from cramming your ideals down peoples throats, I will probably end up sending more e-mails.]
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Signed,
Tracey Reiman
[Certified Whacko]

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

An Exercise In Futility

At first I couldn’t believe I was just gonna keep the blog right where it’s at. (Hey Diesel, is it OK to begin AND end a sentence in a preposition?) But then I remembered why I came to blogger in the first place. Even though it’s pretty crappy, it’s still the least crappy free blogging site on the web.
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So the last couple weeks were just a futile attempt to get something better than I already got. You would think this would bother me, but it doesn’t because I know that people do things that are much more futile. You know, like teaching kids discipline with “Time Out” or preaching deliverance through that Jehovah’s Witness’ cult, but I digress.
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So, I’m just gonna play things cool like nothing ever happened, and resume posting blog entries here.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Bridge To Nowhere

Well OK, this "bridge" doesn't go nowhere, but it will seem that way until I get back into the swing of things and throw down a few more blog entries.
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Cross that bridge
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Saturday, November 8, 2008

I don't know why...

But, for some reason it seemed like a good idea to change the entire look, name, and theme of this blog. So, I deiced to return it to a relatively close approximation of it's former glory.

Now that this is back in order, I can leave it and go find a site that unlike Blogger will support mobile blogging via a BlackBerry because it kind-of sucks trying to do a Mobile blog on one that is not meant to be.

Watch this space for updates on the new site. I should probably have the new mobile blog up and running by the end of the weekend.

Thanks for hanging in there folks. (assuming any of you are still there)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

All conditioned things are impermanent. Work out your own salvation with diligence - The Buddha's last words.

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I've got this problem. It appears that without the props of the full sized multimedia blog that I am unable to think of anything funny. Yep, apparently I'm the Carrot Top of the blog world.
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I am, of course, going to have to fix this because I am definitely not the type of person who can write one of those blogs that is just an outlet for complaining.
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My first option is to loosen up a little on the media restrictions I have placed on this blog. My second option is to change the theme again because apparently the deep Zen thoughts are not conducive to the humor I aspire to write.
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So hang on kids. Things are about to change again.
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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The end is just the beginning.

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After today,11/5/08, there will be 75 days left before the worst president in US history* leaves the white house. The beginning of that end doesn't seem to be getting here quick enough.
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*-Some may argue that James Buchanan was the worst, but clearly Bush is because he has not only screwed up the country, but also much of the world.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Even if you refuse to choose, you still have made a choice

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The important thing to remember about any election is that no matter what the politician says, they are just lying. So even if your candidate doesn't win, it really doesn't matter. I mean its not like the other side will get what they were promised either.
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So, I know what you're thinking. Why even bother voting?
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Simple. So we don't end up with some goof ball like Ralph Nader as president.
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So you're probably wondering that if both viable candidates are liars anyway, then what's the difference who I vote for.
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And the answer is, you want to vote for a vice presidential wang. That's right. The most pressing issue today is clearly the united states vice president's diplomatic relations with Iran since fixing: the economy, health care system, social security system, tax reform, national debt, and trade deficit will be a waste of time if Iran just ends up annihilating us with a nuclear attack.
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So what does Joe Biden's wang have to with this? Simple. Condeleza Rice has already proven that a womens efforts over there are absolutely futile since the towel heads still consider women to be more like property than like people. Which means that if we expect McCain's MILF to talk the Iranians out nukeing us, then it will definitely end up bad for everyone. So in other words, Joe Biden's wang can save the world from a nuclear holocaust. I bet it can also pronounce the word nuclear better than the retard that lives in the White House.
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So therefore, let me make this last minute campaign stump before todays voting. Vote Joe Biden's wang for vice president. Unfortunately the anti-christ has to be voted in as president at the same time. But at least this way we can enter into the end times as a country that doesn't glow in the dark. Well, my thumbs are starting to hurt so I better stop this.
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Your sensei has spoken.
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Friday, October 31, 2008

The World is full of lights and mysteries; man shuts them out with a small hand.

It was a dark night like this one when the young rebel waited on his motorcycle down the road from the young lady’s home. Because her parents forbid her to see him, she had to sneak downstairs after they went to bed to meet him at her driveway. She signaled for him to come by flashing the porch light three times. As he sped down the old country road, he lost sight of the sharp turn only to run off the road and ultimately became decapitated. Legend has it that you can drive out to a point on old Oxford-Milford Road today, and see a mysterious light come toward you after flashing your headlights three times. Some say it’s just a reflection from car headlights on a newer road, but many believe that it’s the Ghost Rider (The real one, not that flaming movie character) riding down that same path. Well, I better stop this before my thumbs get too sore to hand out Halloween candy.
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You sensei has spoken.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

The Reverse Side Also Has A Reverse Side.

I got to thinking about this upcoming election, and it occurred to me that a lot of people are going to vote for this Obama guy even though he isn’t really that great of a choice. Think about it, the guy has less leadership experience than your average 3rd grade class president, and he’s been rather wishy-washy in his attempts to fit in with everyone. Heck, the guy can’t even decide what color he is. Seriously, I’m pretty sure there are a lot of people who, like me, are going to vote for him for no other reason except that Republican leaders have been physically incapable of removing their collective head from their collective butt for the last four years. But unfortunately, even with the help of Republican leaders, he will probably not be the next president since the KKK or Neo-Nazi’s will likely plug him before he even gets sworn in. I really gotta stop this; my thumbs are starting to hurt.
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Your Sensei has spoken.
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Monday, October 27, 2008

Downsizing

About half way through the beer odyssey "The Man" (company IT department) decided that employees shouldn't have access to blogs. So therefore, I was no longer able to throw quick blogs in my free time at work. As a result, I ended up doing a lot of the posts with my blackberry. So, I've decided to continue doing this blog as a mobile blog.
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What does this mean for readers?
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It means I'm going to simplify the page layout because it takes way too much time to load in it's current form. Goodbye large banner. Goodbye sidebar. And of course, goodbye unnecessary images.
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Since everything else is changing I figure I should also change the name of this blog. I am kicking around some ideas for a name, and I am pretty sure it will reference the sore thumbs I get from all this texting of posts.
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So, the next time you hear from me, this will be a new blog.
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Weird Warped Andy signing off.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Spectacular 100th Beer Grand Finale - Part 3 of 3

[Later in the night]
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Wow, so I guess that’s it for the Beer Odyssey. Even though there were 3000 readers at last check who may read this at the very moment it’s posted, it just feels so lonely. I’m sad that it’s over.
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So, have you wondered what became of all the empty bottles? Check this out!

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Do you know that Green Day song, “Time of Your Life”? Well, it has been going through my head all day long; so many times in fact that I was able to rewrite the lyrics.
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Time of Your Life (The Beer Odyssey Mix)
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Another turning point;
a fork stuck in the road.
The odyssey is done;
there’s nowhere else to go.
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So make the best of bad taste
and don’t ask why.
It’s not a problem,
you just add a slice of lime.
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It’s just been so incredible
to gain this beer insight.
I hope you had the time of your life.
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So take the beer mug,
and the bottles left behind
Place them on a shelf
to display over time
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Tap brews and breweries
and friends in the beer aisle
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
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It’s just been so incredible
to gain this beer insight.
I hope you had the time of your life.
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(music break)
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It’s just been so incredible
to gain this beer insight.
I hope you had the time of your life.
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Well Beer Heads, I guess this is it. The only thing left to do is to raise a toast.
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To Iron Chef the one who’s taken up with all of my crap during this journey through beerdom. As well as, to Icehouse, Grand Tetons, Danapalooza, The Professor, Sam Adams, Monka, and all the rest of the B.R.E.W. (Beer Reviewing Enthusiats of the World) crew out there who kept the odyssey from being a lonely trip.
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May the road rise to meet you.
May the wind be always at your back.
May the sun shine warm upon your face.
May the rains fall soft upon your fields.
And until we meet again,
May God hold you in the hollow of His hand.
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CHEERS!

Spectacular 100th Beer Grand Finale - Part 2 of 3

[After nightfall]

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Day 100 – Rock Bottom
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Today Beer Heads we are drinking The Rock Bottom’s specially crafted Crosley Field Pale Ale. Named of course after the Reds former home Crosley Field. This is a great beer. They say it's malty, but I don't really taste it, but maybe, I have had to much too drink. Nah!
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We've also decided to try some of their other varieties.
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Cincinnati American Light: It's light, crisp, and very cold. Iron chef likes this one alot.
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White Tiger Wheat: It's got some mild cloves. Iron Chef says it's very orange-y with maybe some bananas.
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Maibock: Wow! It's very pleasant. Iron Chef says she detects some fruity essence to it, almost like a mead wine. She says that if only this weren't a seasonal, she would make this her new favorite.
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Pumpkin Ale: Iron Chef says it's very pleasing. It's all about the pumpkin flavor and less about the spice like most pumpkin brews.
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Tall Stacks Ale: We were thinking this was an amber, but it turns out that it's more of a "light" dark beer.
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The Rock Bottom also has a rotating dark beer ale. Tonight, Iron Chef's curiosity proved to be a good thing. Our server. Michael, sensing that she needed a warmer for the road, has brought her a small sample of the current dark. It just happens to Dry Irish Stout. Have I told you that she loves everything Irish? Now she'll definitely be singing the praises of Rock Bottom Brewery. She says it was very, very good. She can taste the dark chocolate notes in it.
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And these recognizable home town favorites are great to drink after coming back from a fictitious trip around the world where you've logged in reviews about all kinds of different beers. Which reminds me, I’ve gotta add this last one to the big list I’ve been keeping of all the beers I’ve drank on my Beer Odyssey. Here we go, “Number 100”, “Rock Bottom”. “And I think I will rate it an 8”.

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The Big Beer List

1 Koningshoeven (Belgium) 8

2 Hoegaarden (Belgium) 8

3 Trappistes Rochefort (Belgium) 9

4 Stella Artois (Belgium) 2

5 Kasteel Rouge (Belgium) 8

6 Sterkens Dubbel (Belgium) 7

7 Amstel Light (Holland) 5

8 Grolsch (Holland) 4

9 Carlsberg Elephant(Denmark) 1

10 Franziskaner Weissbier (Germany) 8

11 Hofbrau (Germany) 9.5

12 Auecht Schlenkerla Ur Bock (Germany) 2

13 Hacker Pschorr (Germany) 7

14 Ayinger (Germany) 6.5

15 Lowenbrau (Germany) 2

16 Warsteiner (Germany) 8

17 St. Pauli Girl (Germany) 8

18 Beck's (Germany) 4

19 Paulaner Salvator (Germany) 7

20 Spaten Optimator (Germany) 7

21 Bitburger (Germany) 5

22 Krusovice (Czech Republic) 3.5

23 Okocim (Poland) 4

24 Kalnapilis (Lithuania) 5

25 Magnat (Ukraine) 7

26 Baltika (Russia) 6

27 Red East (Russia) 4

28 Tsingtao (China) 5

29 Asahi (Japan) 8

30 Kirin Ichiban (Japan) n/a

31 "33" Export (Vietnam) 5

32 Singha (Thailand) 4

33 Tiger (Singapore Malaysia) 4

34 Steinlager (New Zealand) 0

35 James Boags (Tasmania) n/a

36 Coopers Wattle Seed (Australia) 4

37 Fosters (Australia) 6

38 Baron's Black Wattle Seed (Australia) n/a

39 Tusker (Kenya) 4

40 Maharaja (India) 5

41 Marathon (Greece) 7

42 Moretti (Italy) 6

43 Pietra (Corsica) 5

44 Kronenbourg (France) 5

45 Old Engine Oil (England) n/a

46 Whitbread (England) n/a

47 Samuel Smith's (England) n/a

48 Monty Pythons Holy (Gr)ail (England) n/a

49 Fuller's London Pride (England) 9

50 The Hoppy Otter (England) 7

51 Wychcraft (England) 7

52 Melbourn Brothers (England) 6

53 Manchester Star (England) 7

54 Young's (England) 6

55 Old Peculiar (England) n/a

56 St. Peter's Golden (England) 9

57 Old Speckled Hen (England) 7

58 Skull Splitter (Scotland) 7

59 Traquair Jacobite (Scotland) 7

60 Tennents (Scotland) 4

61 Beamish (Ireland) 6

62 Guinness Extra Stout (Ireland) 7

63 Guinness (Ireland) 9

64 Harp Lager (Ireland) 5

65 Smithwicks (Ireland) 6

66 Murphy's (Ireland) 7

67 O'Hara's (Ireland) 7

68 Quilmes (Argentina) 5

69 Dos Equis Ambar (Mexico) 7

70 Carta Blanca (Mexico) 6

71 Negra Modelo (Mexico) 8

72 Tecate (Mexico) 4

73 Pacifico (Mexico) 1

74 Red Stripe (Jamaica) 4

75 Carib (Caribbean) 3

76 Moosehead (Canada) 5

77 Molson (Canada) 6

78 Labatt (Canada) n/a

79 Bell's (Michigan) 4

80 Goose Island (Illinois) 7

81 Sprecher (Sprecher) 7

82 Shock Top (Missouri) 8

83 Pyramid (Washington) 7

84 Rogue (Oregon) 5

85 Anchor Steam Beer (California) N/A

86 Hebrew (California) 7

87 Breckenridge Agave Wheat (Colorado) 3

88 Flying Dog (Doggy Style) (Colorado) 7

89 Tommyknocker Butt Head (Idaho) 7

90 Shiner Bock (Texas) 4

91 Dixie (Lousiana) 8

92 Mississippi Mud (Mississippi) 2

93 Horse Piss Beer (Kentucky) 3

94 Dogfish Head 90 Min. IPA (Delaware) N/A

95 Pete's Wicked Straw. Blonde (NY) 5

96 Samuel Adams (Massachusetts) 10

97 Merry Monks (Pennsylvania) 9.5

98 Old Leghumper (Akron, Ohio) 7

99 Great Lakes Ed. Fitz. (Cleveland, Ohio) 5

100 Rock Bottom (Cincinnati, Ohio) 8

Spectacular 100th Beer Grand Finale - Part 1 of 3

[The Evening Begins]
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Look out Beer Heads! Were coming at you *LIVE* from the Rock Bottom Brewery in Downtown Cincinnati, Ohio. The party is just now getting into full swing, so come on in and have a seat at the table. There’s room for everybody.
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This is a great place. Just take a look around. They brew the beer over there in those big tanks.
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And then they serve the beer up over here at the bar just a couple of feet away. Let me tell you, the beer doesn’t get any fresher than that.
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I hope you don't mind, I took the liberty of ordering us some soft pretzels with cheese because they just go great with beer.
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Wow, I can’t believe I’ve finally made it home from the beer odyssey. It really has been a fun and interesting journey as you can see from the map that tracked my progress.
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100 Beers in 100 Days - 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall

Day 99 – Great Lakes Edmund Fitzgerald
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Today Beer Heads we are in Cleveland, Ohio drinking a beer that has a legend that lives on, from the Chippewa on down, from that big lake they call Gitche-gumme. I’m not quite sure if this beer is the pride of the American side, but I do know that it didn’t come from some mill in Wisconsin. It’s a rather heavy beer, in much the same way that a freighter would be when leaving fully loaded for Cleveland. This beer is smoke-y and musty like an old hall in Detroit they call the maritime sailors cathedral. Unfortunately, the beer starts out as shipwreck by having a smell similar to burnt coffee. Then it splits up and capsizes with a heavy texture and a flavor that is overly smoke-y.
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With all that said, I have to admit that it’s really not too bad of a beer. Even though it wasn't as smoke-y as that German stuff that I said was as drinkable as ketchup, this beer is still a bit too smoke-y for me. I will rate it a 5 on the beer scale.
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Cheers!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - Flyin' High

Day 98 – Old Leghumper
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Today’s beer is from Akron Ohio which ironically is the city where Alcoholics Anonymous originated. But not so surprising when you learn that Akron is also the birthplace of the Menches brothers who invented the Hamburger, and the city where American professional football was conceived. Oh yeah! Beer, burgers and football, God bless America. But, most importantly, Akron is known for The Goodyear Blimp.
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I gotta say, I am pleasantly surprised by Old Leghumper. The joke sounding name makes me want to put it into the same category as Horse Piss Beer, but in actuality this is a pretty decent porter. It's sweet. It's got all the usual porter flavors. And it's pretty smooth and drinkable. I think I will rate this a 7 on the beer scale.
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Cheers!

Got A Great Joke To Tell You

There's a big conference of beer producers. At the end of the day, the presidents of all the beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar.
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The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller'orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on. Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!
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"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.
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"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - A Look Back

Day 97 – Weyerbacher’s Merry Monks Tripple Ale
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As we see the end of the Beer Odyssey drawing to a close, I decided to get a beer that would reflect the very beginning of my odyssey. Allow me to summarize day one for those of you (all, but 8) that weren’t there. I didn’t know where to start my odyssey due to the fact that the world of beer is so dizzying in size. So, I took a hint from The Stinker, who recommended this stuff I had never heard of called trappist ale. So, I got this beer called Koningshoeven Quadruple Trappist Ale, and I was definitely not disappointed, well at least not after I got past the beer mysteriously fizzing over the mouth of the bottle. I didn’t rate the beers until about day 5 or so, so this one was never rated. If I could do that post over again, I would rate it a 10 on the beer scale.
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Anyways, today’s beer isn’t from Trappist Monks in a monastery on some mountain in Belgium, but from brew masters in a relatively new brewery in Easton Pennsylvania. Nonetheless, Merry Monks is by all rights a Trappists Ale. It has the nice rich color, and the fruit-y smells of a Trappist, and it has a tastey sweet flavor while at the same time being dry and not heavy, which makes it very drinkable. Merry Monks is so close to the authentic Belgian made Trappist Ale that it’s better than a 9, but not quite as good as the 10 rate quality of Koningshoeven, so I will rate this a 9.5 on the beer scale.
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So now go drink some Merry Monks with all of your Humor Blogging Friends.

Monday, October 20, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - The Greatest Beer in the Whole World

Day 96 – Sam Adams Oktoberfest
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Hey Beer Heads, let me tell you the story of how Sam Adams Oktoberfest Beer came to be brewed in America. Some years ago my grandfather, Johann von Arpeggiohausen, asked me to take his cremated ashes to Munich where the original Oktoberfest is held every year. Since it was his last request, I couldn’t refuse, so I packed up and took a trip to Munich Germany. After arriving in Munich and meeting up with the man who would tell me where to place the urn, he takes me to this secret underground bunker where the ashes of many generations of Arpeggiohausens are kept. When we get to the bunker, I discover that; at this time every year there is a beer drinking contest held between representatives of different countries, but as it turns out, none of those countries is the United States. So, I decided to come back the following year with my own team to compete at this competition. And that’s just what I did. At this Beerfest, we met up with a rival team that wagered what turned out be my families yet undistributed secret beer recipe. After a grueling contest of drinking games, team USA came back from behind to win the competition, and my families long lost secret beer recipe, which I brought back with me to have brewed up by the best brewery I knew of. And that, Beer Heads is the beer we are drinking today: “The Greatest Beer In All The World” Sam Adams Oktoberfest.
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This beer is so good that Sam Adams Brewery is physically incapable of keeping up with the demand, that they have to work 9 months out of the year to satisfy the demands of it’s drinkers for only 3 months. This Beer is everything a beer should be, and nothing that it shouldn’t be. I will rate it a 10 on the beer scale.
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Cheers!

100 Beers in 100 Days - Day 95

Day 95 - Pete's Wicked Strawberry Blonde
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Announcer: "Leave It To Beaver [Theme music starts] Starring Hugh Beaumont...June Lockhart...Tony Dowel...and Arpeggio Andy as...The Beaver."
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Beaver: "Hey Wally, look what I got. It's a bottle of Pete's Wicked Strawberry Blonde.
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Wally: "Aw gee Beav, you shouldn't be drinking that. Don't you know that's beer. Kids shouldn't drink beer."
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Beaver: "But gosh Wally, it's got a yummy strawberry soda flavor, and a real neat-o fizz. Why would sombody make something that would only appeal to kids if kids weren't suppossed to drink it. Next thing you're gonna tell me is, I shouldn't be smoking marijuanna with these cherry flavored rolling papers." [Pre-recorded laugh track]
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Wally: "Well gee Beav, I guess you're right. Let me try a swig of that...and then a hit of that. Hey, those taste real good together, just like a fruity flavored gangsta rapper starter kit."
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Beaver: "Yeah, now we're rollin' wit a forty and some chronic."
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Wally: "Word."
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Beaver: "Straight up B-otches. I think I will rate this a 5 on the beer scale."
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Cheers!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - Where Are We Again?

Day 94 - Dogfish Head 90 Minute Imperial IPA
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Today Beer Heads we are in Delaware. You know the state. The little one on the east coast that many non-Delawareans can't point out on a map. But despite that, we were able to make our way here to drink Dogfish head beer. I like it, it's real hoppy, and got a pretty good flavor. Iron Chef said it smelled good, and had in interesting flavor. I will rate this an 8 on the beer scale. But don't take our word for it, Meg at Prefers Her Fantasy Life is the real expert.
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Cheers!

Friday, October 17, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - A Horse Is A Horse, Of Course, Of Course

Day 93 – Horse Piss
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Welcome Beer Heads to the 93rd running of “The Beer Odyssey Stakes”. [Trumpet sounds to call the thoroughbreds to the starting line] Today’s beer is Horse Piss Beer from Louisville’s Bluegrass Brewery.
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[The announcer is heard over the loud speaker]
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“Here we are race fans for the most exciting 2 minutes in sports, as well as the most exciting 2 minutes in beer drinking. Everyone please turn your attention to the starting line as the horses are loaded into the gate…and now the last horse is in…the starter raises his pistol. [Bang] And they’re off!
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Wow, it’s an early lead for ‘Golden Color’, with 'Light White Foam’ coming up along side in plain view as they head down the front stretch. And now as they pass the quarter pole, ‘Hay Bail Scent’ makes a strong charge to the front to lead by a nose with ‘Musty Smell’ right behind him. And down at the bottom of the field ‘Light Carbonation’ begins to rise to the top positions. Look out there’s ‘Cold and Wet’ making a strong charge to the front, but is unable to freeze his position as he slips behind ‘Grain-y Flavor’ followed by ‘Citrus Taste’ for the lead as they pass the half pole. But not for long, here comes ‘Watered Down’ on the outside to push for the lead. But wait, now there’s ‘Low Drinkability’ coming up on the inside to challenge ‘Grain-y Flavor’ for the lead. And now it’s a three way race as they reach the three quarter pole, with ‘Watered Down’, ‘Grain-y Flavor’, and ‘Low Drinkability’ running neck and neck as they make the last turn to come down the final stretch. All three are jockeying for position. Looks like it will be a close race to the finish. Uh-oh, ‘Low Drinkability’ on the inside just bumped ‘Grain-y Flavor’ in the middle, as ‘Watered Down’ draws back by half a horse length on that outside line. It’s going to be a photo finish as ‘Low Drinkabilty’ and ‘Grain-y Flavor’ are neck and neck. ‘Low Drinkability’, 'Grainy Flavor’, ‘Low Drinkability’, 'Grainy Flavor’, ‘Low Drinkability’, BUT NO, 'BAD AFTER TASTE' JUMPS UP AT THE FINISH TO WIN BY A NOSE! AND ‘BAD AFTER TASTE' WINS THE 93RD RUNNING OF “THE BEER ODYSSEY STAKES”. Let’s go down to the winners circle now for the beer review.”
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What can I tell you Beer Heads? The name represents the beer pretty accurately. I think I will rate this a 3 on the beer scale.
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Cheers!

Thursday, October 16, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - Getting Back To My Hillbilly Roots

Day 92 - Mississippi Mud
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Well Beer Heads, we are officially in "the deep south". That means we gotta kick off our shoes, and pick up the obligatory banjo before crossing over the Mississippi state line. Yee-haw! Today we are drinking some Mississippi Mud beer out of a cool little Snuffy Smith moonshine jug looking bottle. I gotta say, I thought this would be much thicker for something referred to as "mud". It's thin and watery. The taste is not too bad, but unfortunately not very good either. It's got that metallic flavor thing going on that seems to ruin perfectly good beer. I wouldn't have trouble with 12 ounces of this stuff, but since there is a whole quart of this stuff, I will probably be flushing some of it. So I guess it isn't really a 1, but maybe a 2 on the beer scale.
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Cheers!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - The Big Easy

Day 91 - Dixie Beer
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Today Beer Heads I figured since we are drinking Dixie Beer from “Nawlins”, that I would teach you how to cook up a tasty little Ca-jon dish that Iron Chef taught me how to make so-ins I can make dinner some nights too. It’s called Easy Soup Gumbo, and I gar-on-tee you’ll like it. Before we get started I have to confess that I’m not a full fledged Ca-jon, I only half bleed Ca-jon, so this recipe won’t seem as authentic as something from that Emeril guy. But enough about dat, let’s get cookin’.

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First, you take 2 cans-o-Progresso Chicken and Rice soup, 1 can-o-broth, and 1 can-o-water, and you throw dat in da pot like so.
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After dat, you take a packet-o-Old El Paso taco seasoning, and stir dat into da soup real good. Ooh-wee dats some spi-cey stuff. I can really smell da chili powder in dat packet.
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Then, you crank up da heat until da pot starts to boil.
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When da pot is a boilin’, you turn down da heat ans give it a real good stir so-ins it don’t burn to da bottom of da pot. Ooh, I can smell dat soup and seasoning. Dats real nice.
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Now you gotta open a bag of boil-in-bag style-o-rice and pour dat into da pot.
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This is also a good time to put in da meat part of da gumbo. I like to put in some slices of Kielbasa sausage.
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Then let da whole thing just simmer for about a half hour or so.
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You know it’s done when it’s a nice thick, moist con-sistency. Serve it up in a bowl nice an hot. Ooh-wee, dats good. You gon-love it! I gar-on-tee
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You know what would go good with this Easy Soup Gumbo? Some Dixie Beer, that's what. Dixie is a real good beer, and I'm not just a whistlin' Dixie either. Iron Chef said it had a clean smell, a crisp taste and was generally pleasant. She described it as a "spiked wheat tea". The only complaint she could possibly make is that it's taste was rather plain. This smooth easy drinking beer from 'the big easy' is easily an 8 on the beer scale.
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Cheers!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - Day 90

Day 90 – Shiner Bock
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Do you know what was wrong with those Branch Davidians from Waco? They were located in the wrong part of Texas. See, if only they had come a few miles south to Shiner, they could have holed up in the local brewery, and then passed off their cult as the worlds longest running private Oktoberfest, and no one would have thought twice about it. Seriously, if you lock yourself in a compound with Bibles and guns, people think you’re insane. But, if you lock yourself inside a compound with beer, then people just think you’re a fraternity. Because quite frankly, the crazy rants, exclusivity, and sexual imprudence could be expected from either group. And beer is one of the key elements that set them apart. So I propose that in 10 days when the beer odyssey is unfortunately over, that all of us Beer Heads relocate to Shiner Texas and start our own cult. We can call ourselves "The Fundamentalist Trappist Church" and focus our beliefs on just the beer making part of the Trappist Monk practices. So, who’s with me!?!
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In the mean time let's enjoy this Shiner Bock. It's not much of a beer, but it will do for today. The flavor and smell are odd. I can't figure them out. Iron Chef said the smell was musty, and that it didn't go good with the hot sauce she just ate. I think I will rate this a 4 on the beer scale.
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Cheers!

Monday, October 13, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - Knock, Knock

Sorry it took me so long to get this posted today. I had to first wrestle my keyboard away from a midget it miner's gear before I could get started.

Day 89 - Tommyknocker Butt Head Beer


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Today beer heads we are deep inside a mine shaft underneath Idaho Springs Colorado drinking Tommyknocker beer. And let me tell you, there's nothing like holding a couple of "Knockers" when your shaft is deep...uh...er, you know what I mean. Well, at any rate, we better make sure to drink it fast before the Tommylnockers steal them while we're not looking.
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Tommyknocker is a real good Dopplebock. It's got a nice carmel-y aroma and smooth taste. Grand Tetons said it was OK, but it would probably be great with food (probably because her family hasn't eaten dinner yet). Iron Chef said she like the toasty flavor, and thought it had a peanut shell aroma, kind of like the floor of a steak house (I think she meant that as a compliment). This is a solid 7 on the beer scale.
Cheers!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - I'm Here To Take Your Romantic Queries

Day 88 - Flying Dog "Doggy Style" Pale Ale
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"Yeah, hi. My name is Leon Phelps, and to those of you that are uninitiated, I am an expert in the ways of love. I have made love to many fine ladies from the lowliest bus station skank to the classiest most sophisticated, educated, debutant, high society... bus station skank. Allow me to begin today with a small literary piece I have written myself.
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What is love? What is this longing in our hearts for togetherness? Is it not the sweetest flower? Does not this flower of love have the fragrant aroma of fine, fine diamonds? Does not the wind love the dirt? Is not love not unlike the unlikely not it is unlikened to? Are you with someone tonight? Do not question your love. Take your lover by the hand. Release the power within yourself. Your heard me, release the power. Tame the wild cosmos with a whisper. Conquer heaven with one intimate caress. That's right don't be shy. Whip out everything you got and do it in the butt.
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Let's go to the first caller. Hi caller, this is the Ladies Man."
(caller) Yeah, ladies man. What is the best way to show a women I really care about her?
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Uh, yeah, that's easy. Try using the position known as "The Flyin' Doggy Style".
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(caller) That's not really what I meant. I mean should I do something sincere, or something meaningful?
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Uh, yeah caller, I think I know what your problem is here. Yeah, well, you suffer from homo-unerectus. That means your wang is hugeified by men and not by women. [hanging up on the caller] And that concludes today's love advice, now let's hear today's beer review.
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Flying Dog Pale Ale is pretty good. Iron Chef, Grand Tetons, and Icehouse all thought it was good even though it was different from what they are used to. I think it's pretty drinkable, and I will rate it a 7 on the beer scale.

100 Beers in 100 Days - Day 87

Breckenridge Agave Wheat





Today Beer Heads we are in Breckenridge Colorado drinking the local brew pubs Agave Wheat beer. This is a very strange beer that has a rather sharp taste to it. From the name, I was expecting it to be tequila or margarita flavored, but instead it was a little cider-y. Iron Chef said it had a pungent aroma and the flavor was vinegar-y. I don't really like it, and wouldn't recommend it. I will rate it a 3 on the beer scale.

Cheers!

Friday, October 10, 2008

Some Necessary Detours From The Odyssey

Detour #1

I accidentally got some moisture inside my BlackBerry. OK, you caught me; I spilled beer in my BlackBerry. But, that’s not necessarily the problem. The issue is, in order for me to remove the back plate so I can get to the inside of the keyboard to scrap the expected corrosion off the keys; I need this little tiny torx head screwdriver. It’s not bad enough that torx head screws and the drivers used to assemble them are relatively uncommon, but one this size is especially rare. Moreover, I can’t even do a hillbilly stunt like using another tool that’s close enough to the shape of the torx head socket because torx head screws are used in situations where a lot of torque is needed, and therefore trying to unscrew them without having the screwdriver head seated against all sides of the socket will result in stripping it out.

So I get the bright idea to go to a wireless store to see if they got one of these screwdrivers I can buy. Makes sense right? They sell phones, so they should have stuff to fix them. Nope, the salesman tells me that you’re not supposed to fix your cell phone if something happens to it; you’re supposed to buy a new one. So I think, OK I understand where he’s coming from. He wants the commission from selling me a new phone. So I go to Target to see if maybe they have random junk related to cell phones, and again I’m told that you don’t fix cell phones, you replace them.

Now this concept mildly blows my mind because these BlackBerrys can be really expensive, and from what I read, they also need regular maintenance in the form of cleaning behind the keys. You gotta admit this is totally stupid because it’s the equivalent of buying a car, and then 3 months later taking it to the dealer for an oil change only to have the dealer tell you that you can’t maintain the car, you have to buy a new one. Seriously, that's just crazy.


Detour #2 – Bush has 100 days left in office on 10/11/08

I am really dismayed at this fact. It really seems like there should be a lot less days.

100 Beers in 100 Days - The Chosen Beer

Day 86 - Hebrew Genesis Ale



Come now Beer Heads. Have a seat in the pews and listen to today’s scripture reading. Turn with me now to the book of Denominations, chapter 1, verse 1 as we hear the following passage read to us by the ghost of Charlton Heston.

[Charlton Heston’s ghost clears throat and reads] “In the beginning, the world was an empty, beer less place. Sobriety was spread across the surface like darkness while the Spirit hovered over it. And God spoketh and said, “Let there be beer,” and there was beer. God saw that the beer was good and so He separated the tasty, full bodied beer from the bad tasting, pee water. The tasty beer He called Belgium, the pee water beer He called Macro brew Lager. For God wanted it to be known that He so loved the world that He gaveth it beer to make the suck-y parts of life not so suck-y, and the fun parts even more fun.”

[Beer Heads throw hands in the air and yell] "Hallelujah!"

“[Charlton Heston’s ghost continues] And that beer heads is why we should bow our heads and say grace before every beer we drinketh. In order to thank the Lord for the beer He giveth…Amen”

Hebrew Beer is a unique amber-like bitter. It' flavor is a little caramel-y, and a little nutty. Iron Chef said it smelled sweet like maybe a grape-like aroma. She said it ain't all that, and should only be rated a 6 on the beer scale. Whereas I say; "Crucify that non-beleiver! This is the ale that the proephecies have predicted is
'The Chosen Ale' and should at least be a 7."

Thursday, October 9, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days -

Day 85 - Anchor Steam Beer
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In honor of today's beer Anchor Steam, I decided to invent my own Steam Punk contraption. This is what I came up with; A Weird and Warped Automatic Beer Bottle Opener.
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Cheers!
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Tuesday, October 7, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - Day 84

Rogue Brutal Bitter (from Ashland Oregon)



I tried all day to think of something funny to write in this post, but I was unsuccessful. So, I will just tell you that the Brutal Bitter isn't as hard to take as the name suggests. This isn't my favorite beer, but it's not bad. Iron Chef said it was hop-y, yeast-y, and had an unexpected sweetness to it. I agree, and will rate it a 5 on the beer scale.

Cheers!

Monday, October 6, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - Drink Like An Egyptian

Day 83 - Pyramid Hefeweizen
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Today Beer Heads we are in Seattle Washington drinking Pyramid Beer. And of course the name Pyramid is where the term Beeramid comes from which brings us to todays topic: How to make the perfect Beeramid.
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1) Drink some cans of beer.
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2) carefully place the empty cans in a straight line to form the base. Remember, a good foundation is everything.
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3) Drink some more beer to get the empty cans.
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4) Carefully stack a row cans on top of the foundation from step 2.
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5) Drink alot more beer to get enough empty cans to finish the beeramid.
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6) Replace the cans of the second row that have undoubtedly been knocked over by drunken beeramid builders.
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7) Finish building the beeramid in the distinctive pyramid shape in order to complete a structure that you will be proud to have forgotten to have built when you finally wake up the next morning.
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And there you have it. The only thing that could make it better would be if you could make it out of cans of Pyramid beer. Which by the way is a great little Hefeweizen. The flavor is smooth, and it's very drinkable. Iron Chef said she like the aroma that engulfed her mouth when she put her mouth to the glass. I think it's a good 7 on the beer scale.
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Cheers!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - Tribute to the Great Gary Burbank

Day 82 - Shock Top
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Hello ladies and gentlemen, my name is Howlin' Blind Muddy Slim, your 60 minute, Jelly Belly, Toe Jam Man. I gotta tell you I'm a little out of sorts today. Last night after the bar closed, I went around to all the tables and collected the spiders from all the glasses. You know, the little left over drink found in the bottom of the glass, that's a spider. Well, anyways I made up this one drink that was quite the doozy. Do you know what you get if you mix Safari Liqueur, Razzmatazz, Pale Ale, and some Inverleven Whiskey. That's right! You get a Sa-Ra-Pale-In. Let me tell you this drink will make you drunk enough to vote in a soccer mom as governor. He, he,he. Yeah, that's pretty good isn't it. You know, I've been playin' in the St. Louis area here on what's called the "Chitlin Circuit", and I tried a new beer called Shock Top. Well anyways, I wrote a review about it. Like to here it? Here it goes.
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Shock Top is a really good white beer. It's got just the right amount of flavoring to cover up the distinctive clove after taste found in most white beers. The Professor said it wasn't horrible which is good because she thought all beer tasted horrible. Grand Tetons said it was her kind of beer, and Iron Chef said she really liked it alot. And despite being made by the same people who make Bud, I think it's an 8 on the beer scale.

Saturday, October 4, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - Day 81

Day 81- Sprecher Special Amber


Being in Milwaukee Wisconsin, and drinking an amber beer that taste great makes we want to sing this: "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight. Schlemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated. We’re gonna do it!..." Yeah, or maybe not. Anyways, Sprecher Special Amber is a great beer with a fabulous taste. I will rate it a 7 on the beer scale.
Cheers!

100 Beers in 100 Days - The Updated Map




Friday, October 3, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - Around the World in 80 Beers!

Day 80 – Goose Island, Honker’s Ale


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Today Beer Heads we are in an underground chamber, beneath the streets of Chicago, at the entrance to what could actually be Al Capone’s Vault. This hermetically sealed steel door was discovered by utility workers during a recent excavation. Tensions are starting to mount as everyone here is anxiously waiting to see what prohibition era artifacts owned by Al Capone will be waiting for us on the other side. People are starting to speculate what we’ll find. Money? Smuggled booze? Tommy guns??? It looks like we won’t have to wait much longer. Here comes Geraldo Rivera now to assist in opening the vault. [A creaking sound is heard as the door is opened. A strong dusty smell fills the air] Here it is, Al Capone’s Vault! Hey wait a minute. This isn’t Al Capone’s vault! This is Harry Carey’s vault! There’s nothing in here except empty Budweiser “tallboy” cans, and those gigantic square framed glasses.
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Oh well, so, let’s head out of the underground chamber and go to the Goose Island Brew Pub in Chicago’s Lincoln Park to drink some Honker’s Ale. Which I guess would make me a “Honky drinking Honker’s” …”Ale” that is.
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Honker's Ale is a pretty good beer. It's got a unique bitter flavor to it. Unique in that it's a good bitter. Iron Chef liked it and said she tasted some sort of spice, but couldn't identify what. This is a pretty solid 7 on the beer scale.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - A Set of Big Bells

Day 79 – Bell’s Pale Ale



Well Beer Heads, metaphorically speaking, we’ve finally come to America.

Today we are at the former Kalamazoo Brewery in Kalamazoo Michigan drinking Bell’s Pale Ale. The name of the Brewery was changed to Bell’s in 2005 since most people referred to it by the name of it’s founder, Larry Bell. Incidentally, if none of the variety of Bell’s beers excites you, then you could go across town to the Kalamazoo headquarters of Pfizer for some Viagra.Bell’s is an OK beer. It’s a little hoppy with some yeast-y and citrus-y tastes in the flavor. Iron Chef said it wasn't horrible, but...it would do in a pinch. I will rate it a 4 on the beer scale.

Cheers!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - The French Connection

Hey Beer Heads! For our last day in Canada, I thought it would be fun to make a post in French for the sake of all those French-Canadians out there. Don't worry, I've provided the English translation in convenient subtitles.

Le jour 78 - Labatt Bleu Pilsner

(Day 78 - Labatt Blue Pilsner)


Aujourd'hui nous sommes à Londres, Ontario. C'est la maison de Brassage de Labatt, les producteurs de bière d'aujourd'hui, Labatt Bleu.
(Today we are in London, Ontario. This is the home of Labatt Brewing, the makers of today's beer, Labatt Blue.)
Je ne fais pas expext beaucoup de cette bière parce qu'il est fait des mêmes gens qui produisent Le Pee Pee Water pour la distribution au Canada.
(I don't expext much from this beer because it is made from the same people who produce Buweiser for distribution in Canada.)
Labatt est encore une autre des nombreuses Brasseries qui ont été rachetées la part par Le Cock Suckers.
(Labatt is yet another of the many Breweries that have been bought out by InBev.)
Mais bien qu'InBev ait acheté la compagnie, c'est toujours beacoup mieux que Budweiser.
(But even though InBev bought the company, it's still a whole lot better than Budweiser.)
Gardez votre brindille sur la glace et une bière froide dans votre main.
(Keep your stick on the ice, and a cold beer in your hand.)

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - "Welcome to Possum Lodge"

Today Beer Heads we have special guest poster Red Green from Possum Lodge.




Day 77 - Molson Canadian




Today Beer Heads I'm gonna teach you how to make your very own beer brewery from a Ford Granada and the handyman's secret weapon, Duct Tape. Yeah, I know what your thinking; "This is way too big a project for me"; but don't worry. I'm pulling for you, we're all in this together.

First, pull the gas tank out of the Granada. I gotta make sure to get all the gas out of it, or the next beer and chili night at Possum Lodge may be a fire hazard. Next take the radiator hose and attach it to the end of the filler tube on the gas tank. Make sure to use enough duct tape, you don't want any beer spilling out. Then you attach the carburetor to the end of the radiator hose to act as CO2 relief valve, and then you have a complete fermenter unit. Then all you gotta do is use the oil pan for mashing the wort for your home brew beer, which is good because all you have to do when transferring the wort from the pan to the fermenter is unscrew the drain plug. So there you have it. Your very own home brew distillery. Enjoy. Or if you would rather get a clean crisp, slightly hoppy Molson that would rate a 6 on the beer scale, then nobody would really blame you.

So remember, if the ladies don't find you handsome, they can at least find you handy. Well, until next time, keep your stick on the ice, and a cold beer in your hand.

Monday, September 29, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - The Great White North

Day 76 - Moosehead Lager





Hey you hosers! Today we're in Canada eh, drinking Moosehead Beer. It's brewed in St. John's New Brunswick, up here in the great white north eh, Canada that is. Yeah, this is a pretty good eh, especially since there's not a mouse in the bottle or anything. It may not taste as good as Elsinore beer, but it does have a nice crisp taste to it. Iron Chef said it was citrus-y, and I thought it was pretty decent after the skunk smell from the bottle goes away. That would make it like at least 5 on the beer scale eh.



Now gimme a beer you knob.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - Day 75

Carib Lager



Today beer heads, we are in Puerto Rico drinking a beer whose name was derived from the same place as the Caribbean Islands. Early explorers found the island Carib (which is now called Grenada) filled with a native people that practiced a ritualistic form of cannibalism. As this was the first society discovered to partake in the eating (but not ingesting) of human flesh, the word cannibal was derived from the Carib word Kanbna meaning "person". Even though the Carib people still live in various parts of South America and the Caribbean Islands, the last known speakers of Island Carib died out in the 1920's.

Today, many people around the Caribbean Islands enjoy Carib beer. However, I am not particularly enjoying it. It's a little skunky smelling, very watery, and rather cheap tasting. Maybe this beer would taste better while sitting on a sandy beach or maybe it would compliment a heapin' helping of human flesh, but by itself, it's really not even a 4, so I will rate it a 3 on the beer scale.

Cheers!

Saturday, September 27, 2008

100Beers in 100 days - Gotta Light?

A.A. - "Hey Beer Heads, how about we hear about today's beer from one of the locals?"
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Day 74 - Red Stripe


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Dreadlocks covered person - "Eh mon! We here in Kingston Jamaica drinking Red Stripe. Dis es a corny tasting lager with not alot of malt or hops flavor. Not only es dis de official beer of de Jamaican Bobsled team, it's also de official beer of smokers because you would have to be high to consider it any-ting special. Dis beer goes good with ganja, maryjane, weed, blunt, chronic, cannibis, reefer, and especially Jamaican gold mon."

A.A. - "Well, I guess I can't argue with that. That's why I'm rating it a 4 on the beer scale.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - The Good, The Bad and The Ugly

Here we are beer heads at the Mexican Border where we will try 3 beers for this post. I had trouble with blogger yesterday, and I think I will be busy tomorrow, so I am going to do all three today.

Day 71 - The Good: Negra Modelo

A Beer with a dark amber color. Not overly sweet and heavy like some dark malty beers. It may have a faint hint of caramel in the flavor which I like. It's great taste proves that there are two types of beers in the world my friend, those that that you can totally dig and those that aren't Negra Modelo. I will rate this an 8.



Day 72 - The Bad: Tecate

I'm not too impressed with it. It's very watery and has a little bit of funny taste to it. It doesn't have enough flavor to cover a taste of metal, maybe of the equipment used to make it. I will rate this a 4 because it proves that there are two types of beer in the world my friend, those that taste like metal and those that are the next best thing to having a rope around your neck.



Day 73 - The Ugly: Pacifico


I started to pour it out because I thought it smelled a little moldy or something. But then I thought, hey I got to at least try a small sip just too say I tried it, and maybe the smell is just me. [two seconds after drinking] Oh my God this is nasty! Even though the mold smell was just my imagination, this is still horrible tasting beer. I rating it a 1 and pouring it out because it proves that there are two types of beer in this world my friend, those that don't taste very good and those that you would only drink at gun point.

Viva La Cerveza!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - Day 70

Oh my God! I can't believe I have been doing this for 70 days. Heck, even Jesus didn't stick with anything more than 40 days! OK, back the odyssey.
Carta Blanca


Well beer heads, it's just you and me this evening. Iron Chef is out at the salon getting her hair doo all done up. No, no don't worry about me, I am well fed this evening. Iron Chef pre-made some meat ball hoagies last night for me to eat this evening for dinner. (Damn, am I that spoiled!) Well anyways today we are drinking a beer called Carte Blanca which is named after some French champagne. Believe it or not I actually knew there was a champagne named Carte Blanche. (See, I'm not the clod-hopper you all thought I was.) It's made in Monterrey Mexico by the Cuauhtémoc Moctezuma Brewery. (I didn't know that though. I can't even spell that. I had to copy and paste it from wikipedia.) Have you ever drank Miller High Life? The beer that calls itself "The Champagne of Beers". Well thankfully it's nothing like that! Granted, it's not that 'God sent from Heaven' stuff the Monks make in Belgium, but I can definitely say that I prefer this to Budweiser. I will rate this a 6 on the beer scale.

Viva La Cerveza!

Monday, September 22, 2008

100 Beers in 100 Days - 20th Century Beer

Day 69 - Dos Equis Ambar
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Today Beer Heads we find ourselves in Mexico drinking another of my favorite brands of beer, Dos Equis. According to the beer bottle history, this beer was crafted in 1897 to commemorate the XX Century. Iron Chef got this particular type of Dos Equis because she thought the Ambar would taste Oh-so-delicious. For the most part she was right. When it comes to Mexican Beer you can't go wrong with Dos Equis. It may not be the Hofbrau's Amber, but it's still a good quality, highly drinkable beer. I could try to describe something special about the flavor, but really, it's just an amber beer. I will rate this one 7 on the beer scale.
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Viva La Cerveza!
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A Look Back At How Far We've Come


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