Saturday, December 27, 2008

Should I be Offended?

First I try to go to one of my favorite blogs on the internet, A Funny Thing, but get the following message; "It doesn't look like you have been invited to read this blog."

Then, I try to go to one of my other favorite blogs on the internet, That Slick Sumbich, but end up finding nothing more than the following message there; "There's nothing more to see, move along you heathens!"

I'm really starting to feel slighted here.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Next Year

I have been a little busy trying to track down some spyware that keeps redirecting me to different sites when I click on a link, as well as preventing Mcafee from connecting to the internet for updates. So, I haven’t really been able to post very much in the blog lately, nor have I really been inspired to write any more posts during this hectic Christmas Season. However, upon my triumphant return to the blogosphere next year, I should have some good posts for you.
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First, I hope to kick off the year with a few more episodes of Tales from the Possum Hunter for you. Because as the temperatures drop, the more frequently the possums to try to evict Sneaky Pete from his house like some home owner defaulting on his mortgage.
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It should also be interesting later in the year as I am planning to have my friend Knowstradamus drop by to share with us some insight into the future.
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I have also got some more ideas for the Funny Forums that will hopefully provide us with some funny responses from unsuspecting web surfers.
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And of course I am planning to do another beer drinking series like I did last Summer/Fall. Except this time I think it should be more organized and less lengthy. I am thinking the series could be called “Around the World in 80 Beers”.
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So, with those plans made, I bid you all farewell until 2009. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Saturday, December 13, 2008

Dastardly Despicable Plans: Revisited

Since I haven't had time to really think about any new blog posts what with the stupid URL changer that infected my computer the last few weeks and all, I have decided to at least post something from the past that could be relavent today. The stupidity of banks and mortgage companies today reminds of this blog post from the early days of the Weird Warped World about the stupidity of credit card companies.
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The Bart Simpson Credit Card Scam
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I was reminded yesterday of this old telephone number I had that was frequently used by a credit card scammer on some false credit card applications. The guy was also somewhat of comedian because the names were almost as funny as the name Santos L. Halper on Bart Simpson’s card. Usually he used the same double letters in the first and last names when fabricating them. So I would get these phone calls from collections agency’s asking for Gabby Gabbard. Dude, you have got to be kidding me. You mean to tell me that Discover, CitiBank, or some other credit card company actually took this name seriously. The guy absconded with a couple of thousand dollars from each of about three different credit card companies. I estimated he got about $8000 and authorities are still probably trying to find him because they were clueless about the number not being connected to an address in (notice the double letters) Kipssissle, Mississippi.
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So I got to thinking, if credit card companies really are this stupid, then why am I still slaving away at a 9 to 5 job like the rest of the working class?
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The first part of the scam would be easy. I get credit card applications in the mail all the time. All I got to do is make up several fake identities with names that are at least as believable as Gabby Gabbard, and make sure they are not actual names so there’s no actual person to cause the situation to be mistaken for identity theft which would tip off the credit people. It doesn’t matter if nobody has heard of these people. There are lots of smaller credit card companies, like Discover and Citibank, which give out cards to people with no credit history all the time.
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The second part of the scam would not only be a good test of the fake identity, but also a good way to build trust with the credit companies thereby building credit. After Maxing out one fake persons low limit card, pay it off with another fake persons low limit card. Once credit card companies see that the fake people not only max out the cards, but they pay them promptly, the credit people will quickly bump up the limits to about triple of the original limits. I can do this as many times as needed until I end up with a bunch of Gold Cards.
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Now granted, by the time the cards were Gold level, I would have to haul some serious butt to hit enough ATM’s to get the money to keep obtaining the money to pass to each card company, but It shouldn’t be unusual to the credit companies at this point to see multiple trips to multiple ATM’s over the course of multiple days. It’s just a gradual increase each time.
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I figure if I get up to about a $500,000 limit on 10 cards, then I can get about $15,000 worth of cash withdraw limit from each. That would mean I would have a maximum of $150,000 in cash and $4,850,000 of charging power at my disposal. That should be plenty to cover the expenses of anything I want. As long as everyone gets their money in a timely manner nobody will expect anything. Then I can live off the difference between one cards limit and another cards limit. If I never spent more than 10% of a cards limit per month or 5% less than standard 15% interest just to be safe, then I would never have trouble. By the time the cards get up to $500,000 limit, I could spend $50,000 per month. I calculate that it would take 5 years for 2 cards alternating, so 10 cards together would work for 25 years.
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I can’t live a whole life like this, but I could have a much better retirement from this than from the NOTHING that I expect to get from Social Security.
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The last part of the plan is the hardest. I have to grow a sack of balls big enough to actually try this.
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Thursday, December 4, 2008

The Weird Warped Financial Crisis


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I thought that the auto industries request for government money was the worst case scenario for this bailout. Then, I read an article today about an Ohio school district that is also asking for a slice of the $700 Billion dollar government bailout pie. Theoretically, if one school district gets assistance, then they all would. Considering how many short budgeted school districts there are in this country, this could really turn out bad. Apparently the situation is only going to get worse. And unfortunately that “worse situation” includes me.
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That’s right folks; the financial crisis has hit the Weird Warped World blog pretty hard. The prognosis is far worse than that of the big 3 auto makers. Whereas the auto makers claim that they will be bankrupt by the end of the year, Andy’s Weird Warped World is already, financially speaking, “tapped out”. At this point, I don’t know any other way to save it than to ask for $10 Billion dollars of the bailout money. If action isn’t taken soon, there could be a total collapse of all operations here at the Weird Warped World blog.
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Sure, you might argue that I have made some bad financial decisions like NOT displaying any products I could possibly sell, but that doesn’t mean I should automatically be disqualified. As I see it, the very fact that my blog has nothing that people want to buy would make it no different than the big 3 auto makers.
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So here is my bailout plan for 2009.
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First, I will opt to drive my 1992 Ford Ranger to Washington DC instead of flying in a corporate jet. Mainly because I don’t have a corporate jet, but seriously, those Congressional leaders don’t need to know that.
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Second, I will offer to continue producing the blog for a 2009 annual salary of just $1 while at the same time canceling all CEO raises, and bonuses.
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Third, I will renegotiate contracts with all labor unions which include the LJWG (Lame Joke Writers Guild), the BIGA (Bad Idea Generators of America) Local 1, the UBA (United Blog workers of America) Local 1, and the IBT (What can I say? Those Teamsters got their hands in just about every industry.).
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Lastly, I will ensure Congress that the government will have a secure majority share in Andy’s Weird Warped World.
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With that $10 Billion dollars, I am sure that I will be able to revitalize this blog and make a profit of at least $10 Billion dollars in 2009. In the mean time, you can help make it popular as well by voting for it at Humor-Blogs.com and Humorbloggers.com.
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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Backwards Bush Update

On December 1st there were exactly 50 days till the retard that lives in the White House has to leave.

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