Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Upon Reaching the Light at the End of the Tunnel

Ladies and gentlemen, the glorious day has arrived when I can start referring to him as "The retard that FORMERLY lived in the White House." Finally, George W. Bush; domestically, financially, and diplomatically the worst president in U.S. history will no longer the leader of the free world.

Now that we are passed that, I can focus on the future.

I can't wait to see the inauguration today. I won't be able to watch it in person, but I got my DVR set up and ready to go. I gotta be honest with you though, I don't give a rats butt about presidential ceremony. I just want to have an unedited account of the ceremony in the likely event that some White Supremacist tries/succeeds at assassinating him before he takes oath.

Do you know what the problem is with President Obama? There is no way anyone can live up to all the hype that's been made about him. People haven't made this big a deal about a leader for over 2000 years. I mean seriously, I actually heard the name Obama more last December than I heard the name Jesus. So basically, no matter what happens over the next four years, people are going to be let down. Then when people find out that he can't turn water into wine or rise from the dead, there will likely be some backlash. But hey, at least he ain't the retard that formerly lived in the White House.

Friday, January 16, 2009

The Weird Warped Diet Plan

Well kids, it’s that time of year again, the time of year when people go on diets. And I unfortunately am pulled into this trend every winter by the wife. Every year I start off by looking around the internet for dieting information and usually find myself overwhelmed by the dizzying array of diets that are out there.

For example, there is this one diet that requires you to consume only juice, or things liquefied in a juicer. I think I would much rather have a diet consisting of another type of liquid, but unfortunately the 100 beers in 100 days adventure has long passed.

Then there is the Atkins diet, where you cut out all carbohydrates. So basically, you can only eat meat and green vegetables which is pretty stupid because you end up being a meat eating vegetarian.

There is also this little known diet that requires you to eat nothing but apples for three days straight. Supposedly, you want to do this because it cleans out your colon. Because everyone knows that the ladies all want a man with a good colon. Frankly, I would rather save a couple of days and just eat nothing but bran one day.

Of course, the big thing in Weight Watcher’s now is this diet plan that prevents you from going through the tedious effort of counting calories, and they accomplish by having you go through the even more tedious effort of counting points. This sounds like a good idea until you find out that a “point” is determined by some bootleg calculation that says fat and calories are proportional to fiber, well at least until you reach 4 grams that is, then fiber no longer matters. So basically, it looks like they got tired of factoring it in and then said “screw the fiber” after 4 grams.

So, the wife and I decided to go with the Weight Watcher’s diet plan called Core. This sounded good to us because it advertises that you can eat as much as you want and still lose weight provided that you only eat certain foods, that you pair certain foods together, and only eat certain foods for certain meals of the day. And then if the planets align just right, some mysterious voodoo magic will make you lose weight.

Clearly, these diets are made up by people who really aren't qualified to make up diets. So, I got to thinking, "I'm not qualified, so why don't I make my own diet?" So that's just what I did. Here's how it works. All you gotta do is eat bacon, sausage, spam, country fried steak and eggs for breakfast. Then eat pizza, chicken wings, chili dogs, tacos, and hamburgers for lunch. And then a sensible dinner.

Well kids, I better get going, I gotta get started on the Weird Warped Diet Plan if I am going to fit into those Speedos this summer.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

What are you looking at?

I just gotta ask the question. When did my cojones grow eyes? Was it at the same time that the Geico money grew eyeballs? I’m asking because I just heard a new radio commercial for Diet Pepsi Max where, as the tag line says, “Drink a diet cola that’s so manly you’ll still be able to look your cojones in the eyes.” More importantly, do I want to look my cojones in the eyes? And besides, I don’t think I actually could look my cojones in the eyes without having some ribs removed.

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