Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Tales of the Possum Hunter - Continued

I woke up to the sound of the wife’s stupid cat Repete calling us from inside the animal trap to come and let him out again. Yes, my wife named her cat Repete after my cat Pete, but I won’t go into that. So, I got up and went to the back door and then noticed something really odd about Repete; he wasn’t in the cage. He was meowing at me from beside the cage. Apparently through the darkness I didn’t see the black animal inside the cage at first, but when I did, I saw something very strange. I didn’t know what it was. It was really tall and had to crouch low to get in the cage. It was maybe twice as long as Repete. The thing had somehow turned it self 180 degrees to face the cage door despite not having much room to move around in there. I thought to myself, what could that be? It definitely wasn’t any kind of dog. We don’t have any big animals like mountain lions in this area so it couldn’t have been one of those. Then I got the silly idea that maybe this is one of those Chupacabra things that people report seeing in Mexico. Yea, that’s it. It’s a Chupacabra.

The thing started to scream and hiss and ram its head really hard into the cage door. It was eerily reminiscent of the zombie like guy at the end of ‘I am Legend’. I usually don’t fear any of the non-predatory scavenger type animals that get in the trap. Like even though raccoons are pretty mean, once the cage door is opened they become more afraid of me than I am of them. This thing however, legitimately began to scare the living crap out of me. I slowly edged around to the front of the cage to get a better look at the vicious creature only to find… HOLY CRAP! That is the biggest house cat I have ever seen. As I looked at it in a horrified amazement, it rammed its head so hard into the cage that it forced the door open and then scrambled around to face me. I was so shaken up by the sheer evil of the animal that I ran back into the house and took a few minutes to shake it off. I watched from safely behind the glass sliding door as the giant, evil, “Chupacabra Cat” darted off into the night.

A few weeks later, I heard Repete again. Only this time he was much wiser. Instead of standing next to the “Chupacabra Cat”, he was about 10 feet away from the cage. I reacted quickly and grabbed a heavy planter from the corner of the deck and pushed it up against the cage door. I felt much better after making sure he couldn’t break out again. Then it hit me. What the heck am I going to do with this thing? So I ended up bracing the door shut with a lug wrench and threading a long piece of cable through the cage wires in order to be able to safely pull the cage wherever I needed. And then I just did what I always do. I trucked it away to a secret undisclosed location and let it loose. Now, the “Chupacabra Cat” can run free through hillsides of Ohio killing as much cattle as it wants.

Monday, March 24, 2008

3/25/08 - 300 Days Left

How NOT To Discipline A Puppy

Well kids, since Fred Phelps of the WBC doesn’t appear to be responding to the last e-mail, I have decided to try something different. I am going to start posting funny and/or warped questions on different forums.

I jokingly posted the below question on Yahoo Answers to see what kind of response I would get. I would love to be able to post the full answer from each person, but since the question forum was deleted within 2 hours of being posted, all I have is the preview of each answer that was e-mailed to me as they were made. Props go out to chaosmanone for actually reading past the first two sentences.


What is the maximum voltage a 2 lb puppy can withstand? I am planning to make a taser for disciplining my wife’s puppy. I want to make it out of one of those invisible fences, but those are designed for larger outside dogs. I know that 110 volts will give a 200 lb person a pretty good zap. If I scale that down to 1.1 volts for a 2 lb dog will that be enough? Do you think that 20 volts is enough to jolt him without stopping his little heart?

Robyn S. wrote: You're a monster.

Country Pup wrote: how about no volts as it is animal abuse...

W. wrote: I think you are a troll who needs to use that tazer on yourself-repeatedly.

Hippie C. wrote: I think you are going to be commiting animal abuse and if you can't handle t...

Emma B. wrote: i think you are a sick son of a ***** wasting peoples time, get a life you fucki...

Magy wrote: Reported for joking about animal abuse- if you are serious about training the pu...

Chaosmanone wrote: Check the voltage on one of those shock collars. That invention has alread…

Anavswife wrote: I'd like to taser you. You're disgusting.

Cathy P. wrote: I think you are a sick individual to even consider such a thing. Obedience trai...

Agilityteen wrote: How about a clicker and some yummy treats? OR YOU COULD RETURN THE DOG TO THE BR...

J.Rose wrote: I think you are a real sicko.

Lifehappens wrote: Thanks for the 2pts.....reported

Awesome_silver_33 wrote: Surely you cant be serious , how dare you even think of such a thing , how's...

Singleworker1230 wrote: Go to a dog training class and learn how to train dogs properly. Unless you fee...

I think it’s interesting how many people immediately judged me as an evil person without even asking if I have even tried the lighter forms of punishment. I am also surprised that not one person even recommended checking with a professional first, or at the very least pointed out that there may be serious physical reasons why invisible fences aren’t made for smaller dogs.
Even though I know it’s a joke, I feel like such a heel for what these people think of my fake identity’s inhumane suggestion. I think maybe my fake identity should stand in the corner until next week’s blog post is published.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Chumming the waters

I've had to bust my hump for 'da man' this week so I don't really have anything to post. The best I can do is try to bait my regular readers (all 8 of you) with some ideas that I hope will lure you back.
Hopefully I should have a good post here in a week or so about how not to discipline a 2 pound puppy. This will depend upon the actual answers I get to my query on Yahoo answers as well as the possibility of my being kicked off that site before even getting any answers.
Also in the works is a possible regular column that I am going to call the Shine Diaries. This should be similar to 'drunk dialing' except in a blog form.
Later this summer, I expect to have some stuff that I hope to acquired during a vacation to Gulf Shores Florida. This will basically be the same weird warped world, but in a warmer climate.
I had originally intended on giving you another installment of Tales of the Possum Hunter, but I think I may save that for next week when I have more time to devote to it.
Well, that's all I got for you this week. Swim back to this part of the internet ocean sometime soon for some (hopefully) tasty literary fish food.

Thursday, March 13, 2008


I have to admit it, I like these commercial. They are mildly entertaining despite being rather dork-ish. The only problem is; it’s not very effective. As soon as the commercial is over, I totally forget the name of the wireless company. In fact, I spent more time trying to figure out which company is advertised in the commercial then I did actually writing this blog. (OOPS, I probably shouldn’t admit that I slap out blog posts as if I didn’t care about anyone reading them.)

The Alltel Wizard commercial does bring certain questions to my mind. Such as, am I the only nerdy white guy in the world that doesn’t rub my nipples over stuff like wizards and dragons? And if I was into that kind of stuff, would I give a crap about wireless service since I probably wouldn’t have friends to call anyway? Also, I am forced to ask myself, exactly how did things progress so that the wizard would know Chad on a first name basis? Seriously, is Chad just that much of p-i-m-p pimp that even non-existent characters based on artwork from the side of vans know who he is? I don’t know.

These commercials could get really old, really fast. I think the only thing that could make the next one better is if the wizard made the guy from the Dodge commercials appear and then the Dodge guy pointed to the van and yelled; “HEY! IS THAT A HEMI?” Yeah, OK, maybe not.

I would like to supplement this week’s blog with the following comment. Despite how much the online community has been talking about the Alltel Wizard, the only pic on the internet about these commercials was one of the most difficult pics for me to find.

Monday, March 10, 2008

How To Get Free High Speed Internet


For some unknown reason, my wife has this undying devotion to the Cincinnati Bell Telephone company despite the sleaze ball things they do to their customers and their employees. And for the longest time she would refuse to cancel their expensive Zoomtown “high speed” internet service despite the fact that it’s slower than Netzero’s dialup service. For some other unknown reason, she actually listened to my out of control ranting and canceled it last week.

I hate Zoomtown; not because they treat customers like shit, or because the technical support is nonexistent. I hate them because they are the stingiest bastards in the world when it comes to allotting bandwidth.

I don’t actually need high speed internet service that often, but when I do, I want to actually get that service that I paid for. It was pretty much the same thing every couple of months. I would go to do something a little more exhaustive than just checking e-mail and it would take so long for a page to load that the Microsoft internet explorer would totally give up and just display their generic page load error message instead. Then I would call the Zoomtown people and complain that the service was cut off and they would lie to me and say that they would look into the problem. So a day or two later when they didn’t do anything, I would call again and demand a full refund for all the months we weren’t getting the high speed service we paid for and after getting transferred to several different people, they would make up some bull shit reason why it wasn’t working that month, pretend like they were fixing something, give me a refund for only one of the months in question and then allot us enough bandwidth to be just shy of a good high speed service, but I’m not greedy so I would call it “good enough” and take what I got. But of course, the contemptible low life shit eaters at Zoomtown could never leave “good enough” alone and within 3 days would cut the bandwidth back down to that of a lesser than dialup service. So you can image my discontent.

I think my brain is slowing down as get older. In my younger days, I would have thought of this a lot sooner. But as it stands, I only thought of this yesterday; well after the service was discontinued. But luckily, any of you getting this advice now will be able to use the technique outlined here.

Step 1 – Sign up for Zoomtown and wait for them to shut off the service.
Step 2 - Call customer service and demand a refund to get the bandwidth turned back up, and a refund scheduled for that month.
Step 3 – Use as normal for 2 days and call them again and demand a refund so they will increase bandwidth again, and keep you on the schedule for receiving a refund.
Step 4 – Repeat steps 2 and 3 indefinitely.

Why would this deceptively simple system work, you ask? It’s like this; Zoomtown knows that they cheat people out of bandwidth, so they won’t question for one single second any claim that a customer has no service. They are also accustomed to giving people refunds for the previous month because that small matter of appeasement is the only method they have for retaining customers, so they will always be quick with that solution with the idea that they will make it up in future months by selling you nothing.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the way to get free high speed internet.

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