Wednesday, November 19, 2008

It Does A Booby Good

Hey Weirdos, with a show of hands, how many of you thought I would never write another e-mail to PETA? Since I can't see you, I can only assume all of you because I had vowed to never waste time with them again if they weren't gonna send any of their funny replies. However, this one was just begging to be sent. Besides, it also had a specific person to receive it, so there was high probability of a reply. This is the e-mail I sent in regards to the story about PETA asking Ben and Jerry's to use human breast milk in thier ice cream.
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Dear Tracey Reiman,
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I would like to ask 1) that you cease and desist in your recent campaign involving Ben and Jerry’s homemade Ice Cream, and 2) to thank you for bringing to our attention the actions of the Storchen restaurant concerning the proprietary practice of using human breast milk in dairy foods.
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As the owner and operator of Jugs Dairy and Topless Bar (TM), I regret to inform you that both the equipment to efficiently extract human breast milk and the process which the milk is extracted have been utilized by Jugs Dairy (TM) for the last 14 years, and therefore any company extracting milk in such fashion would be committing a theft of our intellectual property.
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Here at Jugs Dairy and Topless Bar (TM), we pride ourselves in providing fine adult entertainment while at the same time producing a niche product for many Lactation enthusiasts. We have painstakingly developed state of the art equipment for the purpose of “milking” women that is clearly the only conceivable method for doing so. We first place the breasts into notched stands known as Boob Grooves. Then our proprietary coupling device, known as The Suckler, provides the necessary “hook up” of the breast to the pump powered extraction hoses before being sent through the same homogenizing and pasteurizing processes used by today’s dairy farms. So again, I would like to thank you for your help in pointing out the perpetrators of intellectual property theft.
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Thank you for your cooperation,
Chap Buknasti
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The following is the reply, and of course I put my [smart ass comments in brackets.]
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Dear Mr. Buknasti,
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We are pleased to find out that you have similar goals as PETA however; we find your business to be very degrading and exploiting to women. [Don’t look at me. You hypocrite sickos were the ones who first suggested that people treat women like livestock. Chap Buknasti is at least bringing them up to the level of stripper. BTW-Is it anymore degrading than this?]

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We find the behavior you describe at this business to be appalling to say the least. [Do you mean appalling like going nude in public places, or appalling like covering yourself with blood and wrapping yourself in saran wrap to protest packaged meat?]

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Not only will we be unable to meet your demands, but we have our own demands for you Mr. Buknasti. [It cracks me up that she doesn’t notice that I modeled his name after the character Buck Nasty from Chappelle’s Show.] We demand that you 1) cease and desist in your treatment of women like animals. [I don’t understand. It’s OK to treat animals like people, but not OK to treat people like animals. Wouldn’t the lack of reciprocity in your philosophy be disproof of its validity?-sorry readers, sometimes my nerd thoughts slip out] 2) That you cease and desist in sending further e-mails to PETA that we may find offensive. [Good luck with that one.] We refuse to be insulted by unscrupulous people like you. [How nice of you to judge someone you don’t know. The e-mail portrays a perv, not a cheat. How would you like it if people who didn’t know you judged you as a total nut-job? Oh…nevermind.] And we wonder how you can think that by annoying people with preposterous ideas would have the slightest impact on a large organization. [You can’t be this stupid. Clearly you forgot that this began with a preposterous letter sent to Ben and Jerry’s.] So if you have anything else you want to say, please keep it to yourself. [Likewise, but since I know YOU won’t be able to keep from cramming your ideals down peoples throats, I will probably end up sending more e-mails.]
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Signed,
Tracey Reiman
[Certified Whacko]

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

An Exercise In Futility

At first I couldn’t believe I was just gonna keep the blog right where it’s at. (Hey Diesel, is it OK to begin AND end a sentence in a preposition?) But then I remembered why I came to blogger in the first place. Even though it’s pretty crappy, it’s still the least crappy free blogging site on the web.
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So the last couple weeks were just a futile attempt to get something better than I already got. You would think this would bother me, but it doesn’t because I know that people do things that are much more futile. You know, like teaching kids discipline with “Time Out” or preaching deliverance through that Jehovah’s Witness’ cult, but I digress.
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So, I’m just gonna play things cool like nothing ever happened, and resume posting blog entries here.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

The Bridge To Nowhere

Well OK, this "bridge" doesn't go nowhere, but it will seem that way until I get back into the swing of things and throw down a few more blog entries.
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Cross that bridge
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Saturday, November 8, 2008

I don't know why...

But, for some reason it seemed like a good idea to change the entire look, name, and theme of this blog. So, I deiced to return it to a relatively close approximation of it's former glory.

Now that this is back in order, I can leave it and go find a site that unlike Blogger will support mobile blogging via a BlackBerry because it kind-of sucks trying to do a Mobile blog on one that is not meant to be.

Watch this space for updates on the new site. I should probably have the new mobile blog up and running by the end of the weekend.

Thanks for hanging in there folks. (assuming any of you are still there)

Thursday, November 6, 2008

All conditioned things are impermanent. Work out your own salvation with diligence - The Buddha's last words.

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I've got this problem. It appears that without the props of the full sized multimedia blog that I am unable to think of anything funny. Yep, apparently I'm the Carrot Top of the blog world.
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I am, of course, going to have to fix this because I am definitely not the type of person who can write one of those blogs that is just an outlet for complaining.
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My first option is to loosen up a little on the media restrictions I have placed on this blog. My second option is to change the theme again because apparently the deep Zen thoughts are not conducive to the humor I aspire to write.
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So hang on kids. Things are about to change again.
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Wednesday, November 5, 2008

The end is just the beginning.

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After today,11/5/08, there will be 75 days left before the worst president in US history* leaves the white house. The beginning of that end doesn't seem to be getting here quick enough.
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*-Some may argue that James Buchanan was the worst, but clearly Bush is because he has not only screwed up the country, but also much of the world.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Even if you refuse to choose, you still have made a choice

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The important thing to remember about any election is that no matter what the politician says, they are just lying. So even if your candidate doesn't win, it really doesn't matter. I mean its not like the other side will get what they were promised either.
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So, I know what you're thinking. Why even bother voting?
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Simple. So we don't end up with some goof ball like Ralph Nader as president.
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So you're probably wondering that if both viable candidates are liars anyway, then what's the difference who I vote for.
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And the answer is, you want to vote for a vice presidential wang. That's right. The most pressing issue today is clearly the united states vice president's diplomatic relations with Iran since fixing: the economy, health care system, social security system, tax reform, national debt, and trade deficit will be a waste of time if Iran just ends up annihilating us with a nuclear attack.
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So what does Joe Biden's wang have to with this? Simple. Condeleza Rice has already proven that a womens efforts over there are absolutely futile since the towel heads still consider women to be more like property than like people. Which means that if we expect McCain's MILF to talk the Iranians out nukeing us, then it will definitely end up bad for everyone. So in other words, Joe Biden's wang can save the world from a nuclear holocaust. I bet it can also pronounce the word nuclear better than the retard that lives in the White House.
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So therefore, let me make this last minute campaign stump before todays voting. Vote Joe Biden's wang for vice president. Unfortunately the anti-christ has to be voted in as president at the same time. But at least this way we can enter into the end times as a country that doesn't glow in the dark. Well, my thumbs are starting to hurt so I better stop this.
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Your sensei has spoken.
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