Thursday, November 29, 2007

Tales Of The Possum Hunter

How I Discovered That Dry Possum Poop Is the Stickiest Substance on Earth

OK, so it’s like this. About a month ago I woke up in the middle of the night with some heart burn and really needed a glass of milk from the kitchen. As I was walking by the sliding doors to the back deck I noticed a silhouette of the wife's retarded cat standing up tall with his back arched. I looked out the door to see what that stupid cat was doing and there was a possum poking his head inside the cats’ house. Now since I built this heated cat house with my own two hands to keep my smart cat from freezing his butt off when the temperature drops, I can’t have some grubby little possum enacting squatter’s rights in it over the winter.

After several attempts at remembering to ask about borrowing an animal trap from my grandpa, I was finally able to get one at the house all ready for me to trap me a possum.

I have to admit, I didn’t think I would catch anything on the first night let alone the first three nights of setting the trap. Unfortunately, it just wasn’t that dang possum that I was trapping. I trapped the same stray cat twice and realized that I couldn’t just let it go or it would keep coming back. So the wife and I “evacuated” it to a much safer place. By the way, if you’re from PETA, the word “evacuated” means we tortured it and then killed it and then hung its dead body on a stick in the ground to act as a warning to any other cats that might come to that deck. If you’re not from PETA, the word “evacuated” just means we relocated it to a secret undisclosed location. The very next night a second stray got in the way of my quest to trap that possum. It didn’t look good for this weary possum hunter.

Then finally on one glorious night early this week, I actually caught that evil possum! In that triumphant moment I found myself completely enveloped with the smell of victory which in this circumstance means the smell of possum poop. Apparently possums are timid and if you spook one by trapping it in a cage, it totally looses all bowel function.

What Not To Do With a Possum in a Cage

As it turns out, if you catch a possum in a cage, you have to kill it because of the risk that it might have rabies and will bite you when it’s released. There is only one problem with this requirement. I don’t own a gun or a knife that I can safely kill an animal with. So the wife and I get the idea that we can gas it to death via the exhaust pipe of the car. No big deal, right? So we figure we need to enclose the cage somehow in order to keep the exhaust fumes concentrated around the cage, and isolated from leaking to the rest of the garage.

Everything was going pretty well until the possum jumped toward the door of the cage which startled me and I accidentally dropped the cage. When the trap hit the floor, the catch for the door slipped just enough so that the door came open under the weight of the possum and I watched in disbelief as my prized game had escaped from captivity. The screams of my brave wife echoed off the garage floor as she leaped heroically to safety inside the cabin of the car. As I snapped out of the euphoria of my victorious possum capture, I suddenly thought to myself; “holy crap there’s a possum loose in the garage!”


Luckily I was able to grab a 15 foot pole. (No really, we have a telescoping paint roller stick that extends to about 15 feet.) And then proceeded to “fish” the possum out from between the freezer and some lumber I had stacked there. After forcing the possum out of its hiding place, it ran under the mower and then finally along the wall to the door of the garage. I then watched with respectful admiration as this worthy adversary waddled off into the darkness. The thrill of this hunt will have to be continued on another day.

Monday, November 26, 2007

Dealing With Unlimited Music Service Withdrawl

I totally gotta give a shout out to Yahoo's 'Y!Music LaunchCast Radio'. This totally rocks! You can customize your own radio station for FREE! All you do is set up your radio station by specifying your favorite artists. Then, when they play a song, you rate the song, the artist, and the album. This way you end up getting the music you like played randomly. and they throw in new stuff that they think you will also like so the music never gets stale.

This is of course a stark contrast to Yahoo's 'Y!Music Unlimited' service which was actually very limited in what it can do and was just riddled with bugs and management problems.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Calling All Warped Weirdos, Help Needed

Well kids, here it is. The answer we were waiting for from Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church (Or as I like to call them, The Westboro Brainless Cult). Unfortunately, this one also, for some unknown reason, completely side stepped my question. Again, I have added my personal commentary in blue text.


God hates Cincinnati because it is full of fags and sinners calling themselves Christians but don’t preach against those who have soiled this city with the semen of fags. [Yuck, remind me not to touch anything next time I am downtown.] If you were a faithful follower of God’s word you would already be in the streets in front of city hall preaching against the abominations and lewd behavior of the fags that you instead tolerate. [How do you know I am not doing that? I didn’t mention that in my e-mail.] Because from Falwell to Robertson, the Episcopalians to the Lutherans, you're all preaching the same thing, [What do you mean “I am preaching”? You just said I wasn’t preaching.] that grand message delivered by the Serpent in the Garden of Eden -- "ye shall not surely die". [Are you retarded or something? Jerry Falwell talked down gays as much as you. He was your kind of people.] You don't hear hell preached from America's pulpits anymore! [What pulpits besides your own have you heard sermons from?] There is no accountability for sin in this place, [except maybe a $10.9 million dollar lawsuit for picketing a soldiers funeral.] and therefore, there is no abstinence from sin, which wars against your soul (1 Peter 2:11). [What’s funny is; the very next verse refers to living peacefully with the pagans as an example as opposed to slandering them outright.]

Rev. Fred Phelps

Well alright then. I guess I am going to have to start thinking like a crazy person. I am going to write my next e-mail in a manner that will be as close to an impression of him as I can possibly get. DUDE! I know what to do! I should invite him to come to Cincinnati to picket a City Council meeting! But then what would I do if they did come to town? Why don’t I just leave this open for suggestions? I will take any and all ideas regarding what to with these nut jobs if they actually came to Cincinnati.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Still Waiting

Well kids, I still haven't gotten any reply from Fred Phelps of that hate group from Topeka Kansas. So I decided I would share this weird little tidbit with you on a similar subject. This is from a guy named Donnie Davies who has pretty much the same views of Fred except he doesn't picket Iraq War Veterans funerals. He has a much gentler approach to spreading his beliefs. He writes songs about his beliefs. Unfortunately he doesn't get it either because this song is called "God Hates Fags".

Click here to hear it.

I should clarify what I mean by these guys not getting it. I don't accept or agree with gay behavior any more than I accept or agree with the behavior of murderers, but I consider the members of both groups to be redeemable by Christ under the same conditions as the rest of this sinful world that God so loved. So therefore gays shouldn't be referred to in derogatory terms any more than a Christian should be referred to as a "brain washed religious nut", nor should we suspect that God hates them. He just hates what they do.

OK! Everybody sing! God hates fags....God hates fags....if your a fag then God hates you too...

Thursday, November 8, 2007

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Don't Drink The Water

I just read this story about an "epidemic" at a high school in Roanoke, Virginia. Apparently people are acquiring some illness where they get these uncontrollable twitches and spasms. After the local health department officials found nothing contagious that would cause the twitching, the schools principal decided not to close the school.

Being curious of what kind of illness could possibly have twitching as a symptom, I decided to look it up at WebMD because seriously, I have never caught any kind of illness that caused twitching. So anyways I spend like 20 seconds finding that there are no contagious illnesses that cause twitching. Let me repeat that. There are no contagious illnesses that cause twitching. So why were the health officials looking for one? Are there health officials in my city that are stupid enough to look for something that doesn't exist. So after like another 5 seconds I discover that even though there is no illness, there is a condition triggered by an excess of Chloride in the body that actually does cause twitching. After another 5 seconds, a google search shows that excessive amounts of Chloride are common in heavily worn plumbing.

Seriously people, it took me like 30 seconds to figure out that the problem was in the water. I bet you probably jumped to that conclusion too. These people couldn't even suspect this after testing for weeks. How do people like this function in society? More importantly, why are they in charge of peoples children? Hmm, maybe I should go back and check if Chloride also causes brain damage.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

New Target

Those who have read my blog for any period of time can tell that I like to mess with the organization PETA in e-mail form. I think I will forgo any further e-mails to PETA for 2 reasons. One, they don’t send me any goofy replies back anymore. And two, they are just a minor annoyance in the world whereas this cult in Topeka Kansas called the WBC is an internal threat to Christians. (See the Weekly Squeak for the blog I wrote about them: ) I will admit that I am not the best person in the world with my occasional off color language and such, but I still think I really need to send them some e-mails. I have begun by sending them the below e-mail to test how far I can go with them. The ‘contact us’ part of their website gives you a very vague response to your message which makes it difficult to tell if they even got the message, so we will have to wait and see if we get a reply.

Dear Rev. Phelps,

I am a faithful follower of God’s true word and I support all of your work and effort in educating the world of God’s clear commandments condemning homosexuality. It has been my belief for many years that America was in a downward spiral into Hell with seemingly no chance of redemption. I want to believe that it’s possible to change America from its sinful ways. I think something needs to be done soon.

While I don’t think I can change America, I would like to try to change the city I was born and raised in. The city of Cincinnati is in a state of crisis today as the misguided city government has recently placed a gay woman on City Council. In addition to city government, large companies like Cincinnati Bell Telephone have also fallen under the sinful leadership of gays in their upper management. If something isn’t done soon, I am concerned these leaders’ gay agenda will have a negative impact on the city of Cincinnati.

I am writing to you today to ask for your guidance on how best to try to change the city of Cincinnati’s evil ways and hopefully turn it in a God fearing direction. Any and all advice in this matter is needed.

Freddy A. Heddar
My hope is that I can get lots more crazy crap from this guy to use against him in future e-mails.

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