Thursday, June 26, 2008

Lou Al From Hawaii Called, He Wants His Cheesy Surfboards Back

You (my long time readers that is, the new people may think this is normal) have probably noticed that I have not been very verbal in my blog over the last 2 weeks. I have wanted to write more, but my focus has been unwillingly shifted towards the annual VBS at our church. The "Weird Wife" signed us up this year to help out in the kitchen because the Hawaiian Luau theme seemed like it would be alot of fun. This is good for her because she is only about one croque monseur shy of being an Iron Chef. (sorry about the obscure food network reference) However, me on the other hand with my smart ass remarks and colorful adult language have no business in a kitchen serving little church children. So what did I decide to do? I decided to separate myself from the kids entirely by doing my part before the kids get there while at the same time using my God given talent of being able to make cheesy looking fake surfboards out of plywood.

Yea, I know what your thinking. What the hell do you need fake surfboards for anyways? Exactly, so I had to invent a reason that I could call this my contribution to VBS snack time. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Surfboard Tables.

They were practical, more sanitary than eating off the floor (at least they were before the kids stood on them to practice their "hang ten"), and the kids really liked them. So I finished last week with the confidence of knowing that my work here is done. Or at least that's what I thought.

Apparently the "Weird Wife" and our friend "Grand Tetons" were expecting an extra set of hands, specifically mine, to help out with the preparation of the food. So, I have been hanging around in the church kitchen after work this week to prepare food. And when I say prepare food, I actually mean, stir kool-aid. Which doesn't sound like much until you realize how much kool-aid those kids drink. Seriously, those kids drink alot of kool-aid. Gallons and gallons of kool-aid. And it wouldn't be that big of a deal except they are given little shot glass size cups that have to be refilled about 1000 times in order for the kid to consume their individual gallon of kool-aid. So instead of some new blog material, all you get is a picture of a tired and sticky me.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Tonight Bro, I Gotta Dance Dude

I couldn’t help but to think of this Dane Cook routine when I stumbled upon an idea that was hatched by the author of Fold My Laundry Please.

Well at any rate, Fold my Laundry Please had seen this video of this really lucky guy named Matt who gets to travel to all kinds of interesting places around the world. As a really cool way to show everyone where he’s been, he made the following really cool video.

So anyways, the big idea that Fold My Laundry Please had was to get all of us humor blog people to video tape ourselves doing “The Matt Dance”, and then send her a clip of it so she can compile a movie similar to Matt’s while at the same time getting a chance to learn a lot more about her blogging friends.

Like Dane Cook infers, heterosexual guys don’t just volunteer to dance so this will be a rare sight for all the regular visitors to this Weird World. Stay tuned to this blog for further details as I intend to have the video of my so called dancing posted some time next week.

Friday, June 20, 2008

Friday Porn Food (Not to be confused with 'Friday Food Porn')

Since Fracas hasn't made her Friday post highlighting food that naturally looks pornographic, I have decided to fill in for her somewhat by providing my own style of post. This morning instead of fruit that looks like porn, I would like to present to you porn that looks like fruit.
In this first picture, you can clearly see how these pert little breast resemble the European Gala
Pear. A pair of pears if you will.

While these huge natural watermelon sized breasts resemble the North American Butternut Squash. Look out, those things could squash you.

And you can also see that the surgically augmented breasts in this next picture are shaped exactly like Midwestern Honeydew melons. Honey, I would do those melons.

And for those naughty ladies out there, here is this picture of a male part that resembles a Podhalanska Sausage. And you thought I would say cucumber didn't you?

And of course this close up of a woman with genital herpes looks exactly like a Horned Acorn Squash. (gag reflex suppressed)
With all this titillating material in this post, I sure hope that the Blogger web server doesn't censor the images...wait a minute...where are the images? Oh well, I guess there is too much porn on the Internet anyway.
Now help get your mind out of the gutter by reading some humor blogs over at

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Coming Up With A Design For The Red Bull Soap Box Race Is Really Hard

So me, my brother and our friend were sitting drunk around a campfire the other night and decided we would enter the Red Bull Soap box Derby just for something crazy to do. Since our friend is a machinist and welder who can build the car, and my brother is the crazy flamboyant showman who would make the perfect driver, it ended up being my job to provide the creative design for our car. Time is running out for the June 30th deadline to submit the design to the Red Bull officials, and I still haven’t decided on the final design for the car. So this is where all of you fine folks of the blogosphere can help me out. Below I have several possible designs that I need to choose from, and I need you to tell me which is best.

The first one up is a design I immediately came up with when posed with the challenge of designing this type of soap box car.

Name: The Jager-bomb-mobile

Pros: We'll never get thirsty with this car, and it's bound to be a crowd favorite.

Cons: Possible DUI while racing it, and the logistics of suspending the bottle and can in mid air would be overwhelming.

This next one is a Swedish inspired model that can represent all the health care professionals at the event.

Name: The Heart-that-exploded-from-drinking-too-much-Red Bull-at-one-time-mobile

Pros: It will be the REAL Heartbeat of America.

Cons: 800 gallons of fake blood could get a little messy.

This next one is actually an incomplete design.

Name: The I'm-not-skilled-enough-to-draw-a-drunk-chic-puking-in-this-toilet-after-drinking-too-many-jager bombs-mobile

Alternate Name: The Family Poopster

Pros: No need to find a seat for the car because it's already built in, and porcelain is very aerodynamic.

Cons: People would want to take a shat in our car, and the driver would get 'shat house polio' if the race went too long.

This last one is for security measures.

Name: The Just-in-case-we-were-mixed-up-and-this-is-a-Flugtag-mobile

Pros: We can use it again if they happen to have a Flugtag next year.

Cons: None, the combination flugtag-soapbox car is the perfect vehicle for Red Bull promotional contests.

While I am working on the design for our car, enjoy watching this video of the worst crashes at the last Red Bull soap box race.

So now race on over to

Monday, June 16, 2008

The Search Is Over, You've Finally Found...Well...This Stupid Blog


I almost didn’t post this because another blogger beat me to the punch, but then I realized how petty that would look. So here it is. Thanks to the technological wonder that is Google Analytics, I bring you the top 10 funniest searches that brought people to my blog.

1. Shaved Brittany Spears naked – I am not sure what part of Brittany this person wanted to see shaved. I want to say that they were hoping she shaved her lower regions at the same time as her head, but then again there is some weird stuff in internet porn so maybe they actually like to see bald headed naked chicks.

2. Racism at Best buy – The search criteria isn’t funny. What’s funny is the fact that 466 people typed in that search, and spent more than 3 hours reading the blog post about me being singled out by electronics salesmen just because I am nerdy looking.

3. Global warming joke, or global warming jokes, or “global warming jokes”, or “global warming” jokes, or 2007 global warming jokes, or globle warming jokes, or globule warming jokes, or earth warming jokes, or global earth warming jokes, or global+warming+jokes, or global warming+joke, or global warming funny jokes, or global warming solution jokes, or global warming theory jokes, or global-warming jokes, or very good global warming jokes, or any of the very many other variations of this search that brought a lot of people to my blog back in the summer of 2007. – My theory behind all these searches is that Al Gore first thought he would try the humor approach to addressing the attendees of that Global Warming concert last summer.

4. It news to me – Either Tarzan got hooked up online, or it’s another functionally illiterate web surfer who stumbled on my blog.

5. Make up your mind – Am I that indecisive that Google directs all traffic originated by searches from people who ask some non-specified person to make up their mind? Seriously, Google sent 137 people to my site after they typed that into a search bar.

6. Anal schtick comedy – On the one hand I am thrilled that Goggle sent somebody my way because they were searching for something funny, but on the other hand I am now self conscience that Google associates my blog with anything anal.

7. Composition of water vapor – I wonder if this person was surprised to eventually find out that water vapor is made up WATER that is a VAPOR.

8. Where to buy Bin Laden decoy – Maybe at the Wal-Mart in Baghdad right next to a 100 count pack of suicide bomb fuses.

9. Why are hypocritical Christians so condescending – Because they are no different inside than people who condescendingly call Christians hypocritical?

10. Fastest way to spread language – With a butter knife, of course.

For some reason I got that song from the Letterman show stuck in my head now. You know the one. They play it at the end of the top ten lists when the announcer says something about World Wide Pants Incorporated?
So now that you know what brings people to my blog, click on this link and see what brings me to on an almost daily basis.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

You might be forced to be a Redneck...

If the cable installer runs your new Internet line through the eave vent on the front of your house. Oh yeah, that's real nice. All my neighbors keep asking when that will be fixed. They should know. They all have Time Warner service also, and we all know what great customer support they have.

If the people who deliver your shingles use the gutter as a top step above their ladder. My brother-in-law (the roofer) actually bent the gutter back into place so it is still semi-usable so the picture doesn't really show the extent of the damage.

I can't really put all the blame on other people though, because this last example is the result of something bone headed that I did. I closed the garage door on top of a chair. The front leg was just barely forward of those sensors that stops the door opener from closing on things, so it just kept on closing on the chair and mangling the door into a twisted mess before I could get my crap together and hit the stop button on the garage door opener.

By the way, those white specks near the top of the door are actually cat paw prints. apparently Sneaky Pete is part cat/part ninja.

So now go to and discover some people with ninja like senses of humor.

I've Been Cock-Blocked

Or at least that's how the weird wife described what happened when the company installed software that blocks my access to most anything non-work related on the web. I should have known this would happen sooner or later. I was spending a little too much time on these "non-work related" things. Unfortunately, the accounting software that links the different company divisions in 4 different states and Canada also kept being blocked. So even if I wanted to work, I still couldn't.

So basically that's my excuse for not updating my blog. Which I know is a real bad thing to do after you have actually gotten some readers. And that reminds me to thank everyone who stopped by and checked out my naked man-boobs (or would that be moobs?).

So now go and check out the boobs who write funny blogs here at

Thursday, June 5, 2008

What else did I do that I will regret later?

I have absolutely no recollection of making the previous post last night.

So imagine my surprise this morning when I opened up my blog to link to the other blogs I read daily, and finding that little piece of handy work. Apparently, when I drink heavy enough, I turn into one of those college girls on a Girls Gone Wild video. I am just glad I had enough restraint to not drop my pants also...I think...well, hope anyways.
It looks like the blog form of drunk dialing didn't work out as planned. I know when I drink I think of alot of things that seem great, but it appears as if it doesn't actual work to try to write those things in a blog.
It seemed like a good idea at the time, but this morning I can see that it might be offensive to Fracas. Hopefully, I haven't caused her to block me from her blog or anything this morning. Please accept my apology Fracas.
Now follow me over to where I will see if funny blogs are the cure for a hangover.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008


Hey bloggers!!!

It's me Arpeggio Andy!!!!!!

I am sooooo qwasted tonioght!

I read stuff aat the Fracas blog abut people wanting to see Fracas naked so I decided to make fracas an offer. Here it is, I will show you my breasts if you show me yours! OK!

So just send me a pic of you and then when your done click here!


Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The Cult of Irrationality

It was pointed out to me that the last post and others in the Westboro Brainless Cult series may not make sense on their own. So I have decided to post the original blog entry from the old blog that started my estranged relationship with the WBC in order to make them more clear. If you are encountering this series for the first time and are planning to (actually) read the whole series, then I recommend that you read this one before clicking on the 'Letters to the Westboro Brainless Cult label' and reading from bottom to top to get the full story.

There is this church from Topeka, Kansas called the Westboro Baptist Church, or WBC for short. They are led by this guy Fred Phelps who is supposed to be a reverend, but I just can’t bring myself to refer to this guy as a man of the cloth. He just doesn’t exhibit the manner and decorum of anyone I would call a Christian. Fred and his deranged followers have created a website called God Hates, and as the name suggests, it is basically a way for them to bash gays and make it look like the Godly thing to do. But seriously, I don’t really mind the gay bashing part of the website. It’s the fact that they associate themselves with Christians that I don’t like.

This church has also shown up in the news over the last few years as they have traveled to different areas of the country to picket the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq. And why do they this? Because they think war is wrong? Nope they do it because they think homosexuality is wrong. Yea, I know. I don’t really get it either. So I actually sent them a serious e-mail asking if they could help me understand. It literally said: “I don’t understand. How is the picketing of funerals of dead soldiers associated with the government’s tolerance of homosexuals?”

So after waiting a couple of weeks, I decided to send them a second e-mail just in case something mysterious happened to the first one. Just as I hit the send button, I noticed that I had inadvertently used the word “fags” this time instead of the word “homosexuals”.

Now I don’t know if that had anything to do with the quick response, but it did seem odd to get a reply the very same day. Unfortunately, the reply made no effort to connect dead soldiers and homosexuality. So I still don't get it.

Here is the explanation I got along with my commentary for each point:

We picket the funerals of soldiers to warn the people who are still living that unless they repent, they will likewise perish.
I’m sorry; I just don’t get the repent or die message from signs that say thank God for dead soldiers.

When people go to funerals, they have thoughts of mortality, heaven, hell, eternity, etc., on their minds which is the perfect time to warn them of things to come.
Well unless they are bent over the coffin ready to take a big hard one up the butt, I don’t see how telling funeral goers that “god hates fags” can possibly prepare them for things to come. Besides, that would actually be preparing them for things to cum.

Is it mean, hateful, uncompassionate, etc.?
Do these dumb ass people seriously not know the answer to that?

I'm sure it is, according to your standards.
As well as to the standards of the entire rest of the world that believes in showing respect for people who have suffered a loss. The WBC disgusts me.

However, according to my standards, it would be infinitely more mean, hateful, uncompassionate, etc., to keep my mouth shut and not warn you that you, too, will soon have to face God.
It may be mean not to warn people, but don’t you think there are much better places to berate people than at a funeral? Like maybe a Neo-Nazi rally.

Good King Josiah "brake down the houses of the sodomites, that [were] by the house of the LORD, where the women wove hangings for the grove." II Kings 23:7. "And as Josiah turned himself, he spied the sepulchres that [were] there in the mount, and sent, and took the bones out of the sepulchres, and burned [them] upon the altar, and polluted it, according to the word of the LORD which the man of God proclaimed, who proclaimed these words." II Kings 23:16. After Josiah does these things, does God say "Josiah, how can you do such a thing? How can you be so hateful and disrespectful of the dead? What about the poor mourning families of these dead bones?" No! God says "And like unto him was there no king before him, that turned to the LORD with all his heart, and with all his soul, and with all his might, according to all the law of Moses; neither after him arose there [any] like him." II Kings 23:25. God calls him the greatest king ever! What WBC does, in merely picketing funerals, is nothing compared to digging up the dead bodies and burning them!
Of course being the nit picker I am, I wondered what the missing verses in this collection of verses said. As I suspected, the ommited stuff gave the passage a different meaning. The meaning of the passage changed from God sanctioning the desecration of tombs to God sanctioning the destruction of cultic religions, such as the WBC.

Finally, Here is how much respect Jesus had for the funeral of an unrighteous man: "Jesus said unto him, let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God". Luke 9:60. Jesus commanded a man, whose father had just died, to NOT EVEN GO MOURN AT THE FUNERAL AND BURY HIM, but rather preach the kingdom of God. Hypocrites in this modern era, who think they are smarter than Christ, would open their mouths in amazement at Christ's lack of respect for a poor mourning man whose father had just died.
There they go changing the meaning of scripture again. This passage doesn’t say anything about the man being unrighteous. In fact, I think Max Lucado addressed the meaning of this parable of Jesus telling a man to not worry about his earthly father as a way of explaining that mankind still has God as a Heavenly Father.

So now that you are totally in the know on this series, check out the website and get to know some funny blogs.

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