Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Crack Kills

Do you know what's more stupid than baggy pants wearing butt pirates? The leaders in the city hall in Dallas who think that a couple of billboards are a suitable substitute for a belt. That's as stupid as the people who drive up behind you at like a hundred miles an hour and then flash their headlights at you as if for some reason their headlight switch is somehow connected to your gas pedal. These billboards aren't gonna have any affect on people who probably can't even read them in the first place. I should know, they wrote me e-mails after a previous blog I wrote and many were indecipherable.

Seriously, are a couple of billboards gonna make the dumb ass baggy pants wearers smart enough to figure out that they could actually walk if they would just pull up their pants. Heck no! But you know what would? A "Billy Club". That's right, all they really had to do was make a law allowing Police officers the right to pummel any gay wad with his baggy pants hanging down below his butt. There you go, problem solved.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

From The News Desk Of Sneaky Pete

In world news this week, the ‘functionally retarded’ President George W. Bush actually did something right for the first time in his presidency by pushing for tougher sanctions against the country of Iran while at the same time doing the wrong thing by not giving the orders to bomb the crap out of Iran. After returning from a trip to Tehran to visit the ‘Israeli hating’ Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the ‘two faced’ Russian president Vladimir Putin declared that Russia will continue to build an atomic power plant for use by the country of Iran despite agreeing with Bush that it was not in the best interest of the entire world for Iran to have the capacity to make a nuclear weapon. In this Anchorcat’s opinion, the US should assume that everything Russia is doing is part of plot to attack America.
In U.S. News this week, Congress passed a new law making it illegal for cat owners to feed their cat anything but raw tuna.

Tuesday, October 9, 2007

PET(A) Food

After reading an article about PETA's protest at a Procter and Gamble board meeting, I find myself having to send yet another e-mail to PETA.

Dear PETA,

We are delighted to be able to take you up on your recent offer that was strongly implied through yesterdays protest at a Procter and Gamble board meeting in Cincinnati. We would like to commend your volunteers for their selfless contributions, and without whom many animals would suffer needlessly.

Over the last few years we at P&G have searched for new alternatives to using dogs and cats for the testing of Iams pet food. While the testing of pet foods on pets in the home is currently in practice today through our test marketing process, it has been determined to be rather unfeasible for pet foods that are in the early stages of development. Therefore testing is still required to be done on large scale sample groups within the confines of the development facility.

Thanks to the inspiration from your protesters and their strong interest in the testing performed at our Iams plant, we are proud to say that we will no longer have to perform animal testing at any of our facilities worldwide.

In preparation for the implementation of the new plan we have several requirements that will be required of your volunteers. First, we will need between 50 and 60 of these individuals to conduct scientific studies. Second, we would require that they be of rather small stature as the cages they will be kept in were originally meant for canines. And most importantly, the volunteers must be devoid of any allergies to rodents, insects, horses, fish oils, pig entrails, formaldehyde, and phosphates as these may be commonly found in many pet foods.

We will expect to see the PETA test subjects at our Dayton Iams facility in about two weeks. By that time all of the pets should be completely removed and completely relocated to their new homes in the testing labs of our newly acquired rat poisoning plant.

On behalf of all of the management of P&G we would again like to thank PETA for such a generous offer for help in eliminating the testing at our Iams plant.

J.R. (Bob) Downs

I as always won't expect to hear back from them because sure they will moan about not wanting animals for necessary tasks, but they wouldn't even be remotely committed enough to take the place of the animals.

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Breasts Not Boobs

Have you heard of this unusual anti-war campaign called “Breasts Not Bombs”? At first I thought this had to be a good thing because hey, how could I possibly have any problem with naked boobs. But then it occurred to me that these people are really confused. First of all, the radical Islamists we are fighting are going to be angered that much more by American women flashing their boobs because it only furthers their belief that ‘Idealistic Americans' are trying to “destroy” their religion. But more importantly, what would happen if we took them seriously? That’s right. What if we took these topless protesters, put them inside a couple of Air Force bombers and then dropped them over Iraq? I really don’t think these breasts would have nearly the destructive power of the bombs they would replace. So therefore these women need to start flashing their boobs for campaigns that would make a lot more sense, like maybe gun control. Yep, I’d much rather hold a breast than a gun.

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