PET(A) Food

After reading an article about PETA's protest at a Procter and Gamble board meeting, I find myself having to send yet another e-mail to PETA.

Dear PETA,

We are delighted to be able to take you up on your recent offer that was strongly implied through yesterdays protest at a Procter and Gamble board meeting in Cincinnati. We would like to commend your volunteers for their selfless contributions, and without whom many animals would suffer needlessly.

Over the last few years we at P&G have searched for new alternatives to using dogs and cats for the testing of Iams pet food. While the testing of pet foods on pets in the home is currently in practice today through our test marketing process, it has been determined to be rather unfeasible for pet foods that are in the early stages of development. Therefore testing is still required to be done on large scale sample groups within the confines of the development facility.

Thanks to the inspiration from your protesters and their strong interest in the testing performed at our Iams plant, we are proud to say that we will no longer have to perform animal testing at any of our facilities worldwide.

In preparation for the implementation of the new plan we have several requirements that will be required of your volunteers. First, we will need between 50 and 60 of these individuals to conduct scientific studies. Second, we would require that they be of rather small stature as the cages they will be kept in were originally meant for canines. And most importantly, the volunteers must be devoid of any allergies to rodents, insects, horses, fish oils, pig entrails, formaldehyde, and phosphates as these may be commonly found in many pet foods.

We will expect to see the PETA test subjects at our Dayton Iams facility in about two weeks. By that time all of the pets should be completely removed and completely relocated to their new homes in the testing labs of our newly acquired rat poisoning plant.

On behalf of all of the management of P&G we would again like to thank PETA for such a generous offer for help in eliminating the testing at our Iams plant.

Sincerely,

J.R. (Bob) Downs

I as always won't expect to hear back from them because sure they will moan about not wanting animals for necessary tasks, but they wouldn't even be remotely committed enough to take the place of the animals.