Tuesday, April 29, 2008

I'm probably going to hell for this.

Once again I have decided to post a ludicrous question at an online forum in order to watch people go ape shlizt over it. I asked the following question to the members of a Christian forum under the heading “Scriptural Questions”. I got more than 651 replies to this question. I was hoping it would get up to 666 so I could add a reply that would make reference to it, but I think the site closes out threads after a certain period of time. I can’t post them all, but here are my top 10 favorite answers in no particular order. I added some commentary in parenthesis.
In the official bible of my local church: ‘The Divine Tome of Satanic Ritual”, we satanic worshipers are instructed to burn the holy sepulcher of the house of David. Can anyone explain to me exactly what that means?
1. No. (Then why did this person reply?)

2. That not a church, that’s a occult. You should get out of there fast.

3. At this church do they sing Ozzy songs for hymms? (Right before we bite the heads off bats)

4. You think that’s funny you little Bassterd? (??? That’s not a Christian-like answer)

5. Satanits r stupid and so r u.

6. Thats probably HOME and not TOME.

7. Hey buddy that word is spelled SCEPTOR. (Really?)

8. Can you explain to me why you want to go to hell you satanist?

9. We can’t answer questions about satanic scripture here. (And I got 651 answers that prove that)

10. If you burn those things down it will probably be terrorism.

You aren’t missing anything with just these 10 replies. For the most part the others were pretty dull reading.

Friday, April 25, 2008

Tales From The Possum Hunter

This week’s episode titled: “Packin’ Heat”

The time came several weeks ago when I had to give up the pastime of trapping because my grandfather needed his trap back in order to deal with some predators that were threatening his chicken coup. After returning the trap to my grandfather, I started thinking maybe I shouldn’t totally retire from hunting (or at least deterring) the varmints that discover the small animal paradise that is our back yard. So I went to Wally World and procured for myself a form of small arms. Very small arms in fact. That’s right; I got me a pellet gun. I am now packing some CO2 powered heat.

After spending the better part of an hour trying to cut into the bullet proof plastic packaging that the gun and accompanying can of pellets are sold in, I began the informal process of self-training myself in the ways of pellet gun safety. As per the instructions, I schooled myself in the proper way to handle the mock berretta handgun. But mainly I just tried to figure out how to get the safety lock off the trigger.

After mastering the skills to load the CO2 cartridge into the handle and the pellets into the clip, I took the side arm in hand and headed outside. I was concerned about the neighbors seeing any type of gun in the hands of someone who occasionally has to deal with cats in the possum hunting process, so I opted for using the garage in my quest to see what kind of destructive power there is from a pellet moving at 400 feet per second. I was disappointed to discover that it isn’t enough to go through a piece of particle board, but it is, however, enough to sting when it hits you in the arm after ricocheting off of a piece of particle board.

After inspecting the damage on the board, I noticed that the pellet left a pretty good size dent so obviously the adolescent brain of this carefree man-child began to wonder if a pellet would completely pierce the board if held about foot away. I decided to be smart this time, or at least smarter, and hold the gun at an angle away from me so that the ricocheting pellet wouldn’t hit me this time. I held the gun at arms length, and squeezed the trigger. POW, SMACK, CLACK, CLANK, THUD, PING! I had to duck for cover as the pellet furiously bounced back and forth through the garage. Apparently the angle was too great and the pellet was totally deflected by the board. As far as I can ascertain, the pellet hit the board (SMACK!), then the work bench (CLACK!), and a flower pot (CLANK!) before grazing the deep freezer (THUD) and finally colliding into the lawn mower handle (PING!).

Armed with this new weapon against the local marsupials, I marched back into the house and secured a militarily strategic position next to the breakfast nook window and waited for an encroaching possum. As the sun began to set, I spotted a possum waddling into my pellet gun protected territory. Slowly…quietly…I began to slide the window open, but it wasn’t stealth enough. The movement and sound were detected by the possum’s superior natural radar, and he retreated to the safety of the demilitarized zone of my neighbor’s yard.
Unfortunately, I don’t think there will ever be a different scenario. The only way to get a clear shot is also the way that I will always be detected. So it looks like the pellet gun can only be used as a psychological weapon in what has suddenly became a cold war against the possums.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Business Travel Blues

I just got back from the "I.E.E.E.&P.E.S. T.&D. C.&E." No really, that's the acronym for it! It stands for the Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers and Power Engineering Society Transmission and Distribution Conference and Exposition. Apparently the people who put this together don't realize the point of acronyms being to shorten up a reference to something.

I think I should stop flying on company owned aircraft. Apparently 50% of the air transport trips I have taken have left me stranded far from home due to something that has broken within the aircraft. One of these times something critical is going to break when we aren't safely on the ground.

I think Chicago must be home to the worst drivers in the country. These idiots have absolutely no concept of space or time. Such as the unusually long period of time after a light turns red that they decide to go through the intersection, or the space already occupied by a vehicle on the opposite side of the road that they have decided is now their own personal passing lane.

The only thing worse is the pedestrians. You would think that with all the idiots that run red lights and drive on the wrong side of the road that they would know to look out for 2 ton cars barreling through intersections.

Those stupid Chicagoans should be shot..oh, wait...they were shooting each other last weekend. Never mind.

Wanna know what is the best way to kill a really expensive dinner? Invite a bunch of company salesmen that have been practicing the "fake sales guy rapport" for at least 15 years. Thankfully alcohol is integral to the salesman way of life so the gin and tonics made it bearable.

Monday, April 21, 2008

The Shine Diaries: The Bus Came By And I Got On

I had a good day on Saturday. I didn't worry about things I usually worry about. I didn't worry about the aging roof on our house, or about my diminishing guitar skills as a result of not having enough time to play, or about my cat being missing at a time when the neighborhood's crazy old man expressed a strong desire to kill him. I was completely worry free. I think this may be the real reason why God hath provided alcohol to mankind. Sometimes you need chemicals to help keep the mind in order.

To be more descriptive about Saturday, the wife and I jumped on a company sponsored party bus to the Keeneland horse racing park in Lexington Kentucky. With all you can drink beer provided on the bus, I was supposed to drink beer from 10am to 10pm, but wound up only drinking beer till about 8pm. But don't think that I was playing it safe or anything. I kicked things up a notch by bringing a flask of a southern style beverage that I will call "vodka" in order to guarantee my drunkenness. This may be the reason I can't seem to remember large parts of the day.

I do remember the wife picking some horses that raced strong though. We won place-shows for like three races, and came real close on a few others and one that won. We only had like 2 complete duds of horses. I almost forgot till I remembered this morning (a day after writing this) that the winner she picked was a horse called old time religion ridden by Jesus (probably pronounced hay-zoos). If I had known the wife could pull the names of winning horses out of her butt like that, we would have wagered more than a cheapskate 2 bucks for each of the 10 races and won more than the 5 bucks we pocketed. I also remember some pretty good food. You gotta try the beef hot dogs if you're ever at Keeneland. The Burgoo is worth a try also. The wife didn't like it, but I thought it was OK, it was very beefy.

I know I was supposed to write these posts while I was drinking, but in all seriousness, I think I am still drunk this long after so technically this would qualify for the Shine Diaries.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept...

I planned on writing a quick piece about tales from the Possum hunter, but after Tuesday’s discovery of the WBC press release and my decision to act on it, I have decided to give ya an update on that situation.

Since moving a lot of people to be a “human wall” would be too difficult in just one week, and the fact that it may be a mute point with the expected very large turn out, I have opted to undertake the ‘covert intercept plan’. Here is the e-mail I sent to the WBC to get the plan rolling.
Dear WBC,

You may remember me from a recent e-mail conversation where we compared the similarities of our theological beliefs. After discovering the recently posted news release on your website regarding the picketing of the Maupin funeral, I have decided to offer my help to you while you are in the Cincinnati area. I have already scouted out the prime location at the civic center for you to shout out the true word of God to all the sinful people who support the military of this sinful fag tolerant nation. Since the public funeral will be held in the difficult to access downtown area, I have begun to plan out the closest and most convenient rally point where we can get together and prepare things before heading to the stadium. For both locations, directions are very difficult and may be confusing to someone not familiar with the intricacies of the Cincinnati metropolitan area, so therefore I have also planned out the best route to take while leading you to each location. Please contact me soon so we can concur on our plan of action.

Freddy Heddar
I don’t know exactly how I am going to lose them in the boonies yet, but I can figure that out when/if they respond.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The Perfect Storm

According to a press release by the Westboro Brainless Cult, they are planning to come to my town to picket the funeral of Keith (Matt) Maupin. I really want to mess with these guys and this would be the perfect chance. Besides it would be truly wrong to try to disgrace Matt Maupin at his funeral. For those who may not know, Matt was the first soldier to be missing in action in the Iraq war and his parents have just been a wreck for the last 4 years (?) worrying about their son in the hands of angry towel head extremist. I would hate to see them put through more crap by the picketing from those nut jobs of the WBC. I really think something should be done, but I am not sure what. Here is a list of the possibilities.

1. Buy all the discounted off-mixed paint from home improvement stores and throw it on their picket signs. Or better yet, use paintball guns and give them a scare at the same time.

2. Get some tractor trailer drivers from the nearest truck stop to park their big rigs between where they are permitted to picket and where the funeral will take place thereby blocking them from sight.

3. Pass the word around to every Armed Forces Reserve station, VFW Hall, Motorcycle shop and Church in the area and push to get hundreds of thousands of people with supportive picket signs to camouflage or even force out the WBC picketing. (On further review I believe this could actually work if action started today)

4. And lastly my personal favorite, write them another e-mail and offer to direct them to the funeral location. Then lead them out to the middle of nowhere and leave them totally lost.
In all honesty, I may not have to do anything myself in order to see something happen to the WBC. I am pretty sure there is already a ton of people planning to go since the public funeral will be at the Reds Ballpark. With the high profile nature of this funeral, the Maupins connection to the chopper motorcylce comunity, the strong military support in the community, and the strong interest of the cincy metro area, we may likely have the conditions for the "perfect storm" of free speech conflict. Basically, this is already expected to be a total cluster fuck that promises to lead to people putting a smack down on the WBC.
Stay tuned here for further updates. Leave me a comment if there is an option I missed.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Funny Went M.I.A.

Every so often I have one of these kinds of weeks where I know what I want to talk about in my blog, but I just can’t seem to formulate the words to express it in a humorous way. This week has been one of those weeks. I know there is something funny in this topic, but I just can’t seem to find it.
My Biography According To Click Ads

Lately I have been getting the above banner ad at my Yahoo e-mail account and have wanted to write something about how it must say something about me. That’s right. The ads you get on the internet should say a little bit about what type of person you are when you are online. This is because the big internet companies monitor everyone’s e-mails and their search bar criteria to determine what ads to display. They also have a way of tracking which ads you click on so they know in the future to show you more ads like that one. The monitoring of click ads also determines who should be paid for posting what ad, but that’s not really important to this blog.

Well anyways, I have been getting the above ad and I am not really sure I ever searched or e-mailed anything about hard liquor or mixed drinks at the Yahoo website. The closest thing to that would be a brief comment I jokingly made in another blog about being an expert on boobs and beer which could be linked to from a link that you can reach from another link that all begins at the link in my e-mail signature. I can understand the Iams dog food ads after the question I posted at Yahoo Answers, or the Champion Windows ad after specifically searching for the Champion Windows website; but seriously, Yahoo would have had to sort through a lot of links and useless information to get the information to cause them to display this ad. Now granted, there are mass marketing ads like those for soft drinks, or cars, but I highly doubt the above ad was meant for the general audience.

So here I am at the point in this blog where I should be able to write something funny about what Yahoo and Google click ads say about me. But what? Apparently these inconsequential details of my life don’t contain any jokes at all. Not even “An Iams dog walks into an online bar and asks to buy windows” kind of joke. Oh well, I guess that’s just the week I have been having.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

This and That

Those Guys Got Balls
I read the funniest article about Truck Nuts. For the sake of any doomsday cultists that have been in a cave for the last 10 years, I will explain that Truck Nuts are these fake bull balls that rednecks hang from the hitch of their truck to let everyone know that their truck is so bad ass that it has balls to the wall power, so to speak. While reading this article I began to wonder to myself; what places could you put a set of these that would be even funnier than on a truck? Like maybe one of those tiny little Smart Cars? Or maybe under a bicycle seat? Perhaps a statue of a famous person? Or better yet, on a necklace worn by Flavor Flav. I bet there are people who would give their left nut to see that!

The Polls Are Open
I have decided to start adding little poll questions in the right margin of this blog for “audience participation”. There should be a new one every week or so.

Coffee Glorious Coffee!
Due to a water main break down the street from where I work, the water had to be shut off to the fountains, sinks, and regrettably the coffee maker in order to prevent the consumption of contaminated water. Thankfully the water was left running in the bathrooms. Needless to say, this has been the most tiring week. I never realized how many walking dead people worked here. I apologize for not writing any more this week and for not being able to focus on one topic, but I think I sprained my brain.

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