Friday, May 30, 2008

It Done Went Down

I got an e-mail from a reader asking; "What gives, I thought you would update us on your evil plan to foil the WBC?" I originally didn’t have an answer because I was both unable to find anything funny to write about, and ashamed of myself for trying to find something funny to write about concerning a soldiers funeral. But, the main thing is, I never got a reply to my e-mail offering "help" and there was absolutely no media coverage of their visit, so I had nothing to really write about. In addition, there turned out to be about 3000 members of the Patriot Guard that stood outside during the ceremony. So, I think maybe, somebody else beat me to the idea of forming a "Human Wall" between the ballpark and the nuts.

There is actually some humorous stuff to post concerning this event. That would of course be the
WBC's laughable account of what happened. Allow me to elaborate my point with some commentary (in white text) of some of the finer points from the WBC "Field Report" (in blue text).

"They were expecting so many people to come look at the carcass that they had the funeral at the Great American Ball Park. Did he say the Great American Ball Park? Yes, I said the Great American Ball Park. Where the Cincinnati Reds play."

So where exactly did these R-tards expect 10,000 people to pay respects to him? Did he say 10,000 people showed up? Yes, I said 10,000 people showed up.

"It didn’t turn out to go quite as planned, but, come on, people. God just kicked your backside. You might as well drop your pants and moon Him."

I’m sure they would like that. The WBC seems to have a fetish for gays and anal sex.

“The next day, we headed over to Cincinnati. On the way in, we saw a billboard that said something like “please join us in worshipping Matt Maupin’s carcass.” They may have worded a little differently, but that was the gist.”

The billboard said; “Remember Matt Maupin”. If they consider the act of remembering to be a form of worship, then wouldn’t the fact that they are recalling the funeral in their blog mean that they too are worshipping SSgt. Maupin?

“We were greeted outside the Great American Ball Park by the Cincinnati SWAT team.”

No you weren’t.

“Apparently, the biker chicks had called in and said they were going have thousands of people, and they were ready to kill us, or maim us, or do something really bad to us that would justify having the SWAT team out there.”

If you would stop calling them biker CHICKS, they might not want to beat the crap out of you. The only reason there was no confrontation is because the WBC was cowering so far away from the place that they were not associated with the funeral at all. They were across the street and 2 blocks way as seen in these pictures. Note the parking sign in the top left corner of the first picture.

Notice that the policeman is crossing at the second to last intersection before the highway.

Here is the big picture from google maps.

“I saw enough biker chicks and military mutts to make me wonder if we were accidentally picketing a costume party, or perhaps a Village People lookalike convention - I kept waiting for some guy dressed up like an Indian to show up, but alas, it never happened.”

The Indian would have made the scene complete, especially if the Village Peoples cowboy also showed up.

Anyways, how would they know? They weren’t even close enough to see anyone at the funeral.

“There was one event at this picket that will bear noting, and that is a puddle of high ranking marines assaulted some of our women.”

Really? With the hoards of media coverage, ten thousand attendees, and more photographs posted online than I have ever encountered for a single subject, you would think there would be some sign of this assault you speak of.

“We like to call it “Iwo Jima II”, because such bravery hasn’t been seen since Iwo Jima I.”

I don’t know what history books you’ve read, but there was no assault of women in the battle of Iwo Jima in the history books I have read. Did you really think people will believe this “revelation” of WWII history? Seriously, if you are going to lie, you’ve got to make it believable.

“These arrogant asses were saying stuff like “I am a killing machine!” and “F*** God!” and when the cops finally got into gear and escorted them away, “I am not leaving until they do what I say!”

What kind of person would just go to a funeral to yell obscenities at strangers? Oh yeah, that’s right! The WBC does that! Since there would be no reason for anyone to venture 2 blocks away from the ballpark, the WBC is clearly a bunch of hypocritical liars. According to this picture, the people that had to be escorted away were the members of the WBC.

“Now, don’t you have a fellow marine to rape and kill, bury under the BBQ in your back yard, and then run off to Mexico so you can avoid the death penalty?”

Dude, wrong military story. What? Do you have Alzheimer’s or something? You’re not even in the right state for that protest.

After this point, the WBC’s account of the event just drifts into one of their usual little tirades of misquoted scriptures. So I will discontinue my commentary here and just let this be the conclusion of this blog series.



Now grab your picket sign and head over to and protest the posting of this blog.



Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Is it me or is there a lot of weird warped news this morning?

Who Put The Small Child In Charge Of Tying Down The Balloon?

The record setting free fall attempt of Frenchman, Michel Fournier was left blowing in the wind when his $200,000 hot air balloon came free from its tethers. The Frenchman was quoted as saying. “I told you that you should have tied it to the stroller.”

I Told You So!

It’s pretty scary when some numb-nut blogger beats the International Atomic Energy Agency to the punch, especially when it was done by nothing more than connecting the similarities between three different news headlines. Apparently Iran’s Nuclear Holocaust plans are coming on the heels of The IAEA’s "intellectual holocaust". Arpeggio Andy was quoted as saying, “Shouldn’t more people than me be worried about this?”

Supply And Demand, My Butt!

According to reports from the Department of Transportation, there hasn’t been this few people on the road for Memorial Day Weekend since 1942! Seriously, more people drove during the gas shortage of the 70’s than did last weekend. If demand was that low, then why didn’t the prices drop? GOTCHA BITCHES!

He Kame, He Saw, He Konquered

Kaptain (Robbie) Knievel did his best Fonzie impression as he jumped 24 beverage delivery trucks (equivalent to 96 garbage cans) to beat the record for the longest jump set by his whack job dad, Evel. After making the jump look easy, one spectator was quoted as saying, “I think I had a better chance of being accosted by Chris Henry this close to Cincinnati, than Kaptain Knievel had of missing that jump.”

So now jump on over to for news on the latest funny blogs.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Looks like those fellers are fixin’ to have a good ol’ fashioned SCAM OFF!

So the other day I got this spam e-mail in my inbox from somebody attempting a cleverly reworked version of the old Nigerian Bank Scam. You know the type; I would post the e-mail but the wording is always so choppy that they are annoying to read. They always say something about having tens of millions of dollars that need to be received through you as a silent partner. Only this one is clever because they are supposedly giving you an account number in the e-mail. While reading it, I recalled another spam e-mail I got recently that was from a fake banker in Australia. After a quick check of recently deleted spam, I found that the two e-mails are likely from two different people attempting the same scam. So I get the bright idea to mess with these people with a plan that is basically fighting fraud with fraud.

I first started off by sending the fake South African banker the e-mail I received from the fake Australian banker. Then I sent to the fake Australian banker the e-mail I got from the fake South African banker thereby making myself a liaison of sorts between two fake bankers. I had also upped the ante in each e-mail to a $5 BILLION dollar cut of a total $15.6 BILLION dollar “endangered” account. Obviously they both thought they had hit the motherload of e-mail fraud victims as they replied very quickly.

Despite the extreme stupidity that I realized was being displayed in getting myself involved in a situation that might implicate me in the fraud, I nonetheless decided to continue since I rationalized that I was actually doing both of them a favor by putting the two mutually interested parties in contact with each other. Both “bankers” replied by sending requests for personal information. No big deal, I expected that. The difference was the South African “banker” insisted an account be opened in South Africa, whereas the Australian “banker” insisted that the other opens a local account. Which theoretically meant that they could use the same bank. So they apparently weren’t working the scam after all which I hoped would have some interesting or humorous outcome.

I then proceeded by relaying the replies to each party which led to the South African supposedly opening an account under the Australians name with the South African bank. The South African had difficulty decoding the account number that the Australian claimed was coded with the “world standard” for bank security software. Incidentally the coded account number “واحد اثنان ثلاثة أربعة خمسة ستة سبعة ثمانيه تسعة عشرة ” is actually Arabic words spelling out the numbers one through ten. The Australian had just as much trouble while trying to locate the NBSA bank of South Africa as there seems to be no such financial institution.

I would like to say that something funny happened at this point, or there was some interesting revelation about the way that online scam artists work, but I can’t. After not having any success with their intended victims through a tactic of rushing them to do something quickly without thinking, they basically just gave up and looked toward their next possible victim. This was just very anticlimactic. I even feel like I have been cheated out of an enjoyable experience. How dare they leave me high and dry like this?! They owe me some material that I can make fun of in a blog!

So now go and open your own account here and become a member of the community.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Do you suppose I can put "worked in customer service" on my resume'?

Earlier this week the home phone rang and as usual I ignored it because 99% of the calls we get aren’t for me anyways. After a very brief conversation, the wife hung up and said to me; “That’s funny, it was somebody asking if this was Parade of Shoes”.
This reminded of a little story I can tell all of you little bloggers out there in blog land.
Long, long ago, in the hip happening year of 2003. Back before the Iraq war became a total quagmire, and before you needed a second mortgage to afford gasoline. There was once a company that printed phone books in the state of Maryland. One day, this printing company mistakenly printed the phone number of my sweet little bachelor pad condo in northwest Cincy as the number for the Parade of Shoes Connecticut based corporate billing offices. So, if an angry Parade of Shoes customer in Maryland had a billing problem, they called me to complain about it. And I lived happily ever after as I was able to entertain myself for months with this scenario…the end.
Naturally as the bachelor I was in those days, it was not unusual for me to unwind from a stressful day of work by stripping down to my underwear and kicking back with a bottle of vodka. Then just as I would get “loosened up” from the alcohol, I would get a call from some woman who had a discrepancy on her credit card bill. Most of the time it would be a boring call from a fairly courteous woman, and I would quietly inform her that the number was a misprinting. But the best times were when it was some total b-otch who wouldn’t stop yelling long enough for me to tell her it was a wrong number because being the comedian (or maybe bastard) that I am, I always had to mess them.
When it first started, the plan was always just to give them a fake runaround. I would ask the woman to “please hold”, and then I would put the phone down for a few minutes before coming back. Then I would pick up the phone and casually say, “Where may I direct your call?” to which she would ask in an irritated voice to speak to someone about her bill. So I would say, “Please hold for billing”. Then after another couple minutes, I would casually say “Shipping department, how can I help you?” and there would usually be a brief pause as she would recognize the same voice as before. And in an even more irritated voice would insist that her call is for billing. So, I would “put her on hold” again and then come back and say, “Sales department, how many pairs would you like to purchase?” and she would usually recognize the same voice for the third time which would maker her really mad. So typically after yelling into the phone to speak to my manager, I would of course, you got it, take the call as the manager. Then finally when she would get to the point where she would say that she will never deal with Parade of Shoes again, I would say, “Oh, this isn’t Parade of Shoes, it’s Shoe Parade. We are, in no way, affiliated with Parade of Shoes.”
As I grew tired of the fake runaround game, I began taking calls as a billing representative. After hearing about the complaint, I would assure her that the problem would be fixed immediately, no matter what it was. And I do mean ‘no matter what’. Even if the woman thought a 10% discount on $50 shoes would make her bill $20. This by the way would shut her up very quickly; Hmm, I may have to try this with a screaming infant next time I’m near one. Anyways, I would always say that I will have to first clear the purchase through the inventory system before the billing system would allow any changes, and would first need to know the brand, style, size, store where they were purchased, salesman’s name, serial number, receipt number, inventory number, and the destitute third world country where they were manufactured which should all be easily found on either the receipt or the box. Incidentally, when she would tell me the size and serial number off the box, I would inform her that the serial number doesn’t correspond to a size 6 (for example) shoe, it actually corresponds to a size 12 shoe. After asking if she was SURE she wears a size 6 and is not just trying to flatter me, I would regretfully inform her that the discrepancy in shoe and box will make this process more difficult. When they of course couldn’t come up with all the information, I would inform her that we have to use the security cameras at the store to verify that she bought, not stole them. I would then ask what she looks like, what she wore that day, what any companions looked like, and if she has any easily identifiable tattoos. After (and I am not making this up) receiving this information from the caller, I would inform her that we will review all the tape from the store during the time she was there and then send that tape to the department of customer account verification, who would send the report to the bill editing department who would fix the problem. Then I would tell them to look for the changes on their bill after the next 3 months.
By the way, I thought
this forum was funny when I found it at Yahoo answers.
I also thought
these blogs were really funny when I found them at

Friday, May 9, 2008

Hypermiling: Justification for Being an Asshole

There is a group of people that think the threat of $4.00 per gallon gasoline is the biggest problem facing American motorists today, when in actuality it is these very people who are the biggest problem for drivers today. I of course am disdainfully referring to Hypermilers; a group of people who contend that they can save gas by doing nothing more than driving like an asshole. If you are unaware of the practice of hypermiling, it involves the following dumb ass tactics.

1. Drafting behind semis in order to risk your life to save 3 cents per mile. This is a technique where you put yourself closer to the ass of a truck driver than the crap stains on his underwear. That’s right. Who needs to see if there is any stopped traffic ahead while driving 70 mph behind a semi? The problem of course is when the truck brakes and that hypermiling asshole has to run you off the road to get over before slamming into the back of the semi.

2. Accelerating slowly at a green light despite the fact that the gas you save while slowly accelerating to the speed limit is going to end up being spent again because you are accelerating comparatively longer in order to reach that speed. Yep, there’s nothing like sitting for 3 times as long at a traffic light because only one hypermiler at a time can get through at an acceleration rate equivalent to that of snot oozing from a toddlers nose.

3. Turning off your engine when approaching a red light despite the fact that restarting your engine will use more gas than you saved when the engine was off. Yep, there’s nothing like sitting for 4 times as long at that same light because some dumb ass hypermiler is fumbling to restart the engine as the light is switching from green to yellow. This apparently works just as well when approaching stop signs, well that is if you’re comfortable losing the ability to steer while the ignition is in the off mode. Some cars also lose brakes. But who cares about steering and braking, when you can at least LOOK like you are saving gas. Even if it did save gas, wouldn’t using the extra gas be cheaper than buying a new transmission?

4. Turning off the engine while drafting behind a semi in order to coast farther to the highway exit ramp. Dude, you can’t make this crap up. For those keeping track, that would be no engine power, no brakes, no steering while traveling at dangerous highway speeds behind a potentially car crushing semi. I should probably mention that this would also require no brains since turning the engine off also disables the airbag. I have not actually seen this, but this has been written about and it even has it’s own term. Draft assisted forced auto stop. Interesting enough, it takes longer to read that term than it takes for the semi to kill your dumb ass.

5. Parking on a hill to use gravity to get rolling again. Do these dumb asses have any idea how much gas they probably waste in the process to back their car up onto a hill? Seriously, I’m just asking.

6. Running stop signs to keep from using the breaks so they can continue coasting. I bet parents who think their kids are relatively safe when playing in their sub-division will enjoy knowing about this practice. What are these people thinking? Hey, why just be a hazard to other drivers? Why not put pedestrians in danger as well. Are these assholes as psychotic as Charles Manson?

There is no way they save enough gas while coasting to counteract the cost of getting a ticket. If that’s not a problem, then there is no way that this driving style can be worth it with the damage it will do to your car. Or if you’re independently wealthy, then there is no way this can be worth the prison time for killing someone. Seriously, what kind of assholes do these people have to be?
Check out the Hyper-funny blogs at

Tuesday, May 6, 2008


I spent a large portion of this morning in a very important business meeting with our biggest customer. Here's a pop quiz.
Which of the following double meaning statements was stressed repeatedly by the customer's representative, within a 5 minute period, that made it difficult for me to keep from laughing?

1) I need a stiff member...
2) You have to spread the legs open wide...
3) ...he reached into a wet box.
4) This box will take a massive load.
This is actually a trick question. The answer is ALL the above! Needless to say, I had to excuse myself from this meeting. Contrary to what you may now beleive, I do not work in the porn industry. The meeting was actually about an electrical cabinet, or box, that needed a cross beam, or stiff member, to keep the linemen from having to spread the (support) legs apart" to prevent water leakage that would make it a wet box thereby causing problems with the busbars that carry a large amount of current, or load. Really!
So now go here and "read some blogs", if you know what I mean. (wink-wink)

Sunday, May 4, 2008

The Highlight of Myles' Day

I was curious to know what my wife's little dog does for 9 hours a day when we are at work. So, I set up my video camera to record in long play mode (unfortunately that is also low quality mode), and aimed it into his room. I got 8 hours, 58 minutes, and 35 seconds of the most boring footage you can image and this 1 minute 25 second gem perfect for posting on the Weird Warped blog.

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