Friday, May 9, 2008

Hypermiling: Justification for Being an Asshole

There is a group of people that think the threat of $4.00 per gallon gasoline is the biggest problem facing American motorists today, when in actuality it is these very people who are the biggest problem for drivers today. I of course am disdainfully referring to Hypermilers; a group of people who contend that they can save gas by doing nothing more than driving like an asshole. If you are unaware of the practice of hypermiling, it involves the following dumb ass tactics.

1. Drafting behind semis in order to risk your life to save 3 cents per mile. This is a technique where you put yourself closer to the ass of a truck driver than the crap stains on his underwear. That’s right. Who needs to see if there is any stopped traffic ahead while driving 70 mph behind a semi? The problem of course is when the truck brakes and that hypermiling asshole has to run you off the road to get over before slamming into the back of the semi.

2. Accelerating slowly at a green light despite the fact that the gas you save while slowly accelerating to the speed limit is going to end up being spent again because you are accelerating comparatively longer in order to reach that speed. Yep, there’s nothing like sitting for 3 times as long at a traffic light because only one hypermiler at a time can get through at an acceleration rate equivalent to that of snot oozing from a toddlers nose.

3. Turning off your engine when approaching a red light despite the fact that restarting your engine will use more gas than you saved when the engine was off. Yep, there’s nothing like sitting for 4 times as long at that same light because some dumb ass hypermiler is fumbling to restart the engine as the light is switching from green to yellow. This apparently works just as well when approaching stop signs, well that is if you’re comfortable losing the ability to steer while the ignition is in the off mode. Some cars also lose brakes. But who cares about steering and braking, when you can at least LOOK like you are saving gas. Even if it did save gas, wouldn’t using the extra gas be cheaper than buying a new transmission?

4. Turning off the engine while drafting behind a semi in order to coast farther to the highway exit ramp. Dude, you can’t make this crap up. For those keeping track, that would be no engine power, no brakes, no steering while traveling at dangerous highway speeds behind a potentially car crushing semi. I should probably mention that this would also require no brains since turning the engine off also disables the airbag. I have not actually seen this, but this has been written about and it even has it’s own term. Draft assisted forced auto stop. Interesting enough, it takes longer to read that term than it takes for the semi to kill your dumb ass.

5. Parking on a hill to use gravity to get rolling again. Do these dumb asses have any idea how much gas they probably waste in the process to back their car up onto a hill? Seriously, I’m just asking.

6. Running stop signs to keep from using the breaks so they can continue coasting. I bet parents who think their kids are relatively safe when playing in their sub-division will enjoy knowing about this practice. What are these people thinking? Hey, why just be a hazard to other drivers? Why not put pedestrians in danger as well. Are these assholes as psychotic as Charles Manson?

There is no way they save enough gas while coasting to counteract the cost of getting a ticket. If that’s not a problem, then there is no way that this driving style can be worth it with the damage it will do to your car. Or if you’re independently wealthy, then there is no way this can be worth the prison time for killing someone. Seriously, what kind of assholes do these people have to be?
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1 comment:

Meg said...

Ignoramus Syndrome is serious disorder and dude, you really shouldn't be hating on these people.

Fun blog!

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