As many of you may know, I have my vices. Beer, Vodka, Fried Food. And none of those has been a problem for me to give up. Heck, I once used to be a pack a day smoker, but one day I just up and stopped, and haven’t smoked since. I like to have fun, but I am no prisoner to anything.

Recently, I have discovered that there is something even tougher to give up than smoking. I am clearly addicted to it, and the path to kicking it will be an extensive one. I gotta be honest with you; I am kind of getting ‘the shakes’ just thinking about the prospect of giving it up. But, I’m OK. I can give it up any time I want. I think…maybe. Alright. I think I can. I just gotta hang in there. I can give up my DVR if I really have to.

Time of the Signs

Has anyone else been keeping up with the string of stories about the pranksters who keep hacking into electronic highway signs? I enjoy these stories because they are clearly about people who are kindred to my own soul. They are these guys who like to change the messages on highway signs to read funny things like "CAUTION! ZOMBIES AHEAD!" Or "RUN FOR COLD CLIMATES!" I think it’s pretty amusing to read these in the midst of all of the other news stories with such bad news like the continuing financial collapse of the world, or the clusterf**k wars we are trapped in over seas. So I’ve waited for an update every week to see what new message these pranksters have come up with. Since these electronic highway signs are pretty useful for displaying highway cautions, I started thinking about what other types of warnings they could be used for.

For example, the American people could really have used one of these concerning the bank bailout that turned out to be more money for government leaders to piss away.

And our last president apparently needed this one:

As well as this one:

.

.

.

These signs could also help people in their daily life, like this one:

And even closer to home like this one I might like to see while driving home if the situation were to ever happen:

Which if ignored, would of course lead to this one on the day after:

But, I suppose the only one most people really need is this friendly suggestion:

.

The Weird Warped Diet Plan

Well kids, it’s that time of year again, the time of year when people go on diets. And I unfortunately am pulled into this trend every winter by the wife. Every year I start off by looking around the internet for dieting information and usually find myself overwhelmed by the dizzying array of diets that are out there.

For example, there is this one diet that requires you to consume only juice, or things liquefied in a juicer. I think I would much rather have a diet consisting of another type of liquid, but unfortunately the 100 beers in 100 days adventure has long passed.

Then there is the Atkins diet, where you cut out all carbohydrates. So basically, you can only eat meat and green vegetables which is pretty stupid because you end up being a meat eating vegetarian.

There is also this little known diet that requires you to eat nothing but apples for three days straight. Supposedly, you want to do this because it cleans out your colon. Because everyone knows that the ladies all want a man with a good colon. Frankly, I would rather save a couple of days and just eat nothing but bran one day.

Of course, the big thing in Weight Watcher’s now is this diet plan that prevents you from going through the tedious effort of counting calories, and they accomplish by having you go through the even more tedious effort of counting points. This sounds like a good idea until you find out that a “point” is determined by some bootleg calculation that says fat and calories are proportional to fiber, well at least until you reach 4 grams that is, then fiber no longer matters. So basically, it looks like they got tired of factoring it in and then said “screw the fiber” after 4 grams.

So, the wife and I decided to go with the Weight Watcher’s diet plan called Core. This sounded good to us because it advertises that you can eat as much as you want and still lose weight provided that you only eat certain foods, that you pair certain foods together, and only eat certain foods for certain meals of the day. And then if the planets align just right, some mysterious voodoo magic will make you lose weight.

Clearly, these diets are made up by people who really aren't qualified to make up diets. So, I got to thinking, "I'm not qualified, so why don't I make my own diet?" So that's just what I did. Here's how it works. All you gotta do is eat bacon, sausage, spam, country fried steak and eggs for breakfast. Then eat pizza, chicken wings, chili dogs, tacos, and hamburgers for lunch. And then a sensible dinner.

Well kids, I better get going, I gotta get started on the Weird Warped Diet Plan if I am going to fit into those Speedos this summer.

Another Possible Idea For The Red Bull Car

Coming Up With A Design For The Red Bull Soap Box Race Is Really Hard

.
So me, my brother and our friend were sitting drunk around a campfire the other night and decided we would enter the Red Bull Soap box Derby just for something crazy to do. Since our friend is a machinist and welder who can build the car, and my brother is the crazy flamboyant showman who would make the perfect driver, it ended up being my job to provide the creative design for our car. Time is running out for the June 30th deadline to submit the design to the Red Bull officials, and I still haven’t decided on the final design for the car. So this is where all of you fine folks of the blogosphere can help me out. Below I have several possible designs that I need to choose from, and I need you to tell me which is best.

The first one up is a design I immediately came up with when posed with the challenge of designing this type of soap box car.

Name: The Jager-bomb-mobile

Pros: We'll never get thirsty with this car, and it's bound to be a crowd favorite.

Cons: Possible DUI while racing it, and the logistics of suspending the bottle and can in mid air would be overwhelming.

This next one is a Swedish inspired model that can represent all the health care professionals at the event.

Name: The Heart-that-exploded-from-drinking-too-much-Red Bull-at-one-time-mobile

Pros: It will be the REAL Heartbeat of America.

Cons: 800 gallons of fake blood could get a little messy.

This next one is actually an incomplete design.

Name: The I'm-not-skilled-enough-to-draw-a-drunk-chic-puking-in-this-toilet-after-drinking-too-many-jager bombs-mobile

Alternate Name: The Family Poopster

Pros: No need to find a seat for the car because it's already built in, and porcelain is very aerodynamic.

Cons: People would want to take a shat in our car, and the driver would get 'shat house polio' if the race went too long.

This last one is for security measures.

Name: The Just-in-case-we-were-mixed-up-and-this-is-a-Flugtag-mobile

Pros: We can use it again if they happen to have a Flugtag next year.

Cons: None, the combination flugtag-soapbox car is the perfect vehicle for Red Bull promotional contests.

While I am working on the design for our car, enjoy watching this video of the worst crashes at the last Red Bull soap box race.

So now race on over to Humor-Blogs.com

I've Been Cock-Blocked

Or at least that's how the weird wife described what happened when the company installed software that blocks my access to most anything non-work related on the web. I should have known this would happen sooner or later. I was spending a little too much time on these "non-work related" things. Unfortunately, the accounting software that links the different company divisions in 4 different states and Canada also kept being blocked. So even if I wanted to work, I still couldn't.

So basically that's my excuse for not updating my blog. Which I know is a real bad thing to do after you have actually gotten some readers. And that reminds me to thank everyone who stopped by and checked out my naked man-boobs (or would that be moobs?).

So now go and check out the boobs who write funny blogs here at Humor-Blogs.com.

Is it me or is there a lot of weird warped news this morning?

.
.
Who Put The Small Child In Charge Of Tying Down The Balloon?
.

The record setting free fall attempt of Frenchman, Michel Fournier was left blowing in the wind when his $200,000 hot air balloon came free from its tethers. The Frenchman was quoted as saying. “I told you that you should have tied it to the stroller.”
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/24821986/


I Told You So!
.

It’s pretty scary when some numb-nut blogger beats the International Atomic Energy Agency to the punch, especially when it was done by nothing more than connecting the similarities between three different news headlines. Apparently Iran’s Nuclear Holocaust plans are coming on the heels of The IAEA’s "intellectual holocaust". Arpeggio Andy was quoted as saying, “Shouldn’t more people than me be worried about this?”
http://www.nytimes.com/2008/05/27/world/middleeast/27iran.html?partner=rssnyt&emc=rss


Supply And Demand, My Butt!
.

According to reports from the Department of Transportation, there hasn’t been this few people on the road for Memorial Day Weekend since 1942! Seriously, more people drove during the gas shortage of the 70’s than did last weekend. If demand was that low, then why didn’t the prices drop? GOTCHA BITCHES!
http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/05/26/gas.driving/index.html?eref=rss_topstories


He Kame, He Saw, He Konquered
.

Kaptain (Robbie) Knievel did his best Fonzie impression as he jumped 24 beverage delivery trucks (equivalent to 96 garbage cans) to beat the record for the longest jump set by his whack job dad, Evel. After making the jump look easy, one spectator was quoted as saying, “I think I had a better chance of being accosted by Chris Henry this close to Cincinnati, than Kaptain Knievel had of missing that jump.” http://www.wlwt.com/news/16385783/detail.html?rss=cin&psp=news

So now jump on over to Humor-Blogs.com for news on the latest funny blogs.

Do you suppose I can put "worked in customer service" on my resume'?

.
Earlier this week the home phone rang and as usual I ignored it because 99% of the calls we get aren’t for me anyways. After a very brief conversation, the wife hung up and said to me; “That’s funny, it was somebody asking if this was Parade of Shoes”.
.
This reminded of a little story I can tell all of you little bloggers out there in blog land.
.
Long, long ago, in the hip happening year of 2003. Back before the Iraq war became a total quagmire, and before you needed a second mortgage to afford gasoline. There was once a company that printed phone books in the state of Maryland. One day, this printing company mistakenly printed the phone number of my sweet little bachelor pad condo in northwest Cincy as the number for the Parade of Shoes Connecticut based corporate billing offices. So, if an angry Parade of Shoes customer in Maryland had a billing problem, they called me to complain about it. And I lived happily ever after as I was able to entertain myself for months with this scenario…the end.
.
Naturally as the bachelor I was in those days, it was not unusual for me to unwind from a stressful day of work by stripping down to my underwear and kicking back with a bottle of vodka. Then just as I would get “loosened up” from the alcohol, I would get a call from some woman who had a discrepancy on her credit card bill. Most of the time it would be a boring call from a fairly courteous woman, and I would quietly inform her that the number was a misprinting. But the best times were when it was some total b-otch who wouldn’t stop yelling long enough for me to tell her it was a wrong number because being the comedian (or maybe bastard) that I am, I always had to mess them.
.
When it first started, the plan was always just to give them a fake runaround. I would ask the woman to “please hold”, and then I would put the phone down for a few minutes before coming back. Then I would pick up the phone and casually say, “Where may I direct your call?” to which she would ask in an irritated voice to speak to someone about her bill. So I would say, “Please hold for billing”. Then after another couple minutes, I would casually say “Shipping department, how can I help you?” and there would usually be a brief pause as she would recognize the same voice as before. And in an even more irritated voice would insist that her call is for billing. So, I would “put her on hold” again and then come back and say, “Sales department, how many pairs would you like to purchase?” and she would usually recognize the same voice for the third time which would maker her really mad. So typically after yelling into the phone to speak to my manager, I would of course, you got it, take the call as the manager. Then finally when she would get to the point where she would say that she will never deal with Parade of Shoes again, I would say, “Oh, this isn’t Parade of Shoes, it’s Shoe Parade. We are, in no way, affiliated with Parade of Shoes.”
.
As I grew tired of the fake runaround game, I began taking calls as a billing representative. After hearing about the complaint, I would assure her that the problem would be fixed immediately, no matter what it was. And I do mean ‘no matter what’. Even if the woman thought a 10% discount on $50 shoes would make her bill $20. This by the way would shut her up very quickly; Hmm, I may have to try this with a screaming infant next time I’m near one. Anyways, I would always say that I will have to first clear the purchase through the inventory system before the billing system would allow any changes, and would first need to know the brand, style, size, store where they were purchased, salesman’s name, serial number, receipt number, inventory number, and the destitute third world country where they were manufactured which should all be easily found on either the receipt or the box. Incidentally, when she would tell me the size and serial number off the box, I would inform her that the serial number doesn’t correspond to a size 6 (for example) shoe, it actually corresponds to a size 12 shoe. After asking if she was SURE she wears a size 6 and is not just trying to flatter me, I would regretfully inform her that the discrepancy in shoe and box will make this process more difficult. When they of course couldn’t come up with all the information, I would inform her that we have to use the security cameras at the store to verify that she bought, not stole them. I would then ask what she looks like, what she wore that day, what any companions looked like, and if she has any easily identifiable tattoos. After (and I am not making this up) receiving this information from the caller, I would inform her that we will review all the tape from the store during the time she was there and then send that tape to the department of customer account verification, who would send the report to the bill editing department who would fix the problem. Then I would tell them to look for the changes on their bill after the next 3 months.
.
By the way, I thought this forum was funny when I found it at Yahoo answers.

.
I also thought these blogs were really funny when I found them at Humor-Blogs.com.

Business Travel Blues

I just got back from the "I.E.E.E.&P.E.S. T.&D. C.&E." No really, that's the acronym for it! It stands for the Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers and Power Engineering Society Transmission and Distribution Conference and Exposition. Apparently the people who put this together don't realize the point of acronyms being to shorten up a reference to something.

I think I should stop flying on company owned aircraft. Apparently 50% of the air transport trips I have taken have left me stranded far from home due to something that has broken within the aircraft. One of these times something critical is going to break when we aren't safely on the ground.

I think Chicago must be home to the worst drivers in the country. These idiots have absolutely no concept of space or time. Such as the unusually long period of time after a light turns red that they decide to go through the intersection, or the space already occupied by a vehicle on the opposite side of the road that they have decided is now their own personal passing lane.

The only thing worse is the pedestrians. You would think that with all the idiots that run red lights and drive on the wrong side of the road that they would know to look out for 2 ton cars barreling through intersections.

Those stupid Chicagoans should be shot..oh, wait...they were shooting each other last weekend. Never mind.

Wanna know what is the best way to kill a really expensive dinner? Invite a bunch of company salesmen that have been practicing the "fake sales guy rapport" for at least 15 years. Thankfully alcohol is integral to the salesman way of life so the gin and tonics made it bearable.

This and That

Those Guys Got Balls
I read the funniest article about Truck Nuts. For the sake of any doomsday cultists that have been in a cave for the last 10 years, I will explain that Truck Nuts are these fake bull balls that rednecks hang from the hitch of their truck to let everyone know that their truck is so bad ass that it has balls to the wall power, so to speak. While reading this article I began to wonder to myself; what places could you put a set of these that would be even funnier than on a truck? Like maybe one of those tiny little Smart Cars? Or maybe under a bicycle seat? Perhaps a statue of a famous person? Or better yet, on a necklace worn by Flavor Flav. I bet there are people who would give their left nut to see that!

The Polls Are Open
I have decided to start adding little poll questions in the right margin of this blog for “audience participation”. There should be a new one every week or so.

Coffee Glorious Coffee!
Due to a water main break down the street from where I work, the water had to be shut off to the fountains, sinks, and regrettably the coffee maker in order to prevent the consumption of contaminated water. Thankfully the water was left running in the bathrooms. Needless to say, this has been the most tiring week. I never realized how many walking dead people worked here. I apologize for not writing any more this week and for not being able to focus on one topic, but I think I sprained my brain.

Vote Strong, Vote Confident, Vote NONE OF THE ABOVE

The other day I got my absentee ballot for the upcoming Ohio Primary Election. So who am I going to vote for? Nobody. Don’t believe me? Click here. That’s right! Apparently if you don’t specifically ascribe to either the Republican or Democratic Party, you don’t get any choice at all. There’s No Ralph Nader, No Pat Buchanan, heck there isn’t even a Ross Perot on that ballot. But hey, I can at least vote for or against additional funding for the Zoo.
.
This ballot cracks me up, but I actually did know that there weren’t going to be any Presidential candidates on it. I was however shocked to find that there aren’t even any choices for the local races due to candidates dropping out of the running for each office. This doesn’t sound right to me; I mean just because one of the two candidates in each race threw in the towel before the election, they completely left those choices off the ballot. But what if I don’t like the remaining candidates? It is possible that a majority of the people in my State, County and/or Township doesn’t like a particular candidate. Then the automatic election of that candidate would totally negate the purpose of the Democratic process. It sort of takes away the freedom to vote, which has actually happened to me in the past. Don’t believe me? Click here? But seriously, I think we should at least be permitted to “veto” these guys.
.
Think about it. If we could actually “veto” the candidates with a “none of the above” vote then we wouldn’t be stuck voting for the lesser of two evils all the time. I would definitely have voted “none of the above” for the last two presidential elections.

A Penny Debited To Your Account Is A Penny Earned

I haven't had any time this week to come up with a new blog post, so I thought I would post this oldie from an old blog of mine called What Andy Really Thinks. I was reminded of this after recently reading the Snopes.com answer to a reader's question. By the way, the Snopes people got it wrong because they refered to the coins as possessions and not as a representation of wealth in the US treasury.

When asked what I thought about the most recent efforts to eliminate the penny from American currency I thought:

Good deal, because a penny saved is no longer a penny earned.

The US treasury estimates that by the end of the 2006 fiscal year it will cost 1 and 23/100 cents to manufacture a 1 cent coin. If the coin can only represent 1 cent from the treasury, then the other 23/100 of a cent ends up being lost. So a penny saved is really only 81/100 of a penny earned. It’s kind of a rip-off when you think about.

What do we really save from eliminating the penny? We would save 23 cents on every 1 dollar roll. If the treasury makes 10 billion (10,000,000,000) pennies per year (they actually make more), which is 100 million (100,000,000) 1 dollar rolls, then we would save $23 million ($23,000,000) per year. Just for the record, a similar thing is true for the nickel. We can save 73/100 cents for each of the 1 billion nickels eliminated.

In 1994, I opened a checking account from a national bank that included this new thing called a ‘check card’. Interested in having immediate access to my money at the point of purchase where previously I had to first obtain cash from a teller or ATM, I jumped on this new technology. Unfortunately, this required that I have a driver’s license style picture taken for the front of it. This wouldn’t have been a problem except that this relatively early Saturday morning was preceded by a very late and alcohol filled Friday night. The only way the bank will retake the picture is if I close the account and reopen a new one. So, 12 years later, there is still a funny picture of a very hung over me on the front of this card. The good news is. (1) I always have enough money from my account on my body and person to buy something. (2) Lose cash, and it’s essentially gone, but lose the card and no one else can use it and the bank replaces it. And (3) the neighborhood ice cream truck is about the only place that I can’t use it.

Years ago I would refer to this card as if I was the only one in the world advanced enough to have one, but now I can’t do that because almost everyone has one. For most of the country, cash has become mostly obsolete. It is entirely possible to eliminate all coinage lesser than a quarter from American currency because most transactions that can in no way be made in any other form than cash are conducted in amounts rounded to a quarter. Girl Scouts, school fundraisers, the paper boy, and the aforementioned ice cream man are prime examples.

On the other side of the coin, so to speak, I think we can also eliminate all currency greater than the 10 dollar bill. This may sound crazy, but think about it, what are you gonna buy for more than 20 dollars that can’t be purchased with a card? Drugs? If the police find the guy with all of the ten dollar bills, then they found the drug dealer. But, more importantly, the treasury recently reported that American currency is being counterfeited at a record rate. Nobody is sure exactly how much money is “stolen” from the US Treasury via counterfeit money every year, but the Secret Service estimates it to be in the hundreds of millions. So, if nobody accepts 20’s, 50’s or 100’s, then the counterfeiters can make as many of these bills as they want without hurting the economy because they just aren’t gonna be able use them anyway.
.
Even though this is much more possible than people realize, I don’t see cash being “counted out” anytime soon.

Dealing With Unlimited Music Service Withdrawl

I totally gotta give a shout out to Yahoo's 'Y!Music LaunchCast Radio'. This totally rocks! You can customize your own radio station for FREE! All you do is set up your radio station by specifying your favorite artists. Then, when they play a song, you rate the song, the artist, and the album. This way you end up getting the music you like played randomly. and they throw in new stuff that they think you will also like so the music never gets stale.

This is of course a stark contrast to Yahoo's 'Y!Music Unlimited' service which was actually very limited in what it can do and was just riddled with bugs and management problems.

Crack Kills

Do you know what's more stupid than baggy pants wearing butt pirates? The leaders in the city hall in Dallas who think that a couple of billboards are a suitable substitute for a belt. That's as stupid as the people who drive up behind you at like a hundred miles an hour and then flash their headlights at you as if for some reason their headlight switch is somehow connected to your gas pedal. These billboards aren't gonna have any affect on people who probably can't even read them in the first place. I should know, they wrote me e-mails after a previous blog I wrote and many were indecipherable.

Seriously, are a couple of billboards gonna make the dumb ass baggy pants wearers smart enough to figure out that they could actually walk if they would just pull up their pants. Heck no! But you know what would? A "Billy Club". That's right, all they really had to do was make a law allowing Police officers the right to pummel any gay wad with his baggy pants hanging down below his butt. There you go, problem solved.