Friday, May 18, 2007

Just So You Know

Hey Kids! I will be gone for the next 2 weeks, so there won't be any Weird and/or Warped entries added!

But you can check out
The Weekly Squeak in the mean time!

Thursday, May 17, 2007

The Bart Simpson Credit Card Scam

I was reminded yesterday of this old telephone number I had that was frequently used by a credit card scammer on some false credit card applications. The guy was also somewhat of comedian because the names were almost as funny as the name Santos L. Halper on Bart Simpson’s card. Usually he used the same double letters in the first and last names when fabricating them. So I would get these phone calls from collections agency’s asking for Gabby Gabbard. Dude, you have got to be kidding me. You mean to tell me that Discover, CitiBank, or some other credit card company actually took this name seriously. The guy absconded with a couple of thousand dollars from each of about three different credit card companies. I estimated he got about $8000 and authorities are still probably trying to find him because they were clueless about the number not being connected to an address in (notice the double letters) Kipssissle, Mississippi.

So I got to thinking, if credit card companies really are this stupid, then why am I still slaving away at a 9 to 5 job like the rest of the working class?

The first part of the scam would be easy. I get credit card applications in the mail all the time. All I got to do is make up several fake identities with names that are at least as believable as Gabby Gabbard, and make sure they are not actual names so there’s no actual person to cause the situation to be mistaken for identity theft which would tip off the credit people. It doesn’t matter if nobody has heard of these people. There are lots of smaller credit card companies, like Discover and Citibank, which give out cards to people with no credit history all the time.

The second part of the scam would not only be a good test of the fake identity, but also a good way to build trust with the credit companies thereby building credit. After making a withdrawl from one fake persons low limit card, pay it off with another fake persons low limit card. Never using more than 10% of the limit per withdraw. Eventually cards will be maxed out and payed no more than a month apart. Once credit card companies see that the fake people not only max out the cards, but they pay them promptly, the credit people will quickly bump up the limits to about triple of the original limits. I can do this as many times as needed until I end up with a bunch of Gold Cards.

Now granted, by the time the cards were Gold level, I would have to haul some serious butt to hit enough ATM’s to get the money to keep obtaining the money to pass to each card company, but It shouldn’t be unusual to the credit companies at this point to see multiple trips to multiple ATM’s over the course of multiple days. It’s just a gradual increase each time.

I figure if I get up to about a $500,000 limit on 10 cards, then I can get about $15,000 worth of cash withdraw limit from each. That would mean I would have a maximum of $150,000 in cash and $4,850,000 of charging power at my disposal. That should be plenty to cover the expenses of anything I want. As long as everyone gets their money in a timely manner nobody will expect anything. Then I can live off the difference between one cards limit and another cards limit. If I never spent more than 10% of a cards limit per month or 5% less than standard 15% interest just to be safe, then I would never have trouble. By the time the 10 cards get up to $500,000 limit, I could spend $500,000 per month. I calculate that it would take 5 years for 2 cards alternating, so 10 cards together would work for 25 years.

I can’t live a whole life like this, but I could have a much better retirement from this than from the NOTHING that I expect to get from Social Security.
The last part of the plan is the hardest. I have to grow a sack of balls big enough to actually try this.

Friday, May 4, 2007

A Social Experiment

There were alot of people on the web that said that Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton would treat the Don Imus situation differently if it was about a Black person making a slur about a white person. So I thought, maybe we should give them the benefit of the doubt. Has any white person ever contacted them about the reverse situation? So I sent the following e-mail to the office of Jesse Jackson.

Dear Rev. Jackson,

I have been following your Christian work for many years and I am a strong supporter of your work to end all Civil Rights violations in the World. I know you have been involved with issues around the Cincinnati area in the past that involved Cincinnati Police officers and innocent citizens. I feel it is my Christian duty and moral obligation to inform you of a personal experience I had with a Cincinnati Police officer targeting my wife on account of her skin color. In the specific incident that I am referring to, the officer harassed my wife by throwing a roll of clear packing tape at her while pointing out her ethnicity. I feel that the degradation of my wife based on her skin color would be a prime opportunity for you to revisit the Cincinnati area to address this new Civil Rights case.

Thank you for your continued efforts to end racism.


The story above is totally true. But, what I didn’t mention is the fact that not only have my wife and this officer been good friends for about 15 years, but they are the opposite color that one would presume from the above e-mail. I also didn’t mention that the officer only called her a “White Woman” and that he only had possession of a tape roll because my wife threw it at him, thereby hitting him in the head. I don’t necessarily get it, but they just laugh and have the best time when they are like that. Basically, I made the e-mail race neutral to insinuate that race should never matter.

Please notice the form letter nature of the re-written first response. I should probably give a shout out to for the free law dictionary I needed to decode these. I should also tell you that I removed names or put things into my own words to make this post less crappy.

Dear ,

We at the this organization are absolutely outraged by such abhorrent behavior of an officer of the law in Cincinnati .

(Blah, blah, blah.)

The Reverend Jesse Jackson will gladly represent your Civil Rights case before Local Police Precinct upon receipt of your official request.

(Blah, blah, blah.)

Please send a processing fee of $250.00USD to our organization along with a letter that outlines the full details of your Civil Rights violation case.

Blah, blah, blah.

(The small print included this)
Please be advised that the Plaintiff Party will be required to provide full reimbursement of all travel and lodging costs of The Reverend Jesse Jackson’s visit.

Please note the annoyed ambiance and non-form letter style of the re-written second response.

Dear Mr. ,

After reviewing your Civil Rights case, we were unsuccessful in finding any documented evidence of the incident within the court house records.

(More blah, blah, blah than you would think possible.)

The services of the "public figure in question" this organization represents are strictly for the use of everyone but you honkys.

(Blah, blah, blah that clearly moves in a very bad direction for me.)

You may never use the name of “the public figure in question” at the request through this letter. We are now going to lie and tell you that reprinting a true previously written letter by or about “the public figure in question” is against the law. Then we will tell you how many lawyers work for this organization that will definitely take your butt to court if you use our name.

And there was actually more but I preferred to delete the e-mail rather than finish reading it.

So, I guess “the public figure in question” doesn’t care about equality. He just cares about making a buck off Black People.

Thursday, May 3, 2007

Demon Days

Did you know that anybody can “play” God? No, no, I don’t mean aborting babies and cloning sheep. That’s not playing God, that’s just merely playing abortion clinic doctor, and genetic scientist. I’m talking about taking on powers that are above the laws of the physical universe. I’m talking about powers that allow you to drive out demons.

Dude, what do you want me to tell you? Sometimes the truth is weird and warped.

OK, so you may find it difficult to believe, but there are demons all around us. They might be in your home, your car, even your church. There’s probably one in your computer right now even as you read this. Trust me; you just have to learn to identify them. Since they are invisible to the human eye, you actually have to look for signs of their presence. You can find them anywhere you see negative changes and activity occurring in people and things. Sometimes it’s easy to mistake stupid human behavior with demon possession, but that’s understandable since they can be similar.

Demons are everywhere, and you can drive them away.

All you have to do is verbally acknowledge that the power is from God, and then command the demons to leave.

There is however a few catches. You have to do the will of God. So you can’t drive the Demons out of a person you like and then into someone you don’t like. You have to humble yourself. So that means those evangelist on TV don’t really have the power. Your soul has to be clean of sin which means you have to ask God to cleanse it before He will bestow the power upon you. Do this immediately before using your power. We tend to dirty our souls pretty quickly, so you can’t let any time elapse in the middle. And lastly, you have to have the Holy Spirit in you in order to keep the demons out of you.

So repeat after me; “With the power of God, I command the demons to leave my computer!”

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