The Cult of Irrationality

It was pointed out to me that the last post and others in the Westboro Brainless Cult series may not make sense on their own. So I have decided to post the original blog entry from the old blog that started my estranged relationship with the WBC in order to make them more clear. If you are encountering this series for the first time and are planning to (actually) read the whole series, then I recommend that you read this one before clicking on the 'Letters to the Westboro Brainless Cult label' and reading from bottom to top to get the full story.





There is this church from Topeka, Kansas called the Westboro Baptist Church, or WBC for short. They are led by this guy Fred Phelps who is supposed to be a reverend, but I just can’t bring myself to refer to this guy as a man of the cloth. He just doesn’t exhibit the manner and decorum of anyone I would call a Christian. Fred and his deranged followers have created a website called God Hates Fags.com, and as the name suggests, it is basically a way for them to bash gays and make it look like the Godly thing to do. But seriously, I don’t really mind the gay bashing part of the website. It’s the fact that they associate themselves with Christians that I don’t like.

This church has also shown up in the news over the last few years as they have traveled to different areas of the country to picket the funerals of soldiers killed in Iraq. And why do they this? Because they think war is wrong? Nope they do it because they think homosexuality is wrong. Yea, I know. I don’t really get it either. So I actually sent them a serious e-mail asking if they could help me understand. It literally said: “I don’t understand. How is the picketing of funerals of dead soldiers associated with the government’s tolerance of homosexuals?”

So after waiting a couple of weeks, I decided to send them a second e-mail just in case something mysterious happened to the first one. Just as I hit the send button, I noticed that I had inadvertently used the word “fags” this time instead of the word “homosexuals”.

Now I don’t know if that had anything to do with the quick response, but it did seem odd to get a reply the very same day. Unfortunately, the reply made no effort to connect dead soldiers and homosexuality. So I still don't get it.

Here is the explanation I got along with my commentary for each point:

We picket the funerals of soldiers to warn the people who are still living that unless they repent, they will likewise perish.
I’m sorry; I just don’t get the repent or die message from signs that say thank God for dead soldiers.

When people go to funerals, they have thoughts of mortality, heaven, hell, eternity, etc., on their minds which is the perfect time to warn them of things to come.
Well unless they are bent over the coffin ready to take a big hard one up the butt, I don’t see how telling funeral goers that “god hates fags” can possibly prepare them for things to come. Besides, that would actually be preparing them for things to cum.

Is it mean, hateful, uncompassionate, etc.?
Do these dumb ass people seriously not know the answer to that?

I'm sure it is, according to your standards.
As well as to the standards of the entire rest of the world that believes in showing respect for people who have suffered a loss. The WBC disgusts me.

However, according to my standards, it would be infinitely more mean, hateful, uncompassionate, etc., to keep my mouth shut and not warn you that you, too, will soon have to face God.
It may be mean not to warn people, but don’t you think there are much better places to berate people than at a funeral? Like maybe a Neo-Nazi rally.

Good King Josiah "brake down the houses of the sodomites, that [were] by the house of the LORD, where the women wove hangings for the grove." II Kings 23:7. "And as Josiah turned himself, he spied the sepulchres that [were] there in the mount, and sent, and took the bones out of the sepulchres, and burned [them] upon the altar, and polluted it, according to the word of the LORD which the man of God proclaimed, who proclaimed these words." II Kings 23:16. After Josiah does these things, does God say "Josiah, how can you do such a thing? How can you be so hateful and disrespectful of the dead? What about the poor mourning families of these dead bones?" No! God says "And like unto him was there no king before him, that turned to the LORD with all his heart, and with all his soul, and with all his might, according to all the law of Moses; neither after him arose there [any] like him." II Kings 23:25. God calls him the greatest king ever! What WBC does, in merely picketing funerals, is nothing compared to digging up the dead bodies and burning them!
Of course being the nit picker I am, I wondered what the missing verses in this collection of verses said. As I suspected, the ommited stuff gave the passage a different meaning. The meaning of the passage changed from God sanctioning the desecration of tombs to God sanctioning the destruction of cultic religions, such as the WBC.

Finally, Here is how much respect Jesus had for the funeral of an unrighteous man: "Jesus said unto him, let the dead bury their dead: but go thou and preach the kingdom of God". Luke 9:60. Jesus commanded a man, whose father had just died, to NOT EVEN GO MOURN AT THE FUNERAL AND BURY HIM, but rather preach the kingdom of God. Hypocrites in this modern era, who think they are smarter than Christ, would open their mouths in amazement at Christ's lack of respect for a poor mourning man whose father had just died.
There they go changing the meaning of scripture again. This passage doesn’t say anything about the man being unrighteous. In fact, I think Max Lucado addressed the meaning of this parable of Jesus telling a man to not worry about his earthly father as a way of explaining that mankind still has God as a Heavenly Father.


So now that you are totally in the know on this series, check out the Humor-Blogs.com website and get to know some funny blogs.

It Done Went Down

I got an e-mail from a reader asking; "What gives, I thought you would update us on your evil plan to foil the WBC?" I originally didn’t have an answer because I was both unable to find anything funny to write about, and ashamed of myself for trying to find something funny to write about concerning a soldiers funeral. But, the main thing is, I never got a reply to my e-mail offering "help" and there was absolutely no media coverage of their visit, so I had nothing to really write about. In addition, there turned out to be about 3000 members of the Patriot Guard that stood outside during the ceremony. So, I think maybe, somebody else beat me to the idea of forming a "Human Wall" between the ballpark and the nuts.

There is actually some humorous stuff to post concerning this event. That would of course be the WBC's laughable account of what happened. Allow me to elaborate my point with some commentary (in white text) of some of the finer points from the WBC "Field Report" (in blue text).

"They were expecting so many people to come look at the carcass that they had the funeral at the Great American Ball Park. Did he say the Great American Ball Park? Yes, I said the Great American Ball Park. Where the Cincinnati Reds play."

So where exactly did these R-tards expect 10,000 people to pay respects to him? Did he say 10,000 people showed up? Yes, I said 10,000 people showed up.

"It didn’t turn out to go quite as planned, but, come on, people. God just kicked your backside. You might as well drop your pants and moon Him."

I’m sure they would like that. The WBC seems to have a fetish for gays and anal sex.

“The next day, we headed over to Cincinnati. On the way in, we saw a billboard that said something like “please join us in worshipping Matt Maupin’s carcass.” They may have worded a little differently, but that was the gist.”

The billboard said; “Remember Matt Maupin”. If they consider the act of remembering to be a form of worship, then wouldn’t the fact that they are recalling the funeral in their blog mean that they too are worshipping SSgt. Maupin?

“We were greeted outside the Great American Ball Park by the Cincinnati SWAT team.”

No you weren’t.

“Apparently, the biker chicks had called in and said they were going have thousands of people, and they were ready to kill us, or maim us, or do something really bad to us that would justify having the SWAT team out there.”

If you would stop calling them biker CHICKS, they might not want to beat the crap out of you. The only reason there was no confrontation is because the WBC was cowering so far away from the place that they were not associated with the funeral at all. They were across the street and 2 blocks way as seen in these pictures. Note the parking sign in the top left corner of the first picture.

Notice that the policeman is crossing at the second to last intersection before the highway.

Here is the big picture from google maps.

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“I saw enough biker chicks and military mutts to make me wonder if we were accidentally picketing a costume party, or perhaps a Village People lookalike convention - I kept waiting for some guy dressed up like an Indian to show up, but alas, it never happened.”

The Indian would have made the scene complete, especially if the Village Peoples cowboy also showed up.

Anyways, how would they know? They weren’t even close enough to see anyone at the funeral.

“There was one event at this picket that will bear noting, and that is a puddle of high ranking marines assaulted some of our women.”

Really? With the hoards of media coverage, ten thousand attendees, and more photographs posted online than I have ever encountered for a single subject, you would think there would be some sign of this assault you speak of.

“We like to call it “Iwo Jima II”, because such bravery hasn’t been seen since Iwo Jima I.”

I don’t know what history books you’ve read, but there was no assault of women in the battle of Iwo Jima in the history books I have read. Did you really think people will believe this “revelation” of WWII history? Seriously, if you are going to lie, you’ve got to make it believable.

“These arrogant asses were saying stuff like “I am a killing machine!” and “F*** God!” and when the cops finally got into gear and escorted them away, “I am not leaving until they do what I say!”

What kind of person would just go to a funeral to yell obscenities at strangers? Oh yeah, that’s right! The WBC does that! Since there would be no reason for anyone to venture 2 blocks away from the ballpark, the WBC is clearly a bunch of hypocritical liars. According to this picture, the people that had to be escorted away were the members of the WBC.

“Now, don’t you have a fellow marine to rape and kill, bury under the BBQ in your back yard, and then run off to Mexico so you can avoid the death penalty?”

Dude, wrong military story. What? Do you have Alzheimer’s or something? You’re not even in the right state for that protest.
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After this point, the WBC’s account of the event just drifts into one of their usual little tirades of misquoted scriptures. So I will discontinue my commentary here and just let this be the conclusion of this blog series.

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Now grab your picket sign and head over to Humor-Blogs.com and protest the posting of this blog.

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Your Mission, Should You Choose To Accept...

I planned on writing a quick piece about tales from the Possum hunter, but after Tuesday’s discovery of the WBC press release and my decision to act on it, I have decided to give ya an update on that situation.

Since moving a lot of people to be a “human wall” would be too difficult in just one week, and the fact that it may be a mute point with the expected very large turn out, I have opted to undertake the ‘covert intercept plan’. Here is the e-mail I sent to the WBC to get the plan rolling.

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Dear WBC,

You may remember me from a recent e-mail conversation where we compared the similarities of our theological beliefs. After discovering the recently posted news release on your website regarding the picketing of the Maupin funeral, I have decided to offer my help to you while you are in the Cincinnati area. I have already scouted out the prime location at the civic center for you to shout out the true word of God to all the sinful people who support the military of this sinful fag tolerant nation. Since the public funeral will be held in the difficult to access downtown area, I have begun to plan out the closest and most convenient rally point where we can get together and prepare things before heading to the stadium. For both locations, directions are very difficult and may be confusing to someone not familiar with the intricacies of the Cincinnati metropolitan area, so therefore I have also planned out the best route to take while leading you to each location. Please contact me soon so we can concur on our plan of action.

Sincerely,
Freddy Heddar

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I don’t know exactly how I am going to lose them in the boonies yet, but I can figure that out when/if they respond.

The Perfect Storm

According to a press release by the Westboro Brainless Cult, they are planning to come to my town to picket the funeral of Keith (Matt) Maupin. I really want to mess with these guys and this would be the perfect chance. Besides it would be truly wrong to try to disgrace Matt Maupin at his funeral. For those who may not know, Matt was the first soldier to be missing in action in the Iraq war and his parents have just been a wreck for the last 4 years (?) worrying about their son in the hands of angry towel head extremist. I would hate to see them put through more crap by the picketing from those nut jobs of the WBC. I really think something should be done, but I am not sure what. Here is a list of the possibilities.

1. Buy all the discounted off-mixed paint from home improvement stores and throw it on their picket signs. Or better yet, use paintball guns and give them a scare at the same time.

2. Get some tractor trailer drivers from the nearest truck stop to park their big rigs between where they are permitted to picket and where the funeral will take place thereby blocking them from sight.

3. Pass the word around to every Armed Forces Reserve station, VFW Hall, Motorcycle shop and Church in the area and push to get hundreds of thousands of people with supportive picket signs to camouflage or even force out the WBC picketing. (On further review I believe this could actually work if action started today)

4. And lastly my personal favorite, write them another e-mail and offer to direct them to the funeral location. Then lead them out to the middle of nowhere and leave them totally lost.

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In all honesty, I may not have to do anything myself in order to see something happen to the WBC. I am pretty sure there is already a ton of people planning to go since the public funeral will be at the Reds Ballpark. With the high profile nature of this funeral, the Maupins connection to the chopper motorcylce comunity, the strong military support in the community, and the strong interest of the cincy metro area, we may likely have the conditions for the "perfect storm" of free speech conflict. Basically, this is already expected to be a total cluster fuck that promises to lead to people putting a smack down on the WBC.

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Stay tuned here for further updates. Leave me a comment if there is an option I missed.

The Latest E-mail

I went to the WBC website today and noticed something odd. Fred Phelps started adding commentaries to the letters he receives that he posts on his blog. See it here: http://blogs.sparenot.com/index.php/fred7/ It is very similar to the way I have been putting commentaries in his e-mail responses that I post on my blog. I am sure that is coincidence...right? Well at any rate, here is the latest e-mail I sent.

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Dear Rev. Fred Phelps,

As a God fearing man, and as a believer in your preaching, I must point out the Err of your ways! While you are correct in what you preach. May the world be damned with its evil homosexual ways and out right lies! “The LORD [sees] how great man's wickedness on the earth [is], and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart [is] only evil all the time”; Gen 3:4-6. We must condemn the world for it is soiled with the fecal matter of sodomy. “Any bed [these men] lie on will be unclean, and anything [they sit] on will be unclean”; Leviticus 15:3-5. My dear Rev. Phelps, I must inform you that God does not command us to complain about these sinful people with simple signs, but He commands us to eliminate all these evil people from the face of the Earth. “If a man lies with a man as one lies with a woman, both of them have done what is detestable. They must be put to death; their blood will be on their own heads”; Leviticus 20:12-14. To be exalted we must be the right hand of God! As the hands and feet of God we must do the work of God. “Exalted to the right hand of God, he [as well as we [have]] received from the Father the promised Holy Spirit and [is] poured out what you now see and hear”; Acts 2:32-34. We were sent here by God to destroy all the evildoers of the world! “I will send destroyers against [the enemy], each man with his weapons, and they will cut up your fine cedar beams and throw them into the fire”; Jeremiah 22:6-8. You and I are therefore called to be the righteous destroyers of the modern day Sodom’s throughout the world! In the same way that God delivered the Kings of many sinful nations into the hands of Joshua, He will also deliver the corrupt leaders of today’s sinful nations into our hands! So join me Rev. Phelps in my quest to lay waste to all sinful nations of this world! I assure you God will deliver the leaders of all sinful nations into our hands if we obey him and go set fire and lay waste to their kingdoms! And as it is written in Deuteronomy 20:4; “For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory." God has promised that he will deliver us victory over our enemies!

Sincerely,

Rev. Jeremiah Hellfire

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Did I nail the crazy fake reverend impression or what? I want to see if he gets physically agressive after going through the rationalization outlined in this e-mail.

Calling All Warped Weirdos, Help Needed

Well kids, here it is. The answer we were waiting for from Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church (Or as I like to call them, The Westboro Brainless Cult). Unfortunately, this one also, for some unknown reason, completely side stepped my question. Again, I have added my personal commentary in blue text.




Freddy,

God hates Cincinnati because it is full of fags and sinners calling themselves Christians but don’t preach against those who have soiled this city with the semen of fags. [Yuck, remind me not to touch anything next time I am downtown.] If you were a faithful follower of God’s word you would already be in the streets in front of city hall preaching against the abominations and lewd behavior of the fags that you instead tolerate. [How do you know I am not doing that? I didn’t mention that in my e-mail.] Because from Falwell to Robertson, the Episcopalians to the Lutherans, you're all preaching the same thing, [What do you mean “I am preaching”? You just said I wasn’t preaching.] that grand message delivered by the Serpent in the Garden of Eden -- "ye shall not surely die". [Are you retarded or something? Jerry Falwell talked down gays as much as you. He was your kind of people.] You don't hear hell preached from America's pulpits anymore! [What pulpits besides your own have you heard sermons from?] There is no accountability for sin in this place, [except maybe a $10.9 million dollar lawsuit for picketing a soldiers funeral.] and therefore, there is no abstinence from sin, which wars against your soul (1 Peter 2:11). [What’s funny is; the very next verse refers to living peacefully with the pagans as an example as opposed to slandering them outright.]

Rev. Fred Phelps




Well alright then. I guess I am going to have to start thinking like a crazy person. I am going to write my next e-mail in a manner that will be as close to an impression of him as I can possibly get. DUDE! I know what to do! I should invite him to come to Cincinnati to picket a City Council meeting! But then what would I do if they did come to town? Why don’t I just leave this open for suggestions? I will take any and all ideas regarding what to with these nut jobs if they actually came to Cincinnati.

Still Waiting

Well kids, I still haven't gotten any reply from Fred Phelps of that hate group from Topeka Kansas. So I decided I would share this weird little tidbit with you on a similar subject. This is from a guy named Donnie Davies who has pretty much the same views of Fred except he doesn't picket Iraq War Veterans funerals. He has a much gentler approach to spreading his beliefs. He writes songs about his beliefs. Unfortunately he doesn't get it either because this song is called "God Hates Fags".

Click here to hear it.

I should clarify what I mean by these guys not getting it. I don't accept or agree with gay behavior any more than I accept or agree with the behavior of murderers, but I consider the members of both groups to be redeemable by Christ under the same conditions as the rest of this sinful world that God so loved. So therefore gays shouldn't be referred to in derogatory terms any more than a Christian should be referred to as a "brain washed religious nut", nor should we suspect that God hates them. He just hates what they do.

OK! Everybody sing! God hates fags....God hates fags....if your a fag then God hates you too...

New Target

Those who have read my blog for any period of time can tell that I like to mess with the organization PETA in e-mail form. I think I will forgo any further e-mails to PETA for 2 reasons. One, they don’t send me any goofy replies back anymore. And two, they are just a minor annoyance in the world whereas this cult in Topeka Kansas called the WBC is an internal threat to Christians. (See the Weekly Squeak for the blog I wrote about them: http://theweeklysqueak.blogspot.com/2007/11/cult-of-irrationality.html ) I will admit that I am not the best person in the world with my occasional off color language and such, but I still think I really need to send them some e-mails. I have begun by sending them the below e-mail to test how far I can go with them. The ‘contact us’ part of their website gives you a very vague response to your message which makes it difficult to tell if they even got the message, so we will have to wait and see if we get a reply.

Dear Rev. Phelps,

I am a faithful follower of God’s true word and I support all of your work and effort in educating the world of God’s clear commandments condemning homosexuality. It has been my belief for many years that America was in a downward spiral into Hell with seemingly no chance of redemption. I want to believe that it’s possible to change America from its sinful ways. I think something needs to be done soon.

While I don’t think I can change America, I would like to try to change the city I was born and raised in. The city of Cincinnati is in a state of crisis today as the misguided city government has recently placed a gay woman on City Council. In addition to city government, large companies like Cincinnati Bell Telephone have also fallen under the sinful leadership of gays in their upper management. If something isn’t done soon, I am concerned these leaders’ gay agenda will have a negative impact on the city of Cincinnati.

I am writing to you today to ask for your guidance on how best to try to change the city of Cincinnati’s evil ways and hopefully turn it in a God fearing direction. Any and all advice in this matter is needed.

Sincerely,
Freddy A. Heddar

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My hope is that I can get lots more crazy crap from this guy to use against him in future e-mails.