From The News Desk Of Sneaky Pete

In world news this week, the ‘functionally retarded’ President George W. Bush actually did something right for the first time in his presidency by pushing for tougher sanctions against the country of Iran while at the same time doing the wrong thing by not giving the orders to bomb the crap out of Iran. After returning from a trip to Tehran to visit the ‘Israeli hating’ Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, the ‘two faced’ Russian president Vladimir Putin declared that Russia will continue to build an atomic power plant for use by the country of Iran despite agreeing with Bush that it was not in the best interest of the entire world for Iran to have the capacity to make a nuclear weapon. In this Anchorcat’s opinion, the US should assume that everything Russia is doing is part of plot to attack America.

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In U.S. News this week, Congress passed a new law making it illegal for cat owners to feed their cat anything but raw tuna.

PET(A) Food

After reading an article about PETA's protest at a Procter and Gamble board meeting, I find myself having to send yet another e-mail to PETA.

Dear PETA,

We are delighted to be able to take you up on your recent offer that was strongly implied through yesterdays protest at a Procter and Gamble board meeting in Cincinnati. We would like to commend your volunteers for their selfless contributions, and without whom many animals would suffer needlessly.

Over the last few years we at P&G have searched for new alternatives to using dogs and cats for the testing of Iams pet food. While the testing of pet foods on pets in the home is currently in practice today through our test marketing process, it has been determined to be rather unfeasible for pet foods that are in the early stages of development. Therefore testing is still required to be done on large scale sample groups within the confines of the development facility.

Thanks to the inspiration from your protesters and their strong interest in the testing performed at our Iams plant, we are proud to say that we will no longer have to perform animal testing at any of our facilities worldwide.

In preparation for the implementation of the new plan we have several requirements that will be required of your volunteers. First, we will need between 50 and 60 of these individuals to conduct scientific studies. Second, we would require that they be of rather small stature as the cages they will be kept in were originally meant for canines. And most importantly, the volunteers must be devoid of any allergies to rodents, insects, horses, fish oils, pig entrails, formaldehyde, and phosphates as these may be commonly found in many pet foods.

We will expect to see the PETA test subjects at our Dayton Iams facility in about two weeks. By that time all of the pets should be completely removed and completely relocated to their new homes in the testing labs of our newly acquired rat poisoning plant.

On behalf of all of the management of P&G we would again like to thank PETA for such a generous offer for help in eliminating the testing at our Iams plant.

Sincerely,

J.R. (Bob) Downs

I as always won't expect to hear back from them because sure they will moan about not wanting animals for necessary tasks, but they wouldn't even be remotely committed enough to take the place of the animals.

Breasts Not Boobs

Have you heard of this unusual anti-war campaign called “Breasts Not Bombs”? At first I thought this had to be a good thing because hey, how could I possibly have any problem with naked boobs. But then it occurred to me that these people are really confused. First of all, the radical Islamists we are fighting are going to be angered that much more by American women flashing their boobs because it only furthers their belief that ‘Idealistic Americans' are trying to “destroy” their religion. But more importantly, what would happen if we took them seriously? That’s right. What if we took these topless protesters, put them inside a couple of Air Force bombers and then dropped them over Iraq? I really don’t think these breasts would have nearly the destructive power of the bombs they would replace. So therefore these women need to start flashing their boobs for campaigns that would make a lot more sense, like maybe gun control. Yep, I’d much rather hold a breast than a gun.

7 Questions

This week on the NY Times website they posted an interview in which the white upper class readers of the NY Times submitted questions for rapper 50 cent. I think this is a great idea and would to like to follow suit with a similar interview of my own. So…ladies and gentlemen allow me to introduce to you for this exclusive Weird Warped World interview; Snoop Dogg.

What republican presidential candidate do you favor most?

Shiz dem b-jobbys don’t roll with no cavy sack.

Is there any connection, as your name would suggest, between you and the peanuts character Snoopy?

Shiz! yo jockin’ my style?

How has the music industry changed since you first began recording albums?

Dam, it be buck wild fro da shit to be rollin deep fo da jonx.

Seeing how both of us have spent time in prison, would that make us Homies?

Jigga some busta white ho.

Do you think the housing bust will push the country into economic recession?

Shiiee, no gank from no gansta fly shit. Jes B rollin wit a foty.

Can you score me some weed?

B up with some sticks and stems, keep da sticky-icky shit fo me.

Do you support or oppose the war in Iraq?

Niggas steppin’ yall. Need to roll wit da gats.
Yo, it’s time for me to ball. Peace out.

Well, I guess that concludes this interview with our special guest Snoop Dogg. Join us next time when we conduct a much more coherent interview with Snoop Doggs bag of weed.

Prophet See

On rare nights I have some pretty weird dreams. But, sometimes they stop being abstract and become very realistic. Time will move as it should and everything will properly obey the laws of physics. In these types of dreams I will also see people and places in just the same way they are in real life. The only difference between real life and these dreams is WHEN they take place. Sometimes I remember the dream all the way till the point where it happens, and other times I forget about the dream until I am reminded of it in some déjà vu type occurrence.

Normally the prophetic dreams I have are nothing but normal everyday activities. I had a dream about a church picnic once. It ended up being déjà vu. I had several about my wife before we even met. I actually didn’t have to wait very long for the actualization of some rather odd dreams of me and this unknown woman.

Usually they are nothing to be alarmed about, but this recent couple of dreams has been rather disturbing to me. Not only does the world around me just seem different in the future they depict, but the activities are also very disturbing. In one dream, I am driving along following a tractor trailer. As we make the left turn from Columbia St. to Reading Rd. I can just barely see the spray painted word “LIVE” despite the fact that a large part of the trailers side has been damaged heavily. I don’t know why am following this truck, but there seems to be a lot of people following this truck as well. This didn’t really freak me out as much as it made me wonder how close in the future it is because I am driving the same 15 year old Ford Ranger that I currently drive. In another dream, I am walking between two fenced off areas where people have been herded into groups that are gradually being loaded into the cargo areas of moving and storage type trucks. There is a corral with a larger group of weak old people that seem very hesitant to get on the trucks. Some of them appear to prefer starving on the ground rather than getting into the trucks. There is a smaller group in the other corral. They are younger and don’t seem to mind standing in line in a single file while waiting to ascend the gang planks into the backs of the trucks.

What’s going on in these dreams? Are these events that are really going to happen or are they just something out of my subconscious? I don’t know. I guess if they do happen then I will update the blog, and if they don’t then we will all just forget about them.